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Bringing Your Best Self to a Conflict

Posted on November 14, 2017 by Cinnie Noble

I like this quote by Doris Lessing from The Golden Notebook:

“There’s only one real sin, and that is to persuade oneself that the second-best is anything but the second-best.”

Many of us consider doing our second best in situations as sufficient. Maybe this is because we didn’t feel our best at the time and excuse our behaviour because it seems to be the best we could bring to it. Other reasons may have to do with low self-esteem, insufficient tools, lack of support and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog suggests that we have a choice to bring our best self – not our second best self – to our conflict situations. What follows then, are some reflective questions to consider before a conflict arises – when you sense one is imminent – to be able to bring your best self to it.

  • What is going on for you that gives you the sense that a conflict is imminent?
  • What is going on that gives you the sense that the other person might be sharing the same sense, if that’s the case?
  • What specifically is being triggered inside you?
  • What might you be saying or doing to provoke the other person?
  • How do you describe the best version of the you that you want to bring to this dispute?
  • By bringing that best version (that you just described), what do you have to do to shift your attitude about the conflict?
  • By bringing that best version (that you just described), what do you have to do to shift your attitude about the other person?
  • By bringing that best version (that you just described), what do you have to do to shift your attitude about yourself?
  • How is the best version of yourself different from the second best version of you?
  • How is the best version of you someone you feel humbled and honoured to be?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching | Leave a comment

Crying Our Eyes Out

Posted on November 7, 2017 by Cinnie Noble

Recently a conflict management coaching client told me she had “cried her eyes out” about a dispute she is having with a co-worker. I have used this same expression myself when I’ve been extremely upset. On this occasion – hearing my client describe her reaction – I was struck by how dramatic this phrase is. It says so much about the depth of feelings experienced – and even the length of time expended in a state of distress.

Of course, we don’t really cry our eyes out. But, the symbolism is poignant and I began to wonder about what the idiom really reflects. Is it about not being able to see anymore? Is it about losing something visual like ‘seeing’ the other person as we want her or him to be? Is it about having to change our vision of ourselves or them? Or, what else might it be?

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to answer the following questions by considering a conflict situation that was or is difficult for you, such as you, metaphorically, said or would say you “cried your eyes out”.

  • What is or was the situation?
  • What is or was most devastating about this situation such that you “cried your eyes out” (or would say this idiom describes your reaction to the situation)?
  • What three words describe the depth of your emotions about this conflict?
  • What stopped the tears – literally or figuratively – eventually?
  • When you stopped crying – literally or figuratively – what new vision do you have about the situation?
  • What might you have lost sight of in this conflict?
  • What new vision do you have about the other person?
  • What new vision do you have about yourself?
  • What else do you see now that you didn’t when you “cried your eyes out” (or felt like you could “cry your eyes out”)?
  • What do you realize now that you consider how you experienced this conflict that reflects the symbolism of saying you “cried your eyes out” or feeling as though you could?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Idioms | Leave a comment

Moving On After Conflict

Posted on October 31, 2017 by Cinnie Noble

The confusion and internal chaos that conflict can, at times, wreak on us accounts, in part, for the desire to move past it and get over it as soon as possible. Often we also want the other person to do so. On the other hand, there are times we might find we are disappointed when she or he moves on too soon.

We vary in our post-conflict reactions and these reactions differ for many reasons. They may depend on factors such as who the other person is, the situation, the degree of hurt we or they experience, our contribution, the outcome and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog is an opportunity to consider your sensibilities post-conflict about a specific situation that you are having trouble moving on from.

  • What was the situation?
  • What seems to be making it challenging for you to move on?
  • What specifically are you holding onto?
  • What remains most unresolved for you about that (your answer to the previous question)?
  • What would it take for you to be able to move on?
  • How likely is that to happen (your answer to the previous question)?
  • If you moved on, what would you miss most that seems to be something you are holding onto?
  • How do you describe your continuing emotions about the situation and the other person?
  • If you moved on, with what feelings would you like to replace the current ones?
  • You might not be ready to move on or even want to. If that’s the case, why do you think that is?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
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Telling the Truth in Conflict

Posted on October 24, 2017 by Cinnie Noble

Leo Tolstoy said in Tolstoy’s Diaries:

“The truth is obtained like gold, not by letting it grow bigger, but by washing off from it everything that isn’t gold.”

