There are times when I’ve found myself reacting poorly to something another person says or does and then, discover I misinterpreted their intent. This may have happened to you too and, like I have, end up realizing you have made a big deal out of something that didn’t warrant a negative attribution or reaction.

Why do we do this? I’m not sure. But I think there are times we expect something off-putting from the other person because of our history or unconscious bias. That is, our brains have become primed to interpret the other person’s actions in ways that support our assumptions. Another reason may be we feel guilty about something we ourselves said or did and act out as some sort of justification. These and other reasons might account for a tendency to misinterpret or mis-attribute the other person’s motives.

In this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog, the questions aim to deconstruct the journey taken in a conflict situation to see if another pathway opens up different, less malevolent perspectives.

• What specifically provokes you about the other person?
• What impact does that have on you?
• What reasons have you attributed to the other person for why she or he says or does that?
• What supports these assumptions about her or him from other experiences, people, etc.?
• If there are other possible reasons for the person’s deeds or words that are more positive, what might they be?
• If you have said or done something similar, what reasons have you done so?
• If your best friend said or did that, what reasons may you attribute to her or him for doing so? How would your reaction be the same? Different?
• What would make what the other person said or did not as bad as you initially thought?
• What reasons would you consider forgivable, understandable and feel less upset about?
• What difference would it make to your relationship with this person if you replaced the negative attributions with more positive ones?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching

What happens for some of us when we are embroiled in conflict is that we or the other person “lose face”. This expression essentially means being or feeling shamed or humiliated. However, the origin, according to The Phrase Finder reads as follows:

“‘Lose face’ began life in English as a translation of the Chinese phrase ‘tiu lien’. That phrase may also be expressed in English as ‘to suffer public disgrace’, that is, to be unable to show one’s face in public.”

Though it is not necessarily a matter of not wanting to show oneself in public, this notion of losing face can be devastating and have an adverse impact on those experiencing it.

Losing face can arise for any number of reasons and it typically leaves the person feeling ashamed, dejected, wronged, embarrassed, depressed, hopeless and other such negative emotions. As a consequence of losing face, people who feel shamed might withdraw, yield or walk away from a conflict feeling dissatisfied due to no resolution or the opportunity to assert their views sufficiently. They might also become emotional and combative – arguing relentlessly and becoming increasingly aggressive and defensive.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a time when you lost face in a conflict when answering the following questions:

• What was the situation?
• For what reasons did you lose face in that situation?
• What specifically did the other person say or do that contributed to your experience (if you didn’t answer this in the previous question)?
• What reasons do/did you attribute to her or him for saying or doing that (your answer to the previous question)?
• What was the impact on you in that experience (i.e. how did it feel)?
• How did you respond to the other person