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Bite My Tongue

One reference to the expression “bite my tongue” is “To forcibly prevent oneself from speaking, especially in order to avoid saying something inappropriate or likely to cause a dispute”.

In conflict situations this idiom comes up when there is something we feel compelled to say but catch ourselves from doing so. This might be because we instinctively know it would result in an escalation of matters, be hurtful, stir up more emotion than is necessary and so on.

The imagery is interesting in that if you’ve ever bitten your tongue (haven’t we all?) it HURTS!! It would appear then – considering the idiom’s meaning – that to stop ourselves from hurting someone’s feelings we hurt ourselves physically.

Though it’s not usually the case that we literally bite our tongues and are in pain as a consequence, it is the case that not saying what we want to can cause us inner pain. That is, we may feel our experience of the conflict is not being expressed; we might resent we are being careful about the other person but our emotions are not being reciprocated; we might regret we do not have other skills and tools to effectively make our point without causing damage; and so on.

In this week’s Conflict Mastery Ques(ions) blog consider a time when you “bit your tongue” as you respond to this set of questions.

  • What was the situation?
  • What did you want to say that you didn’t?
  • What specifically stopped you?
  • What did you fear most (if you didn’t already answer that in the previous question)?
  • What was the outcome of this situation?
  • What pain do you think you might have caused if you said what was on your mind?
  • What inner pain did it cause you because you bit your tongue?
  • What did the other person not hear, find out, understand, etc. because you bit your tongue so that she or he didn’t know what was on your mind?
  • If you were to express what you wanted to – in a way that would be more effective than you initially thought – how might you have done so?
  • What is the downside of biting your tongue? What is the upside?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
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Sharing Your Conflict Story

It is commonly the case that when we share our conflicts with others the account of what occurred does not accurately reflect the real situation. That is, what we said and how we said it are not necessarily conveyed exactly how things unfolded. What we said is morphed into self-serving statements of what we wished we said, for instance.

Similarly, we might attribute things to the other person that are not an accurate reflection of what was actually conveyed by her or him. Rather, the comments are more based on assumptions and interpretations. Or, it may be we have a need to blame the other person and get the support of those with whom we share the incident.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to bring to mind a dispute you recently had with a friend, co-worker, family member, boss or other person when answering the following questions.

  • What happened?
  • What did the other person say that upset you most?
  • What assumptions are you making about the other person? How, more specifically, are you interpreting her or his motives?
  • What reasons for her or his words make most sense given the issues in dispute and your relationship?
  • What is the truth about the part you played in the interaction that you left out of the initial retelling of the situation?
  • What didn’t you say or do that you wished you had during the dispute?
  • What are you most regretful about saying?
  • What might the other person regret most regarding her or his part?
  • If you had it to do over, what would you say or do differently?
  • What else is true that remains unsaid so far, if anything?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
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Conflict Can Lead to a Heavy Heart

Since the 1300s the adjective heavy – referring to the heart – has been used in the sense of “weighed down with grief or sadness”.

Having a ‘heavy heart’ is a vivid expression that most of us can relate to for different reasons. For instance, when our hearts are heavy, as a consequence of conflict, whether we experience sadness, loss, anger or other emotions, there is an immobilizing sense that we are unable to move on. We might feel we are at a standstill that precludes us from thinking clearly, making decisions, problem-solving and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a time you had a ‘heavy heart’ after a conflict.

  • What was the incident that led you to having a ‘heavy heart’?
  • What specifically resulted in that feeling?
  • If you were to put a weight on the heaviest you feel in pounds/kg, what would that be?
  • What is the heaviest part of that (your answer to the previous question)?
  • If you were to begin to shed some of the weight, which feelings, part of the incident, etc. would you be able to let go of?
  • What do you supposed you would hold onto longest in the heaviness you are experiencing?
  • Why is that (your answer to the previous question)?
  • What do you gain by holding onto the heaviness?
  • What amount of heaviness (in pounds/kg) would you feel if the heaviness was eased for you to be able to move on in peace? What would help – at this point in time – to ease the heavy feelings, do you think (if you want to do so)?
  • If heaviness in your heart has lifted at all, what facilitated that?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
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Gossip and Conflict

For this final week of August (during some summer holiday time), please find below the eighth most popular blog from 2016. If you are inclined, please provide your comments on why you think this one was so well-received.

