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Receiving “I’m Sorry”

Posted on July 9, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

I have talked about forgiveness in a previous blog entitled “Forgiving When Asked”. More recently, a fascinating discussion on the words “I’m sorry” came up on the Conflict Coaching Guild on LinkedIn that inspired me to revisit this topic. Today’s blog is from the perspective of the person hearing those words and what it means to hear and receive them.

Some say the phrase “I’m sorry” is overused, being a hurried reaction to having hurt someone, with hopes it will as quickly excuse the offending words or acts. Unfortunately, being proactive – and thinking before speaking – rather than trying to make up and ask for forgiveness after the fact does not always happen when the hurts of the moment prevail.

When we are on the receiving end of “I’m sorry” it is almost as automatic for some to respond, “That’s okay”, or “Never mind, or “Thanks – apology accepted”. However, it does not mean we always accept the words “I’m sorry” and forgive. Given that we all have different levels of tolerance about what constitutes acceptable behaviour, it is presumptuous to expect ourselves – and others – to necessarily forgive things we say or do that upset us and them with the phrase, “I’m sorry”.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog flushes out the phrase “I’m sorry” within the context of your own experience of having someone say that to you.

  • What did the other person say or do that resulted in extending you an apology?
  • How did you respond to the words “I’m sorry”? How did you experience the apology?
  • What was effective about her or his apology? What was not as effective about it?
  • What would you have liked the other person to have said or done in addition to the apology, or instead, or differently?
  • What compelled you to fully accept the apology, if you did?
  • What compelled you to not fully accept it, if you did not?
  • What remains unforgiven for you, if anything, since the time the other person said “I’m sorry”?
  • What do you usually need from other people to be able to accept apologies from them?
  • What happens for you when you say you accept an apology you don’t really accept?
  • When you sincerely accept apologies what happens for you? What seems to happen for the person who delivered the apology?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Apologizing, Forgiving | 8 Comments

Getting revved up

Posted on July 2, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

What often happens in the middle of an interpersonal conflict is that, for one reason or another, one or both people become increasingly agitated and words and emotions accelerate in intensity and negativity. This shows up in various other ways too, such as talking louder and getting more aggressive and blameful. The outpouring of feelings typically opens up a faucet of vitriol, attributions, and for some, tears. It is a time we may feel out of control and choice.

Though I often think of ‘revving up’ to mean increasing car speed, what I just described is what I think defines the notion of ‘revving up’ when in conflict. One resource that defined “getting revved up” refers to things becoming “more productive”. When I thought about that, it makes sense that the expression may be applied to the notion of constructive conflict – when the disputants become positively engaged in the discussion – aiming to reconcile differences and finding a mutually satisfactory outcome.

This week’s blog is for those of you who tend to rev up in not-so-positive ways – and sometimes for no apparent reason – in the middle of a conflict. Consider one when that has happened for you when answering this series of questions:

  • What is the situation and what did you specifically say or do that you refer to as revving up?
  • For what reason(s) did you rev up?
  • What else were you experiencing at the time?
  • What accelerated for you as you revved up (voice, heart rate, etc.)?
  • In what ways did the other person rev up too?
  • What seemed to initiate that for her or him?
  • What could she or he have said or done to decelerate things and make things more productive for you?
  • What could you have said or done to decelerate things and make things more productive for her or him? For yourself?
  • What do you suppose got in your way of trying to decelerate things? Why is that?
  • If you want to rev things up in a positive way in your next conflict, what will you do differently?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Emotions in Conflict, Metaphors, Reactions | Leave a comment

Doing something about your conflict

Posted on June 25, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

Several years ago I began asking friends, family members, colleagues and clients what stops them from trying different things to be able to improve how they manage conflict. Of course, their answers varied.

While situations and those involved elicit different reactions, the people I questioned typically recounted a number of things they would have done differently. Others were unable to contemplate what would have made things better. Some people said they were not sure whether they really wanted to.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog asks one question, “What keeps you from doing something else in that conflict that may improve matters?” I then suggest a series of possible answers based on my mini-research. Just circle your answer – yes, no, or maybe. Then there are a few more questions on whether your answers yielded any new insights.

To do this exercise, please think about one of your conflicts that will just not go away. It is about a person and/or typical situation that brings out parts of you that you do not like, or triggers reactions and regret or other negative feelings.

