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Were you hearing?

Posted on November 20, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

After a conflict is ostensibly over, we often forget what the other person said. It may be that is was inconsequential to us and so, we dismiss it. We may not retain what was said due to the need to move on and to put things behind us. We may have blocked it because it was unbelievable, too painful to hear, too bizarre according to our version of the events, or it felt blameful and retaliatory and not something we want to remember. It may be the case that our voice took up the air space and overwhelmed the other person such that we really didn’t listen. Our need to be right, to upstage, to challenge, to grandstand, or to win may also preclude listening and hearing.

It is trite to say that careful listening is a major hallmark of effective communications and conflict mastery. Whether or not we intentionally put things aside and for whatever reasons we do not recall (or want to recall) what was said in a dispute, it is important to consider whether we actually heard the other person’s messages to us. It is whether our eyes – not just our ears – were engaged, whether our empathy and compassion were tuned in, and whether we were present and attentive. After all, what we hear if we listen carefully may be lessons to be learned about ourselves and important information to know about the other person.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog invites you to look back at a dispute and consider if you really heard what the other person wanted to convey.

  • What did the other person actually say (not your interpretation) that concerned or upset you?
  • What messages did you hear that the other person did not actually say?
  • What specifically was it that resulted in your answer to the above question?
  • What other interpretations than that/those referred to may be possible?
  • What did you observe about the other person’s facial and/or body language?
  • How did you interpret the facial and/or body language you observed?
  • What else may the person’s facial and/or body language mean?
  • What hurt you most that you heard him or her say to you directly, or that you otherwise gleaned from his or her words?
  • What did you want to hear that you didn’t?
  • What did you hear from the other person that was said (directly or by interpretation) that is a positive learning point that you plan to carefully consider?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Listening | 2 Comments

Peeling back the onion

Posted on November 13, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Interpersonal disputes are multi-layered and an onion is an apt metaphor to describe the many dimensions of conflict. An onion also reflects the many layers of the other person and of us. Our hearts and brains, our spiritual being, our bodies are all parts of us that are effected when we are in conflict. Each layer adds to the mystery and confusion conflict creates inside us.

Though we may come to our disputes with historical experiences that have built on one another, each new conflict adds or supports another layer. If we are able to analyze what the layers of the conflict are made of and what may have led to their growth, we have the chance of exploring things reflectively. For instance, we may see that, like an onion, there is a circle, symmetry, and consistency about how we manage conflict. We may realize that conflict has substance but that it can be cut through. We may discover how conflict, like onions, can add flavour to our lives and can even nurture us. We know we can grow onions, fry them, eat them, and throw them away.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog is about considering the onion as a metaphor for the layers of a dispute you have had. Consider one that is in the recent past as you answer these questions, or take a present conflict and consider its layers.

  • What about the metaphor of an onion resonates most in relation to your experience of being in conflict?
  • What doesn’t resonate?
  • If you were to pull back the layers of your recent dispute, what would you find the layers are made of?
  • What brings tears to your eyes about the dispute?
  • Which other layer or layers had the most impact on your reaction in the recent dispute?
  • How do you describe the impact?
  • What part of the dispute has healthy (or could have some healthy) effects?
  • What may help bring out those healthy (or potentially healthy) effects?
  • When you consider your dispute to be like an onion, how does that help you manage it more effectively?
  • What other vegetable is a metaphor for the same dispute and why?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Metaphors, Positive Conflict | 9 Comments

Being curious in conflict

Posted on November 6, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

One of the things that happens when we are masterful in conflict is we not only listen carefully and thoughtfully to what is being said and felt. We are also willing to be curious and hear what is going on inside us and inside the other person. The more emotional we become, the more difficult that is, of course. The thing is, that without curiosity we make and react to our assumptions and let our emotions prevail. Often conflict then evolves because our imaginations take over. Without knowing what is really happening we become increasingly upset.

How to become and remain curious at times of conflict is the question. Not surprisingly, it takes patience and self-control to listen for the sole purpose of listening and not for the purpose of figuring out what to say in response. That is, to not just wait for our turn to talk. When conflict and conflicting feelings take over, it takes thoughtfulness to really hear what the other person is saying and feeling. It takes caring for ourselves too to really hear what we are saying and feeling.

Paying attention to what is on our minds that we are tempted to say often helps to uncover important feelings that are worthy of our curiosity, before expressing them. Likewise, hearing what the other person is saying and realizing he or she too may be boiling inside are also important considerations. Neither of us will be curious if we are furious!

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog is about curiosity then and in answering the following questions, it will help to consider a conflict situation that is brewing inside you as an inner conflict. As with other ConflictMastery™ blogs, feel free to ask the questions in the past tense – about conflicts that have already occurred.

  • How do you define what being curious means?
  • When you are usually curious about something someone is saying or doing – and not in conflict at the time – how do you show your curiosity?
  • What happens when you are experiencing conflict with another person that is different than your answer to the above?
  • How does your last answer impact your ability to be curious?
  • What is there for you to be curious about regarding the other person or the situation between you (such as what don’t you know for certain about his or her intent)?
  • What may the other person be curious about you – that she or he doesn’t really know about you or your intent?
  • What do you risk by being curious about what the other person is saying or doing?
  • What may you gain by being curious about what the other person is saying or doing?
  • What needs to happen for you to be curious about things you don’t know for certain about him or her?
  • What is likely to happen if things continue as they are?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Assumptions, Curiosity, Self-Care | Leave a comment

Giving people the benefit of the doubt

Posted on October 30, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

As soon as we begin to react to someone who provokes us there are options about how to proceed. One of those is to give the person the benefit of the doubt. This expression apparently refers to the legal phrase “reasonable doubt” first documented in the 18th Century English law. The phrase was accepted as the degree of doubt required to acquit a criminal defendant and was defined in terms of moral certainty. In the 20th Century “reasonable doubt” was given constitutional status in the U.S. as a standard that reduces the risk of false convictions. This expression continues to be commonly used when assessing criminal culpability.

How does giving another person the benefit of the doubt apply in conflict situations? Several possibilities exist and the same concept of assessing guilt applies. It may, for instance, have to do with questioning the blame we are placing on another person. That is, is there a possibility that we are not be absolutely correct in the fault finding we are directing to or about him or her? Or, it may be about questioning negative interpretations we are making about the other person’s motives. In this case, asking ourselves “What else may he or she have intended?” may be an appropriate way to open up the space for other possible reasons.

As you answer the other questions from this week’s blog, consider a situation and a person’s action for which you are blaming him or her for something. These questions, like all ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions), may be put in the past tense too if it is after the conflict and you are looking back at your reaction.

  • For what specifically are you blaming the person?
  • For what reason(s) is she or he at fault?
  • If you saw or heard a good friend do or say that, what other reasons may you consider as possibilities (if any)?
  • When you do or say the same sort of things (if you do), what are your reasons for doing so?
  • If you were to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, what reasons may you consider for his or her actions or words?
  • What resonates about your answer(s) to the previous question?
  • What doesn’t resonate about your answer(s)?
  • If it is just not feel feasible for you to give the benefit of the doubt to this person, how does that impact the relationship and/or situation?
  • If it is feasible to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, what would that be like for you?
  • What may that mean for him or her?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Attributions, Emotions in Conflict | 2 Comments

Conflict – Fact or Fiction

Posted on October 23, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Our perceptions of what actually occurred in a dispute are not all that reliable in the aftermath of hurtful interactions. Our emotional experiences of conflict have a huge impact on us and one of the results is that our perspective on what happened gets muddled and muddied. What we think is an absolute truth about the event and the exchange about it is often not the other person’s perception of the absolute truth. Essentially, facts can be easily distorted and we end up with our blind spots steering us – with no vision of what we need to find our way through conflict. In a short period of time our memories can get even more mixed up and what we wished we had said may get conveyed as though we said it. That is, we come to believe things said and done by us and the other person that do not resemble reality.

In the end, arguing over facts becomes a fool’s game, especially when they cannot be proved one way or the other. It is often the case, too, that it isn’t so much the different views on the facts that leads to disagreement. Rather, it is how firmly and hotly held positions are stated and received – whether or not they are fact or fiction.

This week’s blog is about looking at the facts of a current (ongoing) dispute to disentangle what is contributing most to your reaction.  These ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may be stated in the past to be able to unravel a past dispute where the facts were disparate.

  • What facts do you rely on to support your side of the situation?
  • Which facts are not absolutely true?
  • What do you want as an outcome that will be achieved by standing by the facts as you perceive them?
  • What facts, as you perceive them, are not worth standing up for?
  • What facts does the other person rely on?
  • Which ones of his or hers are correct, in your view? Which ones are incorrect?
  • If you couldn’t rely on or prove the facts according to your perspective, what difference will that make?
  • Which facts do both of you agree on? How important are those facts for reconciling your differences on a scale of 1-5, 5 being very important?
  • What still niggles you about the different views on the facts? Why is that?
  • Despite the disparate view you two have on the facts, what are you willing to do or say to achieve the outcome you want?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Perceptions, Truth in Conflict | 4 Comments