Though we talk about the importance of listening when in conflict, many of us turn the volume down and do not actually hear the words and sentiments being expressed. The strength of emotions behind what is being said often predominates but does not make hearing the content any easier.

How may you best help yourself to listen and hear?

At times, we can become embroiled in our conflicts to a point that may be described as “over the top”. We appear obsessed with the injustice of the other person’s actions and we wear the related emotions on our sleeves.

If this happens to you, what typically takes over your being that may be described as “over the top”?

The taste of the combined alloy of bitter and sweet commonly accompanies interpersonal disputes. There are bitter elements when the distaste we have caused or experienced upsets us indefinitely. The sweet elements include when we gain an understanding we didn’t have and reconcile our differences. Sometimes we let the aftertaste of the bitter parts overwhelm the sweet in ways that preclude inner and outer reconciliation.

What makes the bitter part of a conflict you are currently (or recently) in harder to digest than the sweet part?

We may think it’s an innocuous part of conflict to vent to others about what happened. However, it can be destructive when venting really amounts to criticizing the other person. Doing so might satisfy some part of us that feels vindicated when we do so, or meet some other need we have such as justifying our own actions.

What does badmouthing the other person achieve in a conflict you have had?

At times when someone offends us our negative reactions may be because we perceive our view of ourselves is being undermined. Sometimes though we may not realize the impact has to do with how we see ourselves and want to be perceived.

When you think about a time you experienced a verbal attack on how you see yourself and want to be perceived, what aspect of your being was affected?