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Bury Your Head in the Sand

Posted on September 17, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

It’s not likely that burying our heads in the sand when in conflict helps to solve matters, mend the relationship, or clarify assumptions and perceptions. Sometimes though it may be the best tact.

The expression “bury your head in the sand” apparently comes from the supposed habit of ostriches hiding their heads when faced with an attack by predators. The story was first recorded by the Roman writer Pliny the Elder. One source I found says, however, that ostriches don’t hide, either in bushes (as Pliny suggested) or sand, although they do sometimes lie on the ground to make themselves inconspicuous. An interesting take on this story (without much support, however) is that ostriches are not smart and believe that if they can’t see their attackers then the attackers can’t see them.

When humans refuse to acknowledge a conflict it may feel like a safe place to be, as opposed to being in the eye of conflict. It may serve to temporarily settle things down. It may serve to excuse the other person’s or our own actions or words. It may mean our thoughts and feelings are not expressed or that we do not want them to be. It may result in the dissension dissipating, at least temporarily.

Whatever the reasons, burying our heads in the sand when it comes to conflict reflects the inclination to avoid – even hide – from conflict. If this is a tendency you have, check out this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions):

  • Considering a current conflict you are avoiding, what thoughts are you burying?
  • What emotions are you burying?
  • What is comfortable about burying your thoughts? Your emotions?
  • What is uncomfortable about burying your thoughts? Your emotions?
  • What do you fear most that may be keeping you from acknowledging the conflict?
  • How does burying your head help you? How does it help the other person?
  • How does burying your head hurt you? How does it hurt the other person?
  • What are you hiding from that you don’t think the other person or others can see?
  • What do you think is obvious to the other person or others though you are trying to bury your thoughts and emotions?
  • What needs to happen for you to be able to acknowledge conflict?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Avoiding, Metaphors | 2 Comments

That Put My Back Up

Posted on September 10, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

It is likely that most of us are able to specifically refer to some things that ‘put our backs up’ – an expression that describes the impact of being provoked by certain acts or deeds of another person.

The derivation is from the habit of cats arching their backs when threatened or annoyed. It is apparently a colloquial term that came into being in Britain in the 18th century.

If you have a cat you will relate to this. I have a wonderful cat whom I adore. Her sweet, gentle, loving manner quickly changes when the neighbourhood cats come to the kitchen window, or the racoons prowl on the patio at night, or a stranger appears at the door. I hear hissing first and then, when I get there to see what the fuss is, the darling feline looks fierce. Her back is indeed arched and she looks ready to pounce. I am reminded at these times of the strong survival instincts of her ancestors.

We humans also demonstrate our angry response to threats in a way that fits with this phrase. Literally speaking, some of us respond to something that challenges us by raising our shoulders, rounding or straightening our backs, and otherwise showing a physical reaction with our bodies. There is usually no mistaking the posture as anything but an emotional and defensive reaction to something offensive.

If you are aware of your back going up – literally or figuratively when in conflict – or have observed this in others, consider this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions):

  • When your back goes up in conflict, how would you describe what you look like?
  • What are you experiencing at these times?
  • What sort of things put your back up?
  • When your back goes up, where does your heart go?
  • How may a friend or family member who observes your back go up describe what they see?
  • How do you think your reaction appears to the other person that is different from your answer to the previous question? What may be the same?
  • When you have observed someone else put her or his back up when in conflict (and perhaps, relating to a dispute happening with you), how would you describe what you see?
  • What impact do your observations (answer to the above question) have on you?
  • How is putting your back up a useful conflict technique? How it is not?
  • If you want to stop putting your back up as a reaction, what may you do instead?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Body Language, Metaphors | Leave a comment

Losing Face

Posted on September 3, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

Among the fears that some of us have about interpersonal conflict is the loss of something important to us. It may be a fear we will lose what we are fighting for. It may be we fear losing the relationship. We may fear the loss of our position or status. Another loss some of us have when we are in conflict, or when we expect one may evolve, has to do with losing face and experiencing related emotions such as humiliation.

According to one source, the idiom – loss of face – refers to “loss of respect of others, humiliation, public disgrace” and apparently began as a translation of the Chinese phrase  ‘tiu lien’. That phrase may also be expressed in English as ‘to suffer public disgrace’, as to be unable to show one’s face in public.

To further explore this aspect of conflict when responding to the following set of ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions), consider a situation in which you feel you lost face:

  • What does the expression losing face mean to you?
  • In what ways do you think you lost face in the situation you have in mind?
  • What do you look like without face?
  • What did the other person specifically say or do that led to that occurring?
  • What did it feel like to lose face? What thoughts occurred to you at this time?
  • What other words or expression explain what you experienced?
  • How may you or did you gain back face, if you did?
  • What positive things came from losing face?
  • In what ways could you have prevented losing face?
  • What do you think generally contributes to you losing face in conflict? What helps to get it back?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Metaphors | Leave a comment

Making an Apology

Posted on August 27, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

As you know, last week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog was entitled “Apologizing” and specifically what constitutes an effective apology. This week’s blog asks more and different questions about making apologies. Doing so can be challenging for some of us – depending on the circumstance – as we do not always know if they will be received well and if the other person is ready and willing to listen. Or, we do not know if we are ready, sincerely wanting to apologize, or just wanting to say we are sorry because we think one is expected or we should.

Some of the other many considerations besides the other person’s readiness and our own include timing, degree of offense taken, our individual contributions to the discord, and our own lingering feelings about what happened. These and other variables tend to complicate apologies and the willingness to forgive.

It helps to give some time and energy to think out what we want to say before proceeding with apologies, and to be prepared for the possibilities that may arise in response. The following questions help explore an apology you are wondering about giving:

  • Thinking about a situation about which you wonder whether to make an apology, for what do you want to apologize?
  • What part of the apology are you feeling sincere about giving?
  • Which part of the apology does not feel sincere? Why does that not feel sincere?
  • What do you think the other person wants you to acknowledge and apologize for that you do not want to? Why don’t you, if this applies?
  • What will you not say in your apology because it may lead to a negative reaction?
  • What sentiments and words will you use that you feel are appropriate and likely to be well received?
  • What tone of voice do you plan to use? Body language?
  • How do you intend to respond if you do not get the response you hope for?
  • If you were on the receiving end of your intended apology, what would be said or done that would motivate you to accept it?
  • What do you know for sure about the apology you plan to make that you did not know or understand before your reflections here?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Apologizing, Forgiving, Reactions | Leave a comment

Apologizing

Posted on August 20, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

It often happens after an interpersonal dispute that one or both people apologize for something said or done that upset the other person. We may realize our actions were not warranted or that we said something that hurt the other person. We may have shared long-held sentiments that had remained unspoken and then, observe the negative consequences of doing so. We may have acted out of malice and on reflection, admit what we said or did was mean-spirited. The list goes on and any number of dynamics occur when we are in dispute about which we later experience remorse and ask for forgiveness.

Whether we apologize or the other person does or we both do, we all have ideas regarding what constitutes a sincere apology. Sometimes we are not quite ready to extend or receive one. Sometimes we find something said or done to be unforgivable. Sometimes we accept an apology or give one and we do not really mean it.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog asks readers to consider what has worked for you as an apology after a conflict.

  • Generally, what do you think are the best ingredients of an effective apology?
  • When someone apologizes to you and you feel it is sincere, what are they saying or doing to make it so?
  • How does it feel when someone apologizes and you are not quite ready?
  • What do you say or do in response at these times?
  • When you otherwise find it difficult to accept an apology, why is that the case?
  • When you have said “apology accepted” (or something else that indicates your acceptance) and you have not meant it, what happens?
  • What have you said or done in response to an apology made to you that is an attempt to just get past the situation – even though you are still upset, hurt, etc. by the experience? What is that like for you?
  • Considering a specific situation in which you did not accept an apology given, what was that like for you? What was it like for the other person?
  • What difference do you think it made in that situation – when you did not accept the apology?
  • What have you learned over time works best for you to be able to accept an apology? To give one?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Apologizing, Forgiving | 4 Comments