It seems that when we are in conflict we attribute all sorts of things to the other person that they don’t necessarily own. These are commonly assumptions about their motives for their words or actions that provoked a negative reaction in us. That is, we often believe the other person intended to undermine us or something important to us.

For varying reasons it seems that once we are triggered many of us go to this sort of blame place. We get caught up in being hurt or the victim of the other person’s bad behaviour and don’t consider how we also contributed to the conflict dynamic. These sorts of reactions can add to the damage evolving. However, catching ourselves before that happens can lead to discovering that there’s actually an opportunity to examine what’s really going on, including our part of the interaction. It’s also a time to consider that the attributions we are making about the other person might be more about us than her or him. These pre-emptive measures ultimately help to prevent unnecessary conflict.

Here are some questions to help deconstruct an interpersonal conflict you are in and consider what you own in it.

• What is the conflict about? What did the other person say or do that provoked you?
• For what reasons do you think she or he said or did that?
• If the other person heard you describe her or his reasons, to what might she or he object?
• What other possible reasons might the other person provide for what she or he said or did?
• If you are right about your assumptions, what does that mean for you? For the relationship?
• If you are wrong about your assumptions about the other person, what then?
• How do you know for sure that the other person owns what you are attributing to her or him?
• What do you own regarding your contribution to the conflict (such as what you said or did or how you did so)? What are your reasons for that?
• What might the other person say you said or did that triggered her or him? What might the other person attribute to your reasons for provoking her or him?
• What don’t you and the other person know about the other’s motives for provoking one another? What does your answer here add to what else you might own that you haven’t yet mentioned?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

One way that some of us cope with having our feelings hurt is to retaliate and try to hurt back. It’s times like these that things come out of our mouths that we can’t take back. We may react with name-calling. We may react with accusations we know will offend the other person. We may question her or his intelligence, integrity or other values. We may voice negative assumptions about her or his motives. We might even ignore the other person or walk away as a way of causing hurt. These and other ways we attempt to hurt back usually serve to escalate the conflict.

Why do we hurt back then? There are many reasons. For instance, maybe our reactions come from being insulted and deeply hurt; maybe we have limited ability to step back from conflict to process our emotional interactions; maybe we tend to act on impulse; maybe we feel hopeless that things are not working out as we expected; maybe we are desperate and want what we want without discussion or compromise.

If you hurt someone back who hurt you, consider the following questions to see if they help examine your reaction.

• What did the other person say or do that hurt your feelings?
• What hurt most?
• How do you describe the impact on you, other than being hurt?
• How did you then react that was retaliatory and hurtful for the other person?
• What were you wanting to achieve with that reaction?
• What did your reaction achieve?
• When you think now about hurting the other person’s feelings in reaction to your own hurt in the scenario discussed here, what other response might you have chosen instead?
• What difference might it have made if you chose that response (your answer to the previous question)?
• Going forward, if someone hurts you again, what other ways of responding in the moment might you choose (if you want to) rather than hurting back?
• How might you ensure you choose that response?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

Interpersonal conflict can bring out things in us that we (and others) do not like. Our usual way of interacting may turn into one that is uncharacteristic of us and how we want to show up. Our responses may surprise and upset us. We might be consciously or unconsciously aware we are re-enacting a parent’s or someone else’s reaction, though we don’t like it. Our communication style at these times may also remind us of other occasions we also acted in this manner. In the end, it’s mystifying why we interact the way we do. While other times we have a good idea of why.

The raw emotions that reflect our hurt, anger, rage, disappointment, dejection and other distraught feelings from the interaction frequently account for how we communicate in conflict. We might also not like how the outcome is headed – such as getting the result we want. We may try different ways of responding in hopes we will persuade the other person to see things our way. Or, feeling fed up, despairing and exhausted may also contribute to who and how we become under conflict stress.

Having lost perspective and a sense of how we want to be and be perceived despite the impact of the conflict, we often don’t have the wherewithal to contemplate the optimal way of responding that aligns with our hopes and expectations for the relationship and outcome.

Consider these questions as you bring to mind a conflict in which you acknowledge you weren’t who you wanted to be.

• What was the conflict about?
• What characteristics did you demonstrate that were not the “you” you wanted to be?
• What seemed to bring that on (your answer to the previous question)?
• How do you describe who you became?
• What did you dislike most about who you became?
• What worked about how you acted? In what way(s)?
• What didn’t work? In what way(s)?
• If you have become a person you don’t like in other conflicts what themes may there be, such as what specifically provokes your reaction, who triggers you, the reasons you attribute for the other person’s words of deeds, etc.?
• How would you prefer to be that aligns more closely with how you want to manage conflict?
• Next time, how might you be intentional about achieving your preferred way of being when in conflict?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

Sometimes, walking away from a conflict is the optimal choice. We might realize there’s no useful purpose in continuing to interact when, for instance, both of us are being positional, blameful, angry and tense. We may wait until we gain composure and more perspective on what we both need to resolve matters. However, we may decide the issues are not worth fighting about, or that the conflict is too laden with risks to the relationship.

Other possibilities are that we don’t care enough, or we care a great deal and fear negative repercussions on the relationship. Or, perhaps we are just fed up, discouraged, pessimistic, hurt and hopeless.

This week’s blog invites you to consider a conflict you walked away from when answering the following questions.

• What was the conflict about?
• How do you describe what specifically you walked away from?
• For what reasons did you do so from the above possibilities or others that explain why you walked away?
• In what ways was walking away a good choice?
• In what ways was it not a good choice?
• What would have had to occur to preclude you from walking away?
• What did you walk to?
• Thinking about this situation now, does your original choice about walking away still feel like the optimal one? Why?
• How does your original choice not feel like the optimal one? Why not?
• What choices – other than walking away – are you considering now that you didn’t when the conflict first happened?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

The expression “to lose our temper” refers to various angry reactions to conflict. Our voices might go up; our faces might contort or become red; we might speak quickly and with expletives; we might rant and rave; and we might otherwise respond in ways that demonstrate our temper is rising and we feel out of control of our emotions.

It’s times like this we say “I lost my temper” (or someone says that to or about us by observation). In either case, it’s not the optimal time to engage in conciliatory conversations because that’s clearly not the state of mind we are in. Rather, it’s a time to step back and gain some distance – to reduce the hotness of the temper and regain our cool.

If you bring to mind a time you lost your temper to answer the following questions, it will hopefully help to deconstruct what you lost.

• How do you describe your usual temperament?
• What is the situation in which you lost your temper?
• In what ways did you feel you lost your temper such that it was obvious you were not in your usual temperament?
• If you were able to observe yourself, what were the facial and bodily signs you were losing your temper?
• What resulted in you losing your temper?
• What did you ‘lose’ when you lost your temper?
• What impact did that (your answer to the previous question) have on the conflict?
• What was the impact on the other person? How did she or he respond to you?
• What do you generally have to do to regain your temper? What did you do in this situation?
• How might you have retained your usual temperament in the situation you described?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?