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Standing up for ourself

Posted on October 16, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Sometimes during conflict we lose our confidence and composure. We may become plagued with self-doubt and feel we are not able to stand up for ourselves. We back down at these times and give in to the other person. We may regret doing so and admonish ourselves for lack of courage or ‘guts’. This and other self-limiting beliefs eat away at our self-esteem and we may feel all the more helpless and powerless.

More things may get in our way of standing up for ourselves, too. For instance, fears of different sorts often fuel the tendency to yield to the other person with whom we are in conflict, including the fear of a breakdown of the relationship. When we see the other person as more powerful or even more vulnerable, we also may not stand up for ourselves. When we lose our energy and feel broken, we may back down. These and other reasons impede healthy exchanges about our differences and the ability to support and express ourselves the way we prefer.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider any inclination you have to back down rather than stand up for yourself. So, please consider the last time you did not stand up for yourself in a conflict, when responding to the following:

  • What did you want to stand up for in the conflict you have in mind?
  • What kept you from doing so?
  • How did it feel?
  • What did you do instead?
  • What happened as a result of not standing up for yourself?
  • What bothers you most about that outcome?
  • If you had stood up for yourself, what would you have said or done?
  • How may things have been different if you had stood up for yourself that way?
  • What fears do you have about standing up for yourself?
  • What do you think needs to happen for you to stand up for yourself? How will you make that happen?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Consequences, Facing Conflict, Fears | 2 Comments

Criticizing others

Posted on October 9, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

One way that some of us cope when we are in conflict is to criticize the other person for something he or she is saying or doing. Criticism takes many forms. For instance, it may be by being condescending, pointing out and putting down things we don’t approve of, finding fault when things don’t suit or fit our perspective, ignoring the person or demonstrating a dismissive attitude, being sarcastic about or correcting things the person says, and so on. Criticizing in these and other ways often results in conflict.

At those times we choose criticism as a defense, we are likely unable to separate the person from the problem; we let emotions drive conflict; and we tend to choose blaming and criticism to make or ‘win’ the disagreement. Criticism for whatever reason derails an even-handed conversation.

Criticizers may lack self-esteem and feel more powerful by being critical. They may even be deflecting other matters, including some truth and contribution that is hard to admit. Criticizers may genuinely dispute the other person’s viewpoint but do so in a way that demonstrates intolerance, lack of flexibility, and a need to be right.

If you tend to criticize, this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider the last time you did so, to be able to explore this inclination further.

  • What were you specifically being critical of the last time you criticized another person?
  • What were you aiming to achieve with your criticism?
  • What did you need from the person at that time?
  • How did you succeed in achieving what you needed?
  • What does your criticism in the situation say about what you were feeling at the time?
  • What was the impact of your criticism on the other person?
  • How did the criticism hinder the situation?
  • If you were to frame the criticism as a request instead, what would the request be?
  • When someone has criticized you, what was that like for you?
  • Looking back now on the above questions, what two new things have you learned  about the use of criticism?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Blame, Criticizing | 6 Comments

Chip on Your Shoulder

Posted on October 2, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

It’s a strange expression – chip on your shoulder – and it has a rich history. According to Wikipedia it dates back to the Royal Navy Dockyards and a requirement for shipwrights to carry timber chips under their arms rather than on their shoulders because they could carry more that way. The story goes that one shipwright (John Miller) refused and the Master Shipwright ordered him to lower the chips and tried to physically force him to do so. Miller and others pushed the Master and First Assistant out of the gateway while keeping the chips on their shoulders. The expression eventually came to mean an attitude that denotes a challenge when disagreeing on a matter and daring ‘the other person’ to refute them.

In my experience, saying “that person has a chip on his shoulder” is one of those statements we say to or about someone who appears to be defensive, angry, bitter, resentful, bearing a grudge, a victim, and so on. That is, we may become aware of such emotions in a conversation when people verbally express these sorts of sentiments or by their demeanour, such as tone of voice or body and facial language. Seeing and communicating with someone whom we determine has a chip on their shoulder can be challenging. After all, it can be off-putting and difficult to know how to connect and may even precipitate and exacerbate conflict.

For this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog, please consider a situation when you find or found yourself reacting to the other person who, in your perception, has a chip on his or her shoulder.

  • Generally, what is the impact on you when you are around people who appear to have a chip on their shoulder?
  • In the particular situation you have in mind, how do you describe the chip that the other person seems or seemed to have on his or her shoulder?
  • How does or did the chip effect you?
  • What is it about a chip that seems to provoke you and even lead to conflict for you?
  • What do you suppose a chip is made of to have that sort of impact?
  • What don’t you know about the person who carries a chip on his or her shoulder that you would like to?
  • How do you prefer to feel about people with a chip on their shoulder?
  • How may you respond to people who carry chips on their shoulders in a way that would reflect conflict mastery?
  • For a minute, picture yourself as someone who carries a chip on your shoulder. What may you need from others at this time?
  • What do you have to learn from the person who has a chip on his or her shoulder?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Body Language, Conflict Perceptions, Emotions in Conflict | 2 Comments

Out of Control in Conflict

Posted on September 25, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

There are times when we may say we feel ‘out of control’ when we are in conflict and that means different things to different people. The description of what ‘out of control’ means will differ among us and typically, being out of control is not a positive experience for ourselves or the other person. It seems that this sentiment is expressed when we react strongly to being provoked and say or do things that we consider uncharacteristic and, perhaps, unreasoned, unreasonable and even dramatic.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog focuses on this phenomenon of losing control as an aspect of interpersonal conflict and with the goal of gaining a better understanding of what it means to feel that way. Please consider a conflict situation in which you experienced this feeling when answering the following questions:

  • What does the expression ‘being out of control’ mean to you?
  • What does it feel like when you experience it?
  • What are you thinking at these times?
  • What are you losing control of?
  • What do you see when you observe that someone else seems out of control?
  • How does it impact you – when you observe someone else is losing control?
  • What would it be like to be in control of the situation?
  • What could you do differently to make that happen?
  • How will things be different for the other person when you do not lose control?
  • How will things be for you when you maintain control?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Emotions in Conflict, Out of Control | Leave a comment

Forgive & Forget

Posted on September 18, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Forgive and forget is one of those common statements said to someone after they have been in a conflict. It may be to encourage them to move on, to not be bothered anymore with what occurred, to stop fretting, to let themselves and the other person ‘off the hook’, and so on. Often this expression is stated flippantly though – out of impatience or lack of understanding. It may be said in sympathy and beseechingly.

What about this expression when it comes to conflict mastery?  Sometimes it just doesn’t feel possible to forgive and for some of us there are acts and words done and said in conflict that are, plain and simple, not forgivable. Like other aspects of conflict, there’s no rule about the necessity to forgive and forget and what is forgivable and forgettable depends on each of our own sensibilities – not for others to judge.

The following ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) invite you to explore some questions within a context of a dispute you have had where you are not forgiving and forgetting something(s) about it.

  • What are you not forgiving and forgetting about the situation?
  • What are you not forgiving and forgetting about the other person?
  • What are you not forgiving and forgetting about yourself in that conflict?
  • What do you want to forgive and forget?
  • What do you want to remember and why?
  • What else may you be holding onto that continues to bother you that you have not mentioned yet?
  • What is possible if you forgive? Don’t forgive?
  • What is possible if you forget? Don’t forget?
  • How possible is it to forgive only or forget only? That is, what difference, if any, would it make if you do one and not the other?
  • What would you do differently if you had the conflict to do over again?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Forgetting, Forgiving | 6 Comments