GOSSIP AND CONFLICT

Gossip is undoubtedly a universal activity and one that has been historically considered an aid to social bonding. It’s often through gossip that we learn about each other, possibly leading to the realization that we share common backgrounds, values, beliefs and interests that may provide a sense of belonging and friendship.

Gossip in organizations may also inform employees what sort of behaviour is acceptable and unacceptable, and learning news from the office ‘grapevine’ often avoids being blindsided. That is, gossip may help prepare staff to constructively engage in discussions regarding upcoming announcements that have an impact on them.

Having considered several positive outcomes of gossip, it is necessary to also consider how this practice is frequently destructive and leads to conflict. That is, gossip is commonly an exaggeration or fabrication about a person and situation. Those who engage in gossip might, for instance, paint a picture of others that taints their personal and professional lives. It can tarnish careers, personal relationships and reputations. It can embarrass, cause shame and demean people who have no way of defending themselves.

The motivation of those who initiate gossip of this nature is not always evident. Is it to be part of the group? Is it to feel better by putting others down? Is it due to mean-spiritedness? Is it due to jealousy? Only the gossiper knows the reason – and not always consciously. However, even when we participate in the discussion that others initiate, we are complicit and essentially, condone the ‘bad-mouthing’. When conflict emerges, as a consequence, we can be seen as part of the problem.

If you tend to be a gossiper, or regularly engage in gossip that undermines others (whether or not you initiate it), please consider the following questions. It helps to start by bringing to mind a situation in which you initiated a story about a co-worker (or boss, or friend, or family member), or you were told about a situation and participated in a discussion about it.

  • What is the story?
  • What role did you play? ___ Initiator   ____ Participator (check which)
  • What part (parts) of the story do you know for sure is (are) absolutely true? What part (parts) do you know is (are) absolutely not true, as far as you are aware?
  • What part or parts are you unsure about its truth?
  • If you shared the story in the first place (initiator), what motivated you to do so?
  • What purpose did you achieve by sharing the gossip?
  • If you participated in an ongoing discussion about the story (by asking questions and discussing the situation in detail – and not negating it or shutting it down), what motivated you to do so?
  • As the person hearing the gossip, what did you want to say that you didn’t? What stopped you from saying that?
  • What sorts of conflicts are you aware of that unfolded as a result of initiating the story or participating in it?
  • In the end, what benefits were gained from the gossip? What are you specifically realizing is the downside of gossip that you hadn’t before?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?

Originally posted February 23, 2016

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Feeling or Being Understood in Conflict

In this summer time while I am taking some holidays, please find below the seventh most popular blog from 2016. If you are inclined, please provide your comments on why you think this one was so well-received.

FEELING OR BEING UNDERSTOOD IN CONFLICT

In the middle of an interpersonal conflict some of us do not feel we are understood, and that may be the case. However, it may also be that we are being understood. That is, the other person may understand our perspective but we don’t actually believe she or he emotionally relates to our experience, viewpoint and needs. This may be why there is a conflict in the first place. Or, such a dynamic might perpetuate the tension and negatively impact the relationship and the outcome.

If you are not feeling understood, check out the questions from this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog and see if anything shifts in your reflections on this topic.

  • What is the conflict about?
  • What do you think the other person understands about your perspective?
  • What do you think the other person doesn’t understand about your perspective?
  • What do you think she or he understands about your feelings regarding the situation?
  • What do you think she or he doesn’t understand about your feelings regarding the situation?
  • What is most important to you that you want the other person to understand about you?
  • What difference will it make if she or he understands that (your answer to the previous question)?
  • What would the other person need to say or do for you to feel you are understood?
  • If you asked the person to understand what is most important to you about the conflict between you, what would that sound like?
  • If you asked her or him to understand the impact on you, what words would you use?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?

Originally posted May 10, 2016

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