Please circle your answer – yes (Y), no (N), or maybe (M) to the following:

What keeps you from doing something else in that conflict that may improve matters?  
I don’t believe things will get better no matter what I do or say. Y N M
S/he will never change. Y N M
S/he is not worth the effort. Y N M
It’s too frustrating. Y N M
Apathy Y N M
I worry things will fall apart again, even if they improve for a while. Y N M
Why is it me trying to make things better and not him/her? Y N M
If it doesn’t work, it will have been a waste of time and energy. Y N M
I want him/her to do something first. Y N M
I’m fearful whatever I say/do will not work. Y N M
It is likely that my brain is hard wired to keep this interaction and the related thinking where it is. Y N M
I don’t really care. Y N M
S/he reminds me too much of my mother (father, sibling, ex-spouse, etc.) Y N M
I need control and the other person does too and neither of us will make the other one right – even a little. Y N M
There is just no incentive. Y N M
I must be getting something from this. Y N M
It goes back too far. Y N M
It goes too deep. Y N M
It’s just one person and I have a good relationship with most people. Y N M
There’s nothing to be gained. Y N M

 
Here are a few more ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions):

Now that you have done this questionnaire, consider your Yes’s, No’s, and Maybe’s. What do your answers open up for you, if anything, that increase your awareness:

About you?

About the other person?

About the situation?

What patterns do you think you have about conflict that the questionnaire speaks to?

Posted in Reactions | 1 Comment

Telling Tales Out of School

Posted on June 18, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

I don’t recall the first time I heard the expression “telling tales out of school”. When I searched for the meaning of this expression, I discovered this specific statement is the oldest of three expressions of the same ilk (“talking out of school” and “speaking out of school”). The same source says, “The usual meaning is, don’t gossip indiscreetly or reveal private matters, secrets or confidences”, which is likely consistent with how many of us interpret this expression.

Within the context of interpersonal conflict, conveying things that are not ours to share can easily result in discord. For instance, when the person who initially shared the information in confidence finds out it was told to someone. Or, the person who is told the information reacts to hearing things she or he ought to have known. Or, reacts to us for being the bearer of the information. On the other hand, there are times when disclosing secrets may be considered necessary, even if doing so leads to conflict.

Today’s blog invites those who tend to share confidences to consider how the possible outcomes can lead to conflict, even when sharing them may be considered a good idea.

  • Considering one tale you told out of school, what was it?
  • For what reasons did you share it?
  • What was the impact on the person you told? 
  • What conflict resulted, if any? With whom?
  • If you had not shared what you were told, what difference would that have made to you?
  • If you had not shared it, what difference would that have made to the person who conveyed it to you?
  • If you had not shared it, what difference would that make to the person you told? Others?
  • Generally-speaking, under what circumstances do you think “telling tales out of school” can lead to conflict?
  • Under what circumstances is it a good idea to share confidences?
  • When you feel compelled to share a tale at a future time, what will you consider that you may not have considered this time?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Impact, Metaphors | 4 Comments

Pick Your Battles

Posted on June 11, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

You have likely heard the expression “pick your battles” and know the gist of its meaning. I have said this at times to friends and colleagues who find themselves in a number of disagreements about a number of matters – each appear to have different intensities and weights of importance to them.

Out of curiosity I looked up the meaning. According to this source, “pick your battles” is likely based on a military strategy. That is, “The best way [to achieve success on the war front] would be to mobilize the forces at a strategic point to then move on to deal with the next issue”. Generally, the phrase “pick your battles” is considered a phrase of wisdom, described as follows:

“Pick Your Battles implies that one should know when to fight for a cause and when to let go and accept the situation. The simple reason is that, fighting for ever sundry cause may label one as a rebel and accepting every thing as it is may seem submissive. So knowing to Pick Your Battles is the key. Some may choose to pick battles that deal with issues of injustice. Others may pick battles when they are sure that they’re on the correct side of law. Many may not like to pick battles in which they have very slim chances of winning. One way to Pick Your Battles is to decide if the issue is worth the battle.”

The ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) today are for those of you who experience a lot of disputes and wonder about which one(s) to take on and which one(s) to let go of.

  • What sorts of ‘battles’ do you experience on a regular basis?
  • What makes them ‘battles’?
  • How do you describe the impact on you of engaging in a number of ‘battles’ at a time?
  • Which one(s) are especially compelling for you?
  • What is it about that one (those) that makes them especially compelling?
  • Which one(s) are not really worth your time and energy?
  • Why is that the case for that one (those)?
  • If you let go of some, what would you gain?
  • If you let go of some, what would you lose?
  • What criteria could you use to determine which ‘battles’ are worth fighting for and which are not?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Metaphors | 2 Comments