One of the reasons I like this quote, when applied to conflict, is that I think it goes to the reality that we are not always totally honest when we relate our conflict stories to others. We might convey what we wished we said (rather than what we said), we may leave out how we communicated, and we might exaggerate or otherwise distort what the other person said. We often relate our stories on interpretations, or assumptions we are making, or for self-serving motives such as to get the listener’s support to blame the other person, or due to shame or guilt and other reasons.

These and other ways we remember and discuss our conflict stories are indicators of, among other things, the complex dynamics of conflict and their impact on us. However, getting to the truth by washing off everything that isn’t gold – gold being the real essence of the conflict – is the theme of this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog. See if these questions help you get to the gold about a conflict you were or are involved in.

  • What is the truth, as you perceive it, of what the other person said or did in the conflict? What is the truth about what you said or did, as you perceive it?
  • What, if anything, may you be leaving out that you said or did because you are embarrassed about it or are otherwise reluctant to share what it was?
  • What, if you haven’t mentioned it, may you be leaving out about your attitude, tone of voice and body language during the conflict?
  • What might be the other person’s version be of what happened between you?
  • What truth may she or he be embarrassed about repeating?
  • What might the other person’s truth be about the conflict and where she or he was coming from that you haven’t considered yet?
  • What is the real difference between your respective versions?
  • What is the gold – the gem – you didn’t identify during the conflict that is likely the real crux of the dissension?
  • What does the other person not really know – yet – about your truth and where you were coming from in the conflict?
  • If everything was washed away from the conflict for both of you, what truth might you share?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
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Listening Through

Posted on October 17, 2017 by Cinnie Noble

Two wonderful friends and colleagues of mine, Kate Sharpe and Jeanie Nishimura, wrote a terrific book last year entitled When Mentoring Meets Coaching: Shifting the Stance in Education (2016, Pearson Canada Inc., Toronto, Canada). The authors provide a great resource in this text that supports readers to move from theory to practice and by enhancing mentoring with coaching skills.

One of the skills Kate and Jeanie talk about is listening, which is typically discussed whenever we outline the competencies of many practitioners – coaches, mentors, consultants, mediators and so on. However, I am particularly fond of how these authors talk about the skill of listening in the expression they use – “listening through”.

The importance of listening at any time and certainly, when in conflict, cannot be overstated. Before conflict erupts, for instance, when it is evident to us that the other person is becoming provoked, it is the optimum time to step back and ask, “What’s happening for you?” and listen thoroughly to the crux of their irritation before responding. That is, it is not a time to think of what to say in reaction. Rather, it is a time to hear the other person through.

Similarly, when we begin to feel irritated it is an optimum time to hear ourselves through – internally or with a trusted friend or coach. Asking ourselves the same question, “What is happening for me?” is a simple query also aimed at getting underneath the matter from our perspective. This is just one of many questions to facilitate listening and the following list of Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) are additional ones to ask when you bring to mind a conflict that you sense has the potential for escalating.

  • Considering a sense you have that a conflict is brewing for the other person about something going on between you, what seems to be irritating her or him as far as you know or can tell?
  • If the other person shared her or his irritation with you (as you identified it), what is your reaction just thinking about it?
  • How might that reaction you are experiencing (stated above) get in the way of being able to listen attentively to her or him?
  • If you listened through what the person has to say, what are the possible things you might learn about what is important to her or him? What does that say about what she or he might need from you?
  • If your responses to the previous two questions open up some new reflections, what are they?
  • How might the above reflections help the two of you move forward?
  • If applicable, what is irritating you that the other person is saying or doing?
  • What does your answer to the above question say about what you need from her or him?
  • As you listen through where you are coming from, too, what do you want the other person to know (that she or he might not) that is important to you?
  • What do you think you could ask the other person to feel fully heard? How might you let her or him know you are listening?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Listening | Leave a comment