For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular a couple of years ago. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted July 19, 2016):

The story in the song The Gambler – most famously sung by American country music singer Kenny Rogers – is about two people on a train “bound for nowhere”. One of the people is a gambler who perceives the other person he meets is down on his luck (“out of aces”). The gambler offers up advice if the person will give him his last swallow of whiskey. (The Wikipedia description of this encounter refers to the male gender but presumably it need not be.)

After the gambler takes the drink he gives this advice:

“You’ve got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em,
Know when to walk away, know when to run.
You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table,
There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done.”

The gambler then mentions that the “secret to survivin’ is knowing what to throw away, and knowing what to keep”.

According to Wikipedia, some believe the song is not simply useful advice and tips on gambling, but in fact a wider “metaphor” for life itself, with the “cards” which the gambler plays signifying the choices we make in our lives. However, there is no line in the song which proves this theory.

The Gambler is a catchy song and even as we “speak” I can’t help but hum the tune. And it seems to me the gambler’s advice is indeed a metaphor applicable to other of life’s circumstances, including conflict. That is, whether before, during or after conflict, we have choices about how to manage the situation. We can hold onto our positions; we can concede to the other; we can collaborate or compromise; we can walk away with our heads held high; we can walk away in anger; we can resolve things amicably; or we can let things fester. The list of our choices is endless, and the following questions are good ones to consider if you are wondering what to do about a specific dispute.

• What is the dispute about?
• What is your position that you are holding onto on how you want things resolved?
• What makes that position particularly important to hold onto?
• If you hold onto your position, what are the possible outcomes?
• What other options for resolution might there be that may be acceptable to you?
• How might those options – referred to in the previous question – work for the other person?
• If you were to “fold ‘em” in this conflict, what does that mean to you?
• In what ways may folding your position actually be a positive choice? How would you know when to “fold ‘em” to make it positive?
• How is “folding ‘em” a negative choice?
• What choices might work for both of you? If you don’t want a mutually acceptable choice how will you proceed?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular a couple of years ago. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted May 3, 2016):

The idiom “to blow your top” has been defined in various ways, such as “to become enraged; lose one’s temper”. One other source says this about the expression:

“‘Blow your top’ is a colorful idiomatic expression that is used to indicate that an individual is extremely upset and is about to or has already lost his or her temper. The imagery connected with losing the temper focuses on the vision of the top of someone’s head actually coming off, due to the buildup of the internal pressure caused by the anger. Typically, the term is reserved for use when a particular event or subject inspires very deep negative feelings, making it more difficult to remain composed and logical in terms of how the situation is approached.

Unlike some other idioms that are used in present tense only, it is not unusual for “blow your top” to be also used about something that may happen in the very near future. For example, someone may attempt to calm someone down who is obviously about to lose his or her temper by encouraging them to step away before ‘you blow your top.’ In this use of the saying, the idea is to prevent what would likely be a very negative event from taking place by urging some temporary distance from the issue that is causing so much distress.”

This week’s blog explores the phrase “blowing your top” by inviting you to answer the reflective questions if you tend to “blow your top” or would use this idiom to describe someone you have observed in a conflict with you.

• When you consider a situation in which it could be said you “blew your top”, what was happening to incite you?
• How might you describe your reaction that might be described as “blowing your top”?
• What did that feel like to you (your answer to the previous question)?
• How did the other person react to you?
• How would she or he describe you when you “blew your top”?
• When your top blew off, what did you lose? What stayed on?
• When you have been on the receiving end of someone blowing their top, what resulted in that, from what you know or observed? How did you experience the other person “blowing her or his top”?
• What blew off? What stayed on?
• What makes the imagery in the expression “blow your top” especially relevant to what happened for you? What makes it especially relevant to what happened to the other person in the situation you experienced or observed?
• What has occurred to you about the idiom “blow your top” that you hadn’t considered before you answered these questions?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular a couple of years ago. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted March 1, 2016):

Sometimes, when involved in an interpersonal conflict, we find ourselves “up against a wall”. This expression means we feel we have no choice about an issue, except to give in, or that we feel stuck about how to manage things. One definition (from Dictionary.com) of this metaphor is: “in a crucial or critical position, especially one in which defeat or failure seems imminent”.

Such situations are very challenging and this idiom paints a picture of something stronger and bigger than us getting in our way of proceeding.

If you have a conflict situation in which you are feeling “up against a wall”, consider the following questions for this week’s blog and how you might help diminish the wall’s power.

• What is the dispute about?
• What is the wall that you are experiencing?
• What makes that wall especially challenging?
• What might the wall reflect in a metaphorical sense (such as what does it represent, i.e. an emotion, wish, fear, expectation, value, etc.)?
• With what may you be holding up the metaphorical wall – contributing to its existence?
• How else may you be supporting the wall?
• What do you think it would take for you to knock over the wall? What all would that entail?
• What’s the worst case scenario you can imagine if you knocked over the wall?
• What is the best case scenario if you knocked over the wall?
• What learning here likely applies to other situations in which you perceive yourself to be “up against a wall”?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?