There’s a quote I really like by Richard Bach. It reads:

“Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they’re yours.”

I think this statement applies to any limitations we place on ourselves. That is, when we are convinced we are unable to be or do something – so it is. Self-limiting beliefs might sound like: “I’m not skilled enough to do that…”; “I am weak when it comes to…”; “I have no confidence about…”; and so on.

Reasons we identify certain things as limiting might be a matter of low self-esteem, history of being criticized, or even lack of motivation, laziness and other reasons. Essentially, we come to believe our self-professed limitations in whatever ways they began and they essentially preclude any efforts to disabuse ourselves of them.

When it comes to conflict, I often hear coaching clients and parties in mediations “argue their limitations”. This might sound something like: “I hate conflict. I’d rather avoid it”; “It’s easier to just give in”; “I have no idea how to settle things”; “It’s my fault, but I won’t apologize because…”; “If I knew how to resolve this I wouldn’t be here”; and so on.

Self-limiting beliefs in conflict restrict our thinking, our creativity, our ability to gain distance and to see beyond situations. They restrict hopefulness and optimism and the effort to try. Further, self-limiting beliefs get in the way of resolving and reconciling matters.

If you have self-limiting beliefs about yourself in a conflict situation, please consider these questions:

• What is the situation?
• What self-limiting beliefs, if any, do you have about the situation?
• What self-limiting beliefs, if any, do you have about yourself in this situation?
• What self-limiting beliefs, if any, do you have about your relationship with the other person?
• What are you gaining from your beliefs referred to in the last 3 questions? What are you losing from these beliefs?
• From where do your self-limiting beliefs come?
• How real is each self-limiting belief you named on a scale of 1-10 as absolutely true descriptions of yourself (10 on the scale reflects absolutely true)?
• What do you prefer to believe about yourself regarding each self-limiting belief you named?
• What will it take for you to believe your preferred belief?
• If you lived your preferred beliefs, what would be different in the conflict you described (first question)? How would your life otherwise be different?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

I like this quote by Doris Lessing from The Golden Notebook:

“There’s only one real sin, and that is to persuade oneself that the second-best is anything but the second-best.”

Many of us consider doing our second best in situations as sufficient. Maybe this is because we didn’t feel our best at the time and excuse our behaviour because it seems to be the best we could bring to it. Other reasons may have to do with low self-esteem, insufficient tools, lack of support and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog suggests that we have a choice to bring our best self – not our second best self – to our conflict situations. What follows then, are some reflective questions to consider before a conflict arises – when you sense one is imminent – to be able to bring your best self to it.

• What is going on for you that gives you the sense that a conflict is imminent?
• What is going on that gives you the sense that the other person might be sharing the same sense, if that’s the case?
• What specifically is being triggered inside you?
• What might you be saying or doing to provoke the other person?
• How do you describe the best version of the you that you want to bring to this dispute?
• By bringing that best version (that you just described), what do you have to do to shift your attitude about the conflict?
• By bringing that best version (that you just described), what do you have to do to shift your attitude about the other person?
• By bringing that best version (that you just described), what do you have to do to shift your attitude about yourself?
• How is the best version of yourself different from the second best version of you?
• How is the best version of you someone you feel humbled and honoured to be?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

The confusion and internal chaos that conflict can, at times, wreak on us accounts, in part, for the desire to move past it and get over it as soon as possible. Often we also want the other person to do so. On the other hand, there are times we might find we are disappointed when she or he moves on too soon.

We vary in our post-conflict reactions and these reactions differ for many reasons. They may depend on factors such as who the other person is, the situation, the degree of hurt we or they experience, our contribution, the outcome and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog is an opportunity to consider your sensibilities post-conflict about a specific situation that you are having trouble moving on from.

• What was the situation?
• What seems to be making it challenging for you to move on?
• What specifically are you holding onto?
• What remains most unresolved for you about that (your answer to the previous question)?
• What would it take for you to be able to move on?
• How likely is that to happen (your answer to the previous question)?
• If you moved on, what would you miss most that seems to be something you are holding onto?
• How do you describe your continuing emotions about the situation and the other person?
• If you moved on, with what feelings would you like to replace the current ones?
• You might not be ready to move on or even want to. If that’s the case, why do you think that is?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

Leo Tolstoy said in Tolstoy’s Diaries:

“The truth is obtained like gold, not by letting it grow bigger, but by washing off from it everything that isn’t gold.”

One of the reasons I like this quote, when applied to conflict, is that I think it goes to the reality that we are not always totally honest when we relate our conflict stories to others. We might convey what we wished we said (rather than what we said), we may leave out how we communicated, and we might exaggerate or otherwise distort what the other person said. We often relate our stories on interpretations, or assumptions we are making, or for self-serving motives such as to get the listener’s support to blame the other person, or due to shame or guilt and other reasons.

These and other ways we remember and discuss our conflict stories are indicators of, among other things, the complex dynamics of conflict and their impact on us. However, getting to the truth by washing off everything that isn’t gold – gold being the real essence of the conflict – is the theme of this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog. See if these questions help you get to the gold about a conflict you were or are involved in.

• What is the truth, as you perceive it, of what the other person said or did in the conflict? What is the truth about what you said or did, as you perceive it?
• What, if anything, may you be leaving out that you said or did because you are embarrassed about it or are otherwise reluctant to share what it was?
• What, if you haven’t mentioned it, may you be leaving out about your attitude, tone of voice and body language during the conflict?
• What might be the other person’s version be of what happened between you?
• What truth may she or he be embarrassed about repeating?
• What might the other person’s truth be about the conflict and where she or he was coming from that you haven’t considered yet?
• What is the real difference between your respective versions?
• What is the gold – the gem – you didn’t identify during the conflict that is likely the real crux of the dissension?
• What does the other person not really know – yet – about your truth and where you were coming from in the conflict?
• If everything was washed away from the conflict for both of you, what truth might you share?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?