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Fears about Tears

Posted on May 21, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

When some of us get upset we cry. It’s just what happens. Crying is considered by some to be gender and sometimes culture specific. However, in my coaching work I have seen both men and women from a wide range of cultures cry. I have also heard both genders – across cultures – talk about internal weeping though those words are not used.

(Internal weeping may be described as experiencing deep and overwhelming feelings about the situation or the other person. Words to express these feelings do not come easily. Internal weeping may include a sense of helplessness, despair, sadness, and other emotions that can be immobilizing.)

For some who cry outwardly, doing so provides, among other things, a release of built up emotions – hurt, anger, frustration, disappointment, and so on. Some feel embarrassed about their tears though, and believe it is perceived as a sign of weakness or being out of control. Worrying that they will cry when trying to engage the other person and be judged for doing so, often results in fears about making any effort to communicate.

Persons in a conflict who do not react with tears may view the person who does as manipulative and dramatic. As feared by those who cry, some do perceive crying as weak or a sign of the inability to regulate emotions. They may also fear the tears of the person crying – not knowing what to do or say to manage their reactions. In essence then, fears about tears arise for those who cry when in conflict and for the person who doesn’t cry.

If you yourself do not cry easily or outwardly and tears create fears for you, this week’s blog will resonate:

  • What do you fear about people who cry when you are in conflict with them? What other emotions do you feel at these times?
  • Generally-speaking, what is it about tears that is disturbing, concerning, upsetting, etc.?
  • Considering a specific conflict situation in which the other person’s tears had an adverse impact on you, what do you know or think she or he was crying about?
  • What was the impact on you?
  • What message was she or he trying to convey at this time? What emotions were you picking up amidst the tears?
  • How did you react?
  • In what ways did your reaction help things? Not help?
  • How would you like to respond to someone who is crying that may be more effective than what you say or do now?
  • How would things be different in the situation you refer to here, if you handled the other person’s tears the way you just described?
  • What do you want to fear less from now on when it comes to the other person’s tears when you are in conflict with her or him?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Emotions in Conflict, Fears, Reactions | 2 Comments

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar

Posted on May 14, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

I was fairly young when I first heard the idiom ‘you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar’. It was one of my mother’s pearls of wisdom. Her name was Pearle and so, she took her name seriously by dispensing precious lessons on life with short homilies and expressions.

I recall this particular one was said to me when I wanted something from my cousin and after a few attempts at asking nicely, I gave up and became more demanding. I can still hear my mother making this statement and me discovering, this time and others, that using a sweet approach rather than a sour one works most of the time.

Recently I looked up the meaning of the metaphor – ‘you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar’ – and not surprisingly the description is as follows: “Flies represent anything you want to achieve. Honey (sweet) represents anything pleasant that you do to get what you want. Vinegar (sour) represents anything unpleasant that you do to get what you want. It tells you to use nice methods rather than unkind methods in dealing with other people.”

Though I have never been overly fond of the word ‘nice’, I understand the lesson made by differentiating the use of honey and vinegar in this idiom and the difference it makes to a conflict whether we are nice or not. This expression is pertinent to this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog, for which readers are asked to consider the queries below as they relate to a conflict in which you used honey and/or vinegar:

  • In what way(s) did you use honey in that conflict? (What was ‘nice’ about this approach?)
  • What happened as a consequence of using honey?
  • In what way(s) did you use vinegar? (How was that approach ‘unkind’?)
  • What happened as a consequence of using vinegar?
  • How would you describe the specific flies you caught with the honey you used?
  • What specific flies did you ‘catch’ with the vinegar you used?
  • What flies didn’t you ‘catch’ with the honey or vinegar that you wanted to?
  • How would you describe the impact on the other person when you used honey? When you used vinegar?
  • When someone has used honey with you, how have you experienced that? When they used vinegar?
  • What lessons occur to you about the expression ‘you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar’?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Metaphors, Reactions | 2 Comments

Conflict Resilience

Posted on May 7, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

The aftermath of conflict is fraught with ongoing tension for many. Even when a situation is resolved, it is common that residual feelings and thoughts prevail. Hurt, anger, disappointment, and other emotions that linger reflect unresolved needs for which blame and criticism and other negative reactions may remain. Some people are plagued by wish-statements like: “I wish I had said…”; or “I wish I hadn’t…” Sometimes, the afterthought and feelings overwhelm and preclude any semblance of resolution or reconciliation that had appeared as outcomes.

A questionnaire CINERGY® designed on the subject of resilience provides a self-assessment on this subject. It is called the Conflict Resilience Quotient (CRQ) and this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog invites readers to check out your conflict resilience by completing the form below.

 

After most interpersonal conflicts, I usually tend to: Less  More

True True

Recover quickly and do not worry, agonize or stay preoccupied about what the other person said or did that offended me. 1  2  3  4  5
Forgive and do not bear a grudge about the other person and what s/he said or did. Or if I am not ready to forgive yet, I don’t let the interaction weigh me down. 1  2  3  4  5
Reflect on what I learned from the conflict that will help me manage future disagreements. 1  2  3  4  5
Reach out to make amends with the other person, or talk out and clarify our differences. 1  2  3  4  5
Take responsibility for my part of the conflict and consider what I may have done differently. 1  2  3  4  5
Not share my side of the situation with others in self-serving and distorted ways. 1  2  3  4  5
Feel hopeful that things will be better and consider how I will try to contribute positively to this happening. 1  2  3  4  5
Move on and not see myself as a victim or feel sorry for myself. 1  2  3  4  5
Not continue to perceive the other person in negative ways. 1  2  3  4  5
Not gossip about and bad-mouth the other person to others. 1  2  3  4  5
Identify what may have been important to the other person that I did not realize before. 1  2  3  4  5
Apologize for my part of the conflict. 1  2  3  4  5
Have a better appreciation for and understanding of the other person’s perspective on the issues, even if I don’t agree with it. 1  2  3  4  5
Not criticize, blame myself or engage in other self-deprecating behaviors about what I did or said (or didn’t say or do). 1  2  3  4  5
Let go of blaming the other person for what s/he did or said (or didn’t say or do). 1  2  3  4  5
Total:

Scoring Key

15-39      Hmmm…I guess you already know you are not conflict resilient and coaching is highly recommended.

40-54      Your conflict resilience quotient is low and conflict coaching is recommended.

55-69      You are conflict resilient with a few areas that could use some work to strengthen your skills even more.

70-75      You are definitely conflict resilient!

 

Feel free to share you further thoughts regarding what constitutes resilience when it comes to conflict in the Comment section below.

Posted in Conflict Management Coaching, Resilience | 4 Comments

Speaking Up

Posted on April 30, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

One of the things that leads to conflict – at least inner conflict – is when we seem to lose the ability to speak up, voice our needs, express our feelings, defend our perspective, and so on. This may have to do with the fear of conflict and ironically, can easily result in unnecessary discord and tension – at least internally.

There may be some situations and people that are more challenging than others that seem to preclude the wherewithal to speak up. Or, for some speaking up does not come easily, under any or most circumstances. In any case, interpersonal conflict can be a time when self-limiting beliefs and behaviours go into high gear for some people and their confidence plummets along with self-esteem.

For this week’s blog, please consider a situation in which you are not speaking up, to be able to put the following ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) within that context:

  • Firstly, what does the expression ‘speaking up’ mean to you?
  • What is the particular situation you have in mind in which you are not speaking up?
  • What are the main messages that you would express, if you did speak up?
  • What is most important to you about conveying that (those) message(s)?
  • What is keeping you from speaking up?
  • What is the best case scenario if you convey the message you want?
  • In your view, what best describes the opposite of speaking up?
  • If you were to overcome whatever is keeping you from speaking up, how would that be for you?
  • How would you describe the opportunities that speaking up will make more possible?
  • How would you feel if you spoke up and your message got across?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Reactions | 4 Comments

Bottling Things Up

Posted on April 23, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

One of the things that happens when an interpersonal conflict begins to brew is a need to decide whether or not to raise the issue, concern, etc. with the other person. And how and when to do so, if that is the choice we make. This conundrum is often complicated for those who have a tendency to ‘bottle things up’ which essentially translates into containing thoughts and feelings and a hesitancy to share what is happening.

Let’s take the imagery of bottling things up a little further by picturing the bottle. To start with – depending on the situation and the person – we may view what’s in the bottle as inconsequential. This may mean we see some stuff in it, but not much to fuss about. As thoughts and feelings begin to grow – due to repeated and noxious interactions with the other person – picture the bottle becoming fuller of stuff that is murky and not very appetizing. When this occurs, it becomes more evident to us, and likely the other person, that we are bottling things up. For instance, we may look and feel as though we are on the brink of overflowing.

This week’s blog asks readers to consider a situation in which this metaphor applies to you when answering these ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions):

  • If you are inclined to bottle things up, how do you describe that tendency?
  • What specific emotions are you are bottling up about a situation you have in mind?
  • What percentage of the bottle is consumed with these negative feelings?
  • What thoughts are you bottling up?
  • What percentage of the bottle is consumed with your negative thoughts?
  • What may cause the feelings and thoughts in the bottle to overflow?
  • What could you say or do to reduce your negative emotions about the situation or other person that would be helpful? What could you say or do to reduce your negative thoughts?
  • What would you pour out first if you were to intentionally tip the bottle?
  • When you ultimately empty the bottle, what will that be and feel like?
  • When you begin to bottle things up at a future time, what may you do differently if you don’t want to do so?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Emotions in Conflict, Metaphors, Reactions | 2 Comments