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Sweet Conflict

Posted on December 16, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

It may be hard to imagine the word conflict being qualified by the adjective “sweet”. Yet, think of the times that goodness comes from reconciling differences that had been having a negative impact on a relationship. Think, too, of the relief experienced after expressing unspoken truths and the outcome of doing so is positive. Think of the importance of finding how we inadvertently contributed to someone’s upset and have the chance to make it ‘right’ . Think of mending the breakdown in our communications with a person we care about and how good that feels. Think, too, what it feels like to find mutually satisfying resolution despite our opposing viewpoints. And, in that regard, think of what it’s like when we acknowledge we may not agree on everything but still show gracious respect for one another’s perspective.

These are some aspects of what constitutes “sweet” conflict as I see it, and they contemplate, among other things, that we have lots to gain from dynamics that appear to be fraught with hurt and anger and seemingly irreconcilable differences. That is, if we consider the possibility of learning from our conflicts we may just end up enjoying the sweetness of knowing the other person – and ourselves – better because we share what’s important to each of us and are wiser because we dare to do so.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider what may be sweet about a conflict you are experiencing or did experience.

  • What is the conflict about that you want to consider?
  • What is difficult about imagining it as a sweet experience?
  • For this conflict to be sweet what would have to happen to make it such for you? For the other person?
  • What makes that sweet (your answer to the previous question)?
  • What are you considering about yourself that you hadn’t before as you contemplate how ‘sweetness’ may apply to conflict?
  • What are you considering about the other person that you didn’t know before this conflict?
  • What is there to be gained from this conflict that isn’t apparent right now but has the potential for being sweet?
  • What adjective other than sweet may you use to describe the good that is coming or could come from this conflict?
  • What positive way do you want to view yourself at the end of this conflict?
  • How will you ensure that happens (your answer to the previous question)?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

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Chancing Your Arm

Posted on December 9, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

I like this story about the expression chancing your arm and thought I would pass it on to you. My colleague Mary Rafferty used it recently when referring to someone taking a risk and I had never heard of it. The phrase’s roots did have risk attached to it and also a peaceful gesture.

The story goes that “In 1492 two Irish families, the Butlers of Ormonde and the FitzGeralds of Kildare, were involved in a bitter feud. This disagreement centred around the position of Lord Deputy. Both families wanted one of their own to hold the position. In 1492 this tension broke into outright warfare and a small skirmish occurred between the two families just outside the city walls.

The Butlers, realising that the fighting was getting out of control, took refuge in the Chapter House of Saint Patrick’s Cathedral. However, the FitzGeralds followed them into the Cathedral and asked them to come out and make peace. The Butlers, afraid that if they did so they would be slaughtered, refused.

As a gesture of good faith the head of the Kildare family, Gerald FitzGerald, ordered that a hole be cut in the door. He then thrust his arm through the door and offered his hand in peace to those on the other side.  Upon seeing this, FitzGerald was willing to risk his arm by putting it through the door the Butlers reasoned that he was serious in his intention. They shook hands through the door, the Butlers emerged from the Chapter House and the two families made peace.

Today this door is known as the ‘Door of Reconciliation’ and is on display in the Cathedral’s north transept. This story also lives on in a famous expression in Ireland ‘To chance your arm’.”

There is only one ConflictMastery™ Quest(ion) for today’s blog. It is:

  • How may you chance your arm as a gesture of reconciliation to someone you have been denying forgiveness?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

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Having an Axe to Grind

Posted on December 2, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

According to wiseGEEK “There are two meanings to the phrase ‘an axe to grind’. The first meaning is the traditional American one, which means having an ulterior motive or personal reasons, other than the obvious, for doing something. The British meaning is to hold a grudge or a grievance against someone or something.”

The same source says:

“The term comes from the grinding of axes using a grindstone. Axes were first made of wood and stone, then came to be composed of the best metal available to the person. They are used for splitting wood, felling trees and various other things. They are also a weapon of aggression. Axes are sharpened using a round grindstone that is rotated on an axle using a foot pump.”

The U.S. (Philadelphia) origin is that Charles Miner wrote a cautionary tale about his childhood in which he relates that he was duped into grinding an axe for a man using a grindstone. Once Miner finished the task, the man left without even saying “Thank you” or rewarding Miner for his hard work.

“Naturally, Miner held a grudge of sorts and used the metaphor to warn others of ulterior motives and self-interest. His tale led to him saying in 1812, ‘When I see a merchant over polite to his customers…Thinks I, that man has an axe to grind.’ The hidden motive for the merchant is profit and the metaphor can be taken to mean someone who is nice in order to get what he wants.”

Apparently, other origins of having an axe to grind have been considered but appear to have much the same meaning of having a grievance about someone’s actions – with a need to seek retribution.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog explores this phrase and invites you to consider a person about which you might say you have an axe to grind.

  • What is the situation?
  • What did the other person do?
  • What makes her or his actions egregious?
  • What motives do you think she or he had?
  • If there is a chance her or his actions had some positive meaning to them, what might that be?
  • Of the various definitions of having an axe to grind, which one reflects your experience in relation to the conflict you are discussing here?
  • What does the axe represent in that scenario?
  • What do you hope grinding the axe with her or him might achieve?
  • How does it feel to do so (your answer to the previous question)?
  • What are you thinking now about the other person that is different than when you began this series of questions?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

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Getting Hot Under the Collar

Posted on November 25, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

According to Mom Generations the origin of the idiom hot under the collar “comes from the fact that anger or aggression generally causes a person’s face and neck to become red, sweaty and hot.  Since the collar covers the neck, the collar becomes hot and sweaty.” This expression provides a good visual of people who literally become hot from their agitation and anger when in conflict. This reaction is the subject of this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog.

Focusing first on what I observe when someone gets hot under the collar, the most obvious thing I notice is a red face and sometimes the neck (just as in the description above). Often I see that the persons’ eyes are wide and their body may be fidgety or their demeanour appears aggressive. It is clear – in whatever ways it is physically demonstrated – that the person is agitated.

Focusing now on other signs – when I see someone get hot under the collar – I notice she or he may speak quickly or not at all. They may sound breathless or speech patterns may emerge that reflect tension and the range of emotions being experienced. Voices may be louder, words may be punctuated with expletives, and the people getting increasingly vexed may strongly emphasize certain viewpoints and phrases by repeating themselves.

If you have observed these and other sorts of reactions in another person when you are in conflict with them and wonder how to respond, the following questions may assist in your quest for conflict mastery.

  • As you bring to mind a specific person and situation, describe what the conflict was about.
  • How do you describe the demeanour of the other person getting hot under the collar?
  • How do you describe her or his voice?
  • What else did you notice that, in your view, further defines this expression getting hot under the collar?
  • What are the points the other person is making that seem to account for her or his “hotness”?
  • How is the person being hot under the collar affecting you?
  • Of all that she or he is saying, what part or parts do you own and are willing to take responsibility for, if any? What else may you be willing to concede, if anything?
  • What might you say to lessen the other person’s stress – if you wish to do so?
  • When you have become hot under the collar in conflict situations, what happens to you that others likely observe?
  • What has helped reduce your “hotness”? What is a “cooler” way to respond that is more aligned with how you want to be and be perceived?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

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NEW BOOK – Conflict Mastery: Questions to Guide You

Posted on November 18, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

I am thrilled to announce that my new book is now available through Amazon. It is called “Conflict Mastery: Questions to Guide you”.

This is a short summary of what it is about:

This book is about expanding perspectives on common aspects of conflict experiences—before, during, and after they arise—through the use of reflective questions and commentary. Metaphors, plays on words, and other questioning methods invite readers to think and feel differently about these aspects and try new and different ways of viewing and being in conflict. The questions are also designed to expand the quest to become more conflict masterful by making the route there more interesting and positive.

This book is also available in REPRODUCIBLE workbook format.

Warm regards,

Cinnie

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