FEAR – THE CHEAPEST ROOM IN THE HOUSE
“Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions” (Hafiz)
I smile when I read this quote and think about it when I become fearful about my own relational conflicts (or something else) – when it comes to something I’m afraid of but cannot necessarily articulate. When I can get to a place to examine my fears though, to move away from them, I am more likely to explore what’s really going on for me, what fears are legitimate and what is the story I’m telling myself that may not be grounded in reality. The hope is I’ll move outside of the cheapest room in the house to one rich with insights, different perspectives, and confidence to move forward.
I have come to refer to this quote when my coaching clients express their fears about engaging in conflict. It may be fear of saying the wrong thing; it maybe fear about damaging the relationship; it may be fear that things will not be reconcilable; it may be fear about whether to tell the truth or about hearing the truth; it may be fear about hurting the other person or being hurt by them. (Note: this blog is not about the fear of being physically hurt).
These and other fears – though unquestionably real feelings – are not necessarily real happenings. Staying with them in the room we make in our hearts and minds can preclude the possibility of reconciliation or at least a better understanding of the conflict dynamic, the other person and ourselves. This means we stay stuck in fear and there is no resolution or at least some way to open the door to a new room.
For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog I suggest you bring to mind an interpersonal dispute about which fear is keeping you in a sad and immobilized place and see if these questions open the door to new thinking and being :
- What happened in that dispute?
- About what are you fearful because of that dispute?
- What’s the reality of that fear on a scale of 1-10, 10 being ‘very real’?
- What other words describe your emotional reaction?
- What don’t you know about the interaction that’s contributing to your fears?
- How does what you don’t know add to your fears if it does ( they do)?
- What, in the cheap room of fear, doesn’t feel worth your while to stay there ?
- What do you want to be feeling that is not based on/in fear?
- What do you want to know that will reduce the fears?
- What do you want or need to do or say to move from the cheap room to a place rich with hope, possibilities, and better living conditions?
- What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
- What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?
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