For this week I thought I would bring back a blog that was very popular a few years ago. So, this one is from the archives:

The metaphor of an iceberg has commonly been used as a metaphor about conflict. This is on the basis that there are things above the surface that show themselves and then, there is all that is going on underneath. Compared to conflict, some things are obvious to the disputants (and often others) that reflect the dynamic between them, the issues in dispute, and other aspects of the existing dissension. These are above the water ‘line’.

Below the water line is much more. There are hopes, expectations, emotions, needs, values, beliefs, and other deeply held views and feelings. Our individual and collective histories that we bring to the issues in dispute are in the mass below the surface, too. While, for all intents and purposes, this underlying mass appears to be unnoticed or remains unspoken, it has an enormous impact on the interaction. Indeed, it is an integral part of the conflict and who we are within it, within ourselves, and within the relationship.

Yes, some things may be best left unexplored or untouched. However, without increased self-discovery of what is below the surface, we miss the opportunity to better understand and reconcile our motivations and expectations. And to consider what ought to be shared and discussed, and what needs to remain dormant to reach the optimum outcome.

For these Conflict Mastery Quest(ions), consider a conflict in which you see or feel that only the tip of the iceberg is showing itself.

• What about the conflict do you think is fully evident to you and the other person?
• What lies beneath that is evident for you but is not likely evident to the other person?
• What concerns you that may be going on for the other person that is not evident to you?
• What outcome do you want?
• Why is that outcome important to you?
• What do you want to leave below the surface?
• How will that help you reach the outcome you want?
• What is there to be gained for the other person if you leave that below the surface?
• What may the other person want to leave below the surface? Why do you suppose?
• Thinking about all this now, what needs to come to the surface to reach the optimum outcome – even though it may be challenging for you and/or the other person?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution

There are times many of us interact in ways we’re not very proud of. It may be because we are reacting to what someone is saying or doing. It may be because we aren’t  getting our way on something we wanted to have happen. It may be because we are hurt, angry, feeling betrayed, jealous, disappointed, trying to assert ourselves, getting pushback on something important to us that we value, and so on.

Interpersonal conflicts often bring out the worst in us and are when we act and react in ways that do not serve us well – reflecting ways we don’t want to be or be seen. We don’t always like ourselves at these times and it’s likely the other person in our interaction doesn’t like us either! Nor do others who observe us.

For some of us this does not matter. We like ourselves if we met ourselves anyway.  Others of us do not want to be perceived in ways that do not reflect characteristics that we take pride in. We do not like ourselves at these times. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider an interpersonal dispute in which you interacted in a way or ways you didn’t like as you answer these questions:

• What was the dispute about?
• What did you want to have happen that didn’t?
• What did the other person say or do that was especially hard to hear, hurtful, upsetting etc.?
• As you look back on that situation – what about your answer to the last question resulted in you reacting in ways that you don’t like?
• How would you describe that reaction?
• When you think about it now, what do you prefer you had said or done that you would like?
• What got in your way of responding the way you prefer?
• If someone you care about observed you – during the time you reacted in ways you didn’t like – how might that person describe you and how you reacted?
• What would you prefer that same person would say about you and how you interacted in the conflict instead?
• What sorts of things might you do the next time you find yourself becoming provoked that would prevent you from interacting in ways you don’t like?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution