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“You make me so angry!”

Posted on January 1, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

There is something that doesn’t quite work about the expression, “You make me so angry” (or sad, disappointed, depressed, etc.). That is, none of us can really make someone an emotion. We may act or speak in ways that result in others experiencing negative feelings. Or, others may do or say things to which we react. However, in both cases we don’t and they don’t actually make the emotion happen.

This may sound as though I am ‘splitting hairs’. However, in my view, the notion inherent in the expression that begins with, “You make me so ____” is about blame, as the message I read into this phrasing is that someone has the intent, ability, and power to cause the emotions we feel. Or, that we have the intent, ability, and power to cause other’s emotions. I don’t think so. Rather, I think we alone are responsible for our reactions.

What we experience in response to another person’s actions or words though is very important to explore. This is not because it is necessary to attribute motives, find fault, or make excuses for the person’s conduct. It is, I believe, because our responses tell us more about us than the other person. The awareness that comes from exploring and understanding what lies beneath our emotional reactions – what is so important to us that we react the way we do – has, in my humble opinion, the potential for being transformative. It seems to me that self-discovery about why certain actions compel strong emotions in us informs us of the values and needs we have and therefore, the reasons our sense and sensibilities are what they are.

For this week’s blog, it will help to think of a situation in which you are saying to yourself, “She or he is making me so _____ (angry, upset, sad, etc.)” when answering the following questions:

  • What is the emotion you are experiencing about the other person’s words or actions?
  • What does it mean when you say the other person “makes” you ____ (whatever emotion(s) you say you are feeling)?
  • How does she or he do that?
  • What part of your answer to the previous question demonstrates her or his intention(s)?
  • Why do you think she or he has that (those) intention(s)?
  • If she or he didn’t intend to cause a reaction in you, how else may you interpret her or his actions or words?
  • What do you think is the root of your emotional reaction to what the other person said or did?
  • What difference does it make if you determine she or he didn’t make you have the emotion you feel?
  • What power do you give away by attributing intention to the other person?
  • What response may you have to this person that is most constructive whether or not she or he was purposeful in an effort to upset you?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Blame, Emotions in Conflict | 8 Comments

Making a mountain out of a molehill

Posted on December 18, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

When we begin to experience irritation about something happening with another person, our thoughts and feelings sometimes go to places that are not helpful for the situation and relationship with the other person. We may not always be aware of what is exacerbating things, but before we know it our initial responses have taken twists and turns that only serve to complicate matters. As things expand in our minds and hearts, we often find ourselves more and more conflicted, confused, and upset. As things get bigger they may not even be a reasonable facsimile of what they were in the beginning.

The above observation of a common occurrence in interpersonal conflict describes what I consider ‘making a mountain out of a molehill’. According to Wikipedia, the earliest recorded use of this phrase is in a book (1548) by Nicholas Udall, thought to be one of the first people to use the expression. The historical meaning of this idiom had to do with “responding disproportionately to something – where a person exaggerates or makes too much of a minor issue”. This is consistent with the current meaning ascribed to this expression.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider a current situation in which you are likely making a mountain out of a molehill. Or, consider one in which you know you did and use the past tense in the relevant questions.

  • What first provoked you, i.e. something said or done that led to a negative reaction in you?
  • What specifically about that seemed to lead to your inner reaction?
  • What was the inner reaction?
  • Considering that the provocation you refer to began as a molehill, how would you describe what the molehill is made of?
  • At what point did the molehill begin to grow into a mountain?
  • What changed that had an impact on the molehill’s growth?
  • What is in the mountain that wasn’t in the molehill?
  • How are you experiencing the mountain?
  • How may you have stopped the molehill from growing into a mountain?
  • What stopped you from doing that (your answer to the previous question)?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Impact, Metaphors | Leave a comment

What is on the lung is on the tongue

Posted on December 11, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

The expression “what is on the lung is on the tongue” causes me to smile, as my mother used to say it about people who say whatever is on their mind – uncensored, unthinkingly, and impulsively. When I searched for an explanation of the derivation and meaning of this expression, I could not find it anywhere. Considering that perhaps my mother came up with the expression gave me even more reason to smile. Knowing her it would appeal to her that she made a rhyming commentary on the nature of some people she knew. I think actually, that my mother may have at times wished to be one of those people who said whatever was on her mind!

