For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular last year. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted October 31, 2017):

The confusion and internal chaos that conflict can, at times, wreak on us accounts, in part, for the desire to move past it and get over it as soon as possible. Often we also want the other person to do so. On the other hand, there are times we might find we are disappointed when she or he moves on too soon.

We vary in our post-conflict reactions and these reactions differ for many reasons. They may depend on factors such as who the other person is, the situation, the degree of hurt we or they experience, our contribution, the outcome and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog is an opportunity to consider your sensibilities post-conflict about a specific situation that you are having trouble moving on from.

• What was the situation?
• What seems to be making it challenging for you to move on?
• What specifically are you holding onto?
• What remains most unresolved for you about that (your answer to the previous question)?
• What would it take for you to be able to move on?
• How likely is that to happen (your answer to the previous question)?
• If you moved on, what would you miss most that seems to be something you are holding onto?
• How do you describe your continuing emotions about the situation and the other person?
• If you moved on, with what feelings would you like to replace the current ones?
• You might not be ready to move on or even want to. If that’s the case, why do you think that is?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular last year. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted July 4, 2017):

One of the reasons conflict sometimes evolves is because we aren’t aware of the reasons someone is upset with us. In these cases, by the time we are told about the situation by the person who feels aggrieved by something we said or did the dynamic between us has become increasingly tense. Our lack of knowing how we caused offence adds to our unsettled feelings. This sort of scenario also gives us a sense of helplessness.

Had we known about the other person’s perspective and experience about us things may not have gone on so far and become as difficult. That is, though we might not have liked what the other person told us, we may have been able to “nip things in the bud” and address matters earlier – before feelings escalated.

These are tough situations and it’s difficult at these times to make sense of why the other person didn’t let us know what we did or what we could have done differently. Perhaps they are afraid to share the problem as they see it; maybe they think things will change without saying anything; or they don’t want to risk offending us. These and other reasons may account for not sharing their views and needs, though not knowing does not provide us with the tools or strategies to know how to respond.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a conflict situation in which you wished you had known earlier what was ailing the other person before things evolved.

• What is the situation?
• What didn’t you know that you wished you had?
• What impact did not knowing have on you?
• What do you suppose precluded the other person from sharing this with you?
• If you had known, what would you have done differently?
• What difference would that have made to the relationship?
• What difference would that have made to the issues in dispute?
• When you have held back telling another person something to which they may react poorly, why did you do so?
• What difference might it have made to what evolved?
• What’s the learning here?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular last year. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted June 6, 2017):

It often seems that we carry a heaviness in ourselves – our hearts, our heads, our whole beings – when we are in conflict with another person. The intensity varies depending on the person, the situation, what was said, how it was said, and any number of other variables that influence the nature and amount of weight we continue to carry. This may be the case whether or not the conflict issues were resolved.

Even though we have trouble shedding the hold the conflict has had on us, we might try to resume the relationship anyway. Other times we ignore the other person, or act as if everything is okay though it isn’t. In any case, there is frequently an underlying hope that things will just get better and the angst will pass. It doesn’t always though.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a conflict about which you are carrying a weight.

• What is the situation?
• How would you describe the heaviness you are carrying?
• Where are you carrying it?
• How much would you say the heaviness weighs (in pounds, grams)?
• What does the weight feel like?
• If you were to throw out something that is especially heavy and useless to carry, what would be the first thing you would toss?
• What makes that useless (your answer to the previous question)?
• If you threw that heavy weight out, what weight would you be left with (in pounds, grams)?
• What are your unspoken hopes about the conflict?
• How might you make that happen (your answer to the previous question)?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?