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BURYING THE HATCHET

Posted on February 18, 2020 by Cinnie Noble

“Nobody ever forgets where he [sic] buried the hatchet.”
Kin Hubbard

This quote gave me a smile because I often hear situations from clients in my conflict management coaching practice about interactions that happened long ago with the person they are currently embroiled with in a dispute. They can easily describe the details as though it happened yesterday. This is often while saying that these matters had been resolved. For instance, clients might use this expression – ‘buried the hatchet’ – to indicate the previous dispute is over and yet, the same feelings seem to prevail. It sounds as though that hatchet didn’t really get buried!

In some research I did a few years ago, I found that the initial altercation or even a set of circumstances that started tension between many people can begin a trajectory that escalates over time (even if no external conflict occurs). That is, once irritated about certain behaviours, words or attitudes, we often tend to continue to react to similar or even different triggers with that person and build on our annoyances until they turn into disdain.

At these times, it is evident that attributions about the person’s motives often become increasingly negative such that they have little chance of redeeming themselves. At some point we may engage in a discussion in which our (mutual) feelings are shared, and the issues are seemingly resolved. But it happens for many that things aren’t fully resolved, and the hatchet is not always buried.

If you can think of a situation about which the hatchet has not been yet buried, this set of questions might be helpful to reflect on:

  • What is that situation about which the hatchet is not yet buried?
  • What is the hatchet for you?
  • What more specifically makes that unresolved for you?
  • What are you not letting go of or forgiving?
  • What are you gaining by not burying the hatchet? What are you losing?
  • What would things be like if you were able to bury the hatchet?
  • What could the other person say or do that might help you facilitate the burying of the hatchet? What might keep them from saying or doing that?
  • What might the hatchet be for the other person?
  • What might you do to facilitate burying of the hatchet for that person?
  • What keeps you from doing that (your answer to the previous question)?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict
#conflictmanagement
#conflictresolution
#questions
#ADR

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SILENCE AS ARGUMENT

Posted on February 4, 2020 by Cinnie Noble

“Silence is argument carried out by other means.”
Ernesto ‘Che’ Guevara

Though some might say ‘silence is golden’, it isn’t always the case that being silent is experienced positively when in conflict. This quote by Ernesto ‘Che’ Guevara is an interesting one in this regard. That is, if we are trying to engage another person in a discussion about something important to us, being met by silence can serve to create tension, especially if the person does not appear present and concerned. At these times, silence may be interpreted as passive-aggressive, a lack of caring, patronizing, and other such attributions.

We may also often tend to attribute feelings and thoughts to those who remain silent and assume their views on the matter is not in agreement with our own. In this regard, we may conjure up reasons that the other person doesn’t own, and we may become frustrated and consider the other person is arguing by their silence. Generally, we experience this sort of interpretation as not feeling heard, of being stopped from discussing our respective perspectives on a matter, or of being thwarted and put down.

If you tend to remain silent when in conflict, or find it annoying when others do and do not respond to you, these questions might offer some insight:

  • Considering a time someone remained silent when you wanted them to respond, what specifically did you want from them (to say, show, etc.)?
  • How did you experience their silence?
  • How did you interpret their silence as an argument (if you did)?
  • What specifically made it so (your answer to the previous question)?
  • Looking back on this, what might you have said or asked to address the person’s silence at the time?
  • When you have remained silent when someone else expected a response from you, what was the situation about?
  • For what reason did you stay silent?
  • What about your silence might have been interpreted as argumentative?
  • What else might the other person have attributed to you about your silence?
  • What did you want to say that you didn’t? What kept you from doing so?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict
#conflictmanagement
#conflictresolution
#questions
#ADR
#silence

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Silence | 5 Comments

Preparing for that Dreaded Conversation

Posted on January 21, 2020 by Cinnie Noble

 

“By failing to prepare you are preparing to fail.”
Benjamin Franklin

Being spontaneous in many aspects of our lives can be fun and interesting. However, being spontaneous when it comes to difficult conversations – not so much. Preparing for our hard conversations takes time and energy and thought – all of which make those discussions more effective, productive and constructive. Preparation can even make them interesting and illuminating!

The thing is, our dread about a conversation can negatively impact our approach and keep us in a mindset that is counterproductive. So, what does it take to properly prepare and gather our courage for a challenging conversation when we feel full of dread, fear and distress? How do we gain the much-needed distance and confidence to effectively “be” in conflict and interact in ways that reflect our values.

Preparation takes different forms and this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog will hopefully help prepare you to be clear on your intentions about a conversation – what you want to have happen, how you want to communicate, and who you want to be. Try the following questions as a way of doing this, as you consider a conversation you are dreading.

  • What is the purpose for this conversation? What is most important about that purpose?
  • How might the other person describe their purpose? What is most important to the other person?
  • What do you dread most about this conversation? What might the other person dread?
  • What outcome do you want? What outcome would be acceptable, even if not exactly what you want?
  • How do you want to “be” in the conversation?
  • What tone of voice and body language do you intend to have?
  • What are the main messages you want to convey?
  • What message(s) do you want to be most prepared for that the other person conveys? How will you ensure you interact in the way you have described (as to how you want to “be”)?
  • What will it take for you to remove the dread from the conversation?
  • How else will you align how you want to interact, with the outcome for which you are aiming?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict
#conflictmanagement
#conflictresolution
#questions
#ADR

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Conversations, Conflict Management Coaching | Leave a comment

Connecting With Our Values

Posted on January 7, 2020 by Cinnie Noble

 

“It is not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.”
Roy Disney

When Roy Disney (older brother of Walt Disney) made this statement, it was undoubtedly about the business world in which he and his brother thrived. It is heart-warming to consider – without really knowing – that their success was attributed to making decisions that align with their values (and that they were positive ones).

When it comes to conflict, it seems to me that one of the upsetting things for many of us is the dissonance we experience about ourselves. That is, our reactions and decisions about how to interact do not always accurately reflect our core values and beliefs about how we want to be in the world and treat others. We might, for instance, have a vision of ourselves as kind, caring or thoughtful, but communicate in ways that are not consistent with that.

How do you want to be and be perceived? Do you, for example, want to be and be seen as non-judgmental, tolerant or patient? Do you strive to be perceived as non-defensive, cool and calm? Do you choose to be empathetic and understanding? These characteristics and combinations of them and many other traits mirror a range of ways of being when in conflict, and when we act out of alignment with them, our way of communicating can cause and contribute to the dissension.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a dispute in which you reacted in a way that wasn’t aligned with what you value about yourself.

  • What was the dispute about?
  • What did you say or do that was not aligned with one or more of your values?
  • Which value(s), more specifically, were you not upholding?
  • What makes that or those values one(s) you want others to acknowledge about you, too?
  • What happened that you lost your alignment with that or those values?
  • What impact did doing so have on the other person?
  • What impact did that have on you?
  • If you were to be in that interaction again, what would you choose to say or do differently – that would be more aligned with the value(s) you referred to?
  • What different outcome might have resulted?
  • What are three ways of keeping yourself aligned to your values when in conflict?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict
#conflictmanagement
#conflictresolution
#questions
#ADR

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Values | 1 Comment

Conflict Resolutions for 2020!

Posted on December 26, 2019 by Cinnie Noble

Hello Dear People:

I’d like to take this opportunity to wish you the very best of health, happiness and peace for the coming year.

Here are my conflict resolutions for 2020. I have repeated many from last year because, well, I still haven’t got them quite right.

  1. This year I will celebrate our differences and remain mindful that we all have lots of room in our hearts to love more and to love deeply.
  2. This year I will cherish my family and my friends and colleagues even more and continue to tell them how much they mean to me.
  3. This year I will listen with more curiosity, with more empathy and with more love.
  4. This year I will approach conflicts with authenticity, humility and thoughtfulness – and remain true to myself.
  5. This year I will acknowledge and honour that others strive to be true to themselves, too.
  6. This year I will not judge.
  7. This year I will be kinder to myself and others.
  8. This year I will be grateful to those who teach me important lessons by, for instance, letting me know when I am not interacting with compassion and grace.
  9. This year I will do more to build peace – one person at a time.
  10. This year I will remember we are all in this together.

What are your conflict resolutions for this year?

Warmest regards to you and yours and may your 2020 be wonderful in every way!

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict
#conflictmanagement
#conflictresolution
#resolutions
#ADR

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Resolutions | Leave a comment