Some interpersonal conflicts go on and on. Sometimes they seem to become an endless display of infantile behaviour, blame, ongoing resentment and gossip – all of which perpetuate a non-stop cycle of misery.

How will you stop yourself from veering towards a cycle of misery?

Our siblings, friends, children, co-workers, staff and others with whom we share our lives learn from observing and interacting with us just as we learn from our experiences with them. This includes how we interact when in conflict. Some learning is productive. Some is shameful.

What is the legacy you want to pass on about how you engage in conflict?

We don’t usually see how we look and act when in conflict. The only mirror in front of us is the other person who often reflects how we are acting. However, we may not realize that if we shift how we are being to be more positive, we have the ability to also affect the course of the conflict and the relationship more positively.

In what ways might you change your actions in a conflict to hold up a more positive mirror for the other person to reflect?

We learn how to catch as youngsters. It’s a huge feat when our little hands grasp the first baseball or other object someone throws at us. As adults we have the same ability, but at this stage we have the ability to catch ourselves from saying and doing things that we know – at some level of consciousness – are lethal. When we catch ourselves in these instances, we may even experience a sense we have accomplished a feat – having overcome a tendency to react and conduct ourselves in ways that we later regret.

How might you catch yourself from saying and doing things that you are likely to regret?

We have choices about whether and when to interact in a conflict dynamic. We also have choices about how and who we want to be. Sometimes, heat of the moment experiences challenge this thinking – that we are at choice. However, choosing to believe we are at  choice is a more powerful and real belief than believing we are not in charge of ourselves.

How do you choose to be in a conflict you are in?