Do you remember the expression “sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me”? If so, you may also recall, as I do, that it was (and may still be) a stock response to verbal bullying in grade school playgrounds. The meaning is evident and is simply described by one resource as follows: “A response to an insult, implying that ‘You might be able to hurt me by physical force but not by insults’.” Apparently, the earliest use of this expression is from an American periodical, The Christian Recorder (March 1862), which further added to this adage – by way of explanation: “True courage consists in doing what is right, despite the jeers and sneers of our companions.”

The phrase “sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me” has no doubt been superseded by more current streetwise comebacks. Though we often consider such techniques as ones that children use, adults also employ jeers, insults, sneers, or name-calling (see a previous blog called Name-Calling) and despite the notion that names (read also: jeers, insults, etc.) do not hurt, they do. They also serve to polarize and create a power imbalance that precludes effective conflict engagement and communications. Names, jeers, and insults initiate and perpetuate conflict in ways that can leave indelible marks by echoing indefinitely in the ears of those on the receiving end.

Not to condone taunts such as those described above, I have wondered what compels their use. It may be that people who employ these and other such methods never learned more constructive ways of managing themselves and others. Perhaps, they have run out of other ways to cope, defend, or express themselves in response to the emotional pain they are experiencing. It may be they learned such techniques from bullying role models. They could have found such methods give them a sense of power or compensates for their insecurities. These thoughts on why such techniques are used do not make them acceptable or excusable. Rather, they are meant to help understand the drivers that motivate the use of these methods and considerations for those to whom they are directed.

Today’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog asks readers who tend to jeer, insult, sneer, or name-call in conflict and those who are the brunt of such techniques, to consider situations when either or both occurred.

• In a conflict situation in which you have sneered, jeered, insulted the other person, called her or him names, etc., what specific technique(s) did you use? What did you specifically say or do?
• What motivated you to use that technique/those techniques?
• What were you aiming to achieve by doing so? What did you accomplish? What did you not achieve?
• Under what circumstances, in general, do you find yourself using the technique(s) you referred to in your answer to the first question?
• What conflict masterful technique(s), in general, may work more effectively if you want to learn new methods in the circumstances you described?
• Considering a situation when someone has name-called, sneered, jeered, or insulted you in a conflict, what did she or he specifically say?
• What do you think compelled her or him to say or do that?
• What did you say or do in response?
• How did that work? How did it not work?
• What other response do you think may have worked better now that you think about it?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

I always smile when I hear the expression titled in this week’s blog. It is meaty with metaphor and meaning. I first learned it many years ago. It was during a conflict that a friend was describing and wondering what to do about it. Another of our friends said, “Whatever you do, don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.” I got what it meant within the context of what was being shared and the friend in conflict conducted himself accordingly. I have used this expression many times since – whenever I hear others intending to retaliate out of spite.

That fact is that what happens to some of us during a conflict is that we say or do something to hurt the other person because of our own feelings of hurt, betrayal, disappointment, and other emotions. We may seek retaliation or revenge and not always be fully conscious of doing so. Or, we may be aware and purposely act out of spite. In any case, it is not always clear what motivates our reactions. Perhaps we act out of a sense of despair that we are not being heard or the pain we are experiencing brings out such a reaction. Maybe there is a mean streak that shows sometimes when a dynamic is very hurtful.

It was not until recently that I looked up the meaning of the expression “do not cut off your nose to spite your face”. In keeping with the above discussion, it essentially refers to disadvantaging ourselves in order to do harm to an adversary. As to the origin of this phrase, the precise wording ‘cut off your nose to spite your face’ does not appear in print until the 18th century. Versions of proverbs that mean much the same thing date back to the Tudor era. Then, Grose’s 1796 edition of the Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue (love that title!) reflected the current form in this sentence: “He cut off his nose to be revenged of his face. Said of one who, to be revenged on his neighbour, has materially injured himself.”

If you have found yourself taking out something on another person to your disadvantage – that is, cutting off your nose to spite your face – this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog may help you explore this tendency:

• Considering a situation in which you acted out of spite to your detriment, what did you do or say?
• What compelled you to take the action(s) or say the words you did?
• What sorts of things occurred as a consequence of your actions – for you? For the other person?
• Using the metaphor of cutting off your nose to spite your face, what does your nose represent in that situation?
• What else did you figuratively or literally cut off besides your nose?
• What does your face represent in this situation?
• How was that spited by your actions?
• What are you thinking now about the situation that you weren’t thinking about at the time?
• What would you like to do differently in the future when the inclination to spite another person arises?
• How will your face be when you don’t cut off your nose to spite your face?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?