In any case, what often initiates or exacerbates conflict is a tendency to blurt out what’s on our mind or in our heart – or lungs. While it may be argued that this reflects honesty and openness, it may also show a lack of filters and boundaries. Depending on what is said and how it is said, unbridled opinions may even be considered indiscriminate and uncaring.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog asks questions of readers who have a tendency to say whatever comes to your mind that inadvertently initiates an unnecessary conflict. Please consider a time when you blurted out something that did so when answering these questions:

  • What did you exactly say and what was the context?
  • What motivated you to say that?
  • How did it initiate a conflict?
  • What were you thinking at the time that inspired you to say what you did? What were you feeling?
  • What impact did you observe on the other person when you said it?
  • What kept you from keeping the comment(s) to yourself?
  • What may have been different if you hadn’t said anything?
  • What were you conscious of wanting to achieve?
  • How else may you have achieved that?
  • What needs to happen for you to be able to contain the impulse to say what comes to your mind and heart, if you want to?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Management Coaching | 8 Comments

Just ’cause I said it

Posted on December 4, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

I like the tune of Adele’s song “Rumour Has It” and there are some lyrics that strike me as relevant to conflict. Consider the lyric “Just ‘cause I said it, don’t mean that I meant it”. This is a great quote relating to conflict though unrelated to Adele’s intention. For me it reflects what often happens in disputes because many of us say things we don’t mean or intend. At these times many of us speak from reactive and emotional places and say and do things that hurt and don’t help the interaction. How to overcome the tendency to blurt things out on impulse is key to conflict mastery and yet, this can be challenging.

It helps, in this regard, to look at what happens when our ability to control our emotions falls away and consider what it takes to be careful and interact in ways that do not contribute to further and unnecessary discord. We know intellectually that this requires self-awareness, self-control and self-discipline. It’s how to emotionally apply what we rationally know.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog is especially for readers who tend to regret what you say when in conflict and agonize afterwards for words and actions you cannot take back. I suggest bringing to mind a conflictual situation in which you didn’t mean what you said:

  • What did you say that you didn’t mean to in that conflict?
  • What motivated you to say that at the time?
  • What kept you from holding your comment(s) back?
  • What was the other person’s reaction?
  • What do you regret most?
  • What do you wish you had said/done instead?
  • What (generally) compels you to react in conflict?
  • What do you lose control of at those times?
  • What happens for you after you have said something you cannot take back?
  • What may you do to restrain yourself next time from saying things that you are likely to regret after the fact?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Reactions, Regrets | Leave a comment

Jumping to Conclusions

Posted on November 27, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Jumping to conclusions can easily cause or perpetuate a conflict situation. This idiom – jumping to conclusions – refers to a tendency to assume something as negative when there is not necessarily a reason to do so. Conclusions may be about another person’s character, motives, attitude, and rationale. This sort of thinking may come from the habitual inclination to think the worst, to not trust ourselves or others, to let our insecurities and fears take over, and so on.

There are likely many other reasons for jumping to conclusions, too. For instance, our histories and experiences with similar situations or dynamics often fuel the continuing tendency to quickly make up our minds. Associated with this is often a tendency to be pessimistic and operate on assumptions that are not necessarily based on the reality of the situation.

This week’s blog considers the tendency to rush to conclusions about the other person when we sense discord. If there is a conflict about which you are jumping to one or more conclusions, the following ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may help to surface what lies beneath.

  • What is a main conclusion you have determined about the other person in this conflict situation?
  • On what are you basing this conclusion?
  • How does that conclusion impact you?
  • How real do you know your conclusion to be on a scale of 1-5, 5 being absolutely real (in terms of what you know for sure)?
  • How does your conclusion affect the relationship?
  • What missing pieces (if any) could throw some doubt on your conclusion?
  • What other conclusions are possible?
  • If the conclusion you determined is correct, what does that mean for you? The other person?
  • If the conclusion is not correct, what does that mean for you? The other person?
  • What is the best way you can think of to refrain from jumping to conclusions?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Assumptions | 2 Comments