For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular last year. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted January 17, 2017):

You have likely heard the expression “Say what you mean and mean what you say” and there are a number of references to its derivation. One of them may be found in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland:

The Hatter opened his eyes very wide on hearing this; but all he said was, “Why is a raven like a writing-desk?”
“Come, we shall have some fun now!” thought Alice. “I’m glad they’ve begun asking riddles. — I believe I can guess that,” she added aloud.
“Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?” said the March Hare.
“Exactly so,” said Alice.
“Then you should say what you mean,” the March Hare went on.
“I do,” Alice hastily replied; “at least–at least I mean what I say–that’s the same thing, you know.”
“Not the same thing a bit!” said the Hatter. “You might just as well say that ‘I see what I eat’ is the same thing as ‘I eat what I see’!”
“You might just as well say,” added the March Hare, “that ‘I like what I get’ is the same thing as ‘I get what I like’!”
“You might just as well say,” added the Dormouse, who seemed to be talking in his sleep, “that ‘I breathe when I sleep’ is the same thing as ‘I sleep when I breathe’!”

Another is from Dr. Seuss’ Horton Hatches the Egg:

I meant what I said,
and I said what I meant
An elephant’s faithful,
One hundred percent.

The words “say what you mean and mean what you say” arise in various occasions in our communications. And when it comes to conflict they have, in my experience, come up when someone perceives another person is not being direct or honest about what she or he has to say. Or, she or he is perceived as misaligning words and actions. Or, the speaker’s words might appear dissonant to the listener. Or, it may even be an admonishment by someone who is urging another to just say what’s on their mind.

There are many reasons why we may not always say what we mean and mean what we say. Fear of offending or of reprisal, confusion, a way to test an idea, politeness combined with an accommodating style and so on. In any case, conflict can result when communications are not altogether clear or due to the apparent mismatching of message and intent.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider a time you have not said what you meant and meant what you said.

• What is the situation?
• What did you say that wasn’t what you meant?
• What did you mean?
• What kept you from expressing that (your answer to the previous question)?
• What was the other person’s perception, as far as you know?
• How did it feel – not saying what you meant and meaning what you said?
• How did it work for you?
• How did it work against your hopes?
• On a scale of 1-10, 1 being not at all and 10 being a great deal, how would you rate your desire to have conveyed your message with the intended meaning?
• What would it have taken for you to say what you meant and be perceived as meaning what you said – if your score for the previous question was more than 1?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular last year. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted January 10, 2017):

We may not think the word ‘necessary’ is one that would qualify the word ‘conflict’. However, especially in our interdependent relationships, the importance of raising issues that are important to us – even if they conflict with the other person’s perspective – cannot be overstated. It is, after all, how we discover one another’s values, interests, needs, hopes, expectations and beliefs. If we want our relationships to thrive, sharing these integral parts of who we are is necessary. Otherwise, among other things, our knowledge of and connection to each other is limited and superficial.

All of what I’ve said so far likely makes sense, at least in theory. Even though we accept the above premise, it is often the nature of the delivery of our messages, our receipt of the other person’s, and our response to them that results in high levels of friction and emotions – leaving us questioning the necessity of the conflict. That is, anything necessary to be learned about one another and ourselves in our relationship can be easily missed if we don’t step back early on and consider what we are hearing, what the other person wants us to hear, and what we want the other person to hear about what is important to us.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider a dispute with someone that seemed unnecessary and remains unresolved.

• What is the dispute about?
• What is unnecessary about it, in your view?
• What remains unresolved for you? What might remain unresolved for her or him?
• To what did you specifically react that the other person said or did? How did you react?
• What important need, value, hope, etc. of yours do you think the other person didn’t hear?
• To what did the other person specifically react that you said or did? How did she or he react?
• What important need, value, hope, etc. might she or he have been expressing within her or his reaction?
• What else might you think is necessary for the other person to realize about you and what upset you?
• What else might be necessary for the other person – that she or he wants you to realize about what upset her or him?
• On reflection here, what was necessary about the conflict?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular last year. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted November 28, 2017):

As a kid, I remember using the phrase “mind your own beeswax” – instead of mind your own business – as a reaction to others who were being nosy. When I recently looked up this phrase I found several things, including:

“Since ‘mind their own business’ sounds harsh, if not impolite, the close-sounding word ‘beeswax’ was substituted. Those to whom the remark was directed might still get their noses out of joint, but somewhat less so than if the word had been ‘business’.”

“An interesting, although fanciful, piece of folk etymology tells us that American colonial women stood over a kettle and stirred wax to make candles. If they didn’t pay attention, the wax or fire might burn their hair and clothing. Someone who let her concentration wander would be reminded to ‘mind your own beeswax’.”

Another meaning According to Honeybee: Lessons from an Accidental Beekeeper (2009) by C. Marina Marchese is that “the expression might have its origins in the time when people sealed their letters with beeswax so no one could read them.”

Though there may be other theories, the relevant point for this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog is that some of us become irritated when we experience others are “minding our business”, leading to a conflict. Generally, we might not care when some people inquire after and about us. However, there are times when it feels invasive and intrusive to be asked things about what we are doing and why. Or, it may be when we find out someone is asking others about us. Perhaps it’s when, or additionally, the inquirer is someone who we believe has no right or reason to know things about us.

If you have a situation that has led to conflict in which you have said directly or with your inner voice “mind your own beeswax or business”, this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog might be of interest.

• What occurred?
• What is it about your business that the other person is curious about that feels intrusive to you?
• Why might that be (your answer to the above question)?
• If you don’t know why the person is curious, how might you find out?
• What reason for the other person not minding her or his business might reduce your negative reaction?
• How might you describe the impact on you?
• What bothers you most about the person not minding her or his business?
• Why do you suppose that is – that it bothers you?
• What is it about the person, if you haven’t said so already, i.e. who it is, how she or he is asking, etc.?
• When you have been accused of not minding your own business – if you have – what inspired your curiosity? Why is that?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular last year. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted November 14, 2017):

I like this quote by Doris Lessing from The Golden Notebook:

“There’s only one real sin, and that is to persuade oneself that the second-best is anything but the second-best.”

Many of us consider doing our second best in situations as sufficient. Maybe this is because we didn’t feel our best at the time and excuse our behaviour because it seems to be the best we could bring to it. Other reasons may have to do with low self-esteem, insufficient tools, lack of support and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog suggests that we have a choice to bring our best self – not our second best self – to our conflict situations. What follows then, are some reflective questions to consider before a conflict arises – when you sense one is imminent – to be able to bring your best self to it.

• What is going on for you that gives you the sense that a conflict is imminent?
• What is going on that gives you the sense that the other person might be sharing the same sense, if that’s the case?
• What specifically is being triggered inside you?
• What might you be saying or doing to provoke the other person?
• How do you describe the best version of the you that you want to bring to this dispute?
• By bringing that best version (that you just described), what do you have to do to shift your attitude about the conflict?
• By bringing that best version (that you just described), what do you have to do to shift your attitude about the other person?
• By bringing that best version (that you just described), what do you have to do to shift your attitude about yourself?
• How is the best version of yourself different from the second best version of you?
• How is the best version of you someone you feel humbled and honoured to be?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?