One of the reactions to being in conflict is to freeze. It’s a state of feeling blocked and immobilized – unable to think or respond. We may also freeze by turning emotionally cold toward the other person. As a result of either reaction, our ability to engage effectively in conflict is also frozen.

What does it take for you to defrost when in conflict, to effectively respond to the other person?

When some of us are in conflict – or even before and afterwards – we tend to complain about the other person and the things they said or did. While we might feel totally justified with our plaints, we may also sound righteous, blameful and annoying. Not everyone who listens to us particularly enjoys, or necessarily cares, to hear us vent. They may call it whining.

How might you vent what stresses you about a conflict in a way that doesn’t sound like whining?

Interpersonal conflict affects us in many ways – one way being that the emotions that are activated get in our way of thinking clearly, creative problem-solving, and decision-making. Initially emotions propel high energy to assert and defend ourselves. Then, they drain that energy – leaving us depleted and often despairing.

How might you be in conflict in a way that raises your energy in constructive ways?

When someone says or does something we don’t like or agree with, we may respond with a statement like “give me a break”. Its sarcastic edge shows our disdain, which is often interpreted as condescending and a put down. In the end, such a statement leaves little room for discussion since it doesn’t acknowledge the other person’s viewpoint, even if we don’t like it. Nor does it suggest alternatives to consider that break the stalemate.

What responses – other than ones like “give me a break” – opens up, rather than closes, a conflict conversation?

Being accommodating is a conflict management style that is sometimes appropriate for the person and circumstance. There are other times though when accommodating translates into appeasing, yielding, giving up and compromising what is important to us.  In many cases when we choose to accommodate we later experience regret, a loss of self-esteem and self-respect, and we end up resenting the other person.

How will you accommodate someone else’s needs in a situation – when it appears appropriate to do so – without giving up on yourself?