It seems that sometimes when we begin to have an argument with someone the focus isn’t on moving things forward. We might find ourselves getting stuck in blame, spending time asserting our perspective, disagreeing on the ‘right’ outcome, becoming angrier and resentful, and demonstrating other destructive reactions that keep us from progressing in constructive ways.
Emotions get the best of us the more we argue to be right and make the other person wrong! Once that happens and our amygdala is hijacked, reasoning and problem-solving get lost. Restoring the relationship, regaining equilibrium and resolving matters no longer fit into the dynamic. The aim of argument, as in the quote that heads this blog, doesn’t have any chance at these times.
This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider an argument you are currently involved in or recently have been in as you answer these questions:
- What’s the argument about?
- What were you thinking about as things ramped up?
- What three words describe your reactions?
- What is/was your aim in this altercation?
- What is/was the other person’s version of the argument?
- What is/was the other person’s aim?
- What did you observe and hear about their reactions?
- Where do you two differ most in your perspectives? Where is there common ground?
- What specifically impeded your progress in resolving the argument other than what you may have considered already? What impeded the other person from progressing other than what you might have considered so far?
- What do you need to do or say to facilitate progress?
- What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
- What insights do you have?
#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution
The first job I had after graduating university was teaching English as a second language. One of the classes I taught occurred once students had reached a high level of fluency – and it was about the use of idioms and metaphors. I didn’t realize how strange metaphors and idioms sound to people learning different languages till then. Sometimes the phrases resonated with similar ones used in various cultures. Sometimes not. We shared stories about the meaning and gave examples and laughed a lot!! One example is unrelated to today’s blog but worthy of mention because we all laughed really hard about it. When we answer the door or a call for someone who is busy we might say, ‘Sorry, he’s tied up right now.’ To people who have learned the literal meaning of the words ‘tied up’ this answer would be quite alarming!
It seems when we are in conflict that we often tend to develop and hold onto our perspective as though it’s absolute – written in stone as it were. The more entrenched we become – due to the emotional attachment to our views and upset we are experiencing by the other person and their views – the more we reactive we are. And, at these times, we are less inclined to listen, want to listen, and consider possibilities that might serve the outcome, the relationship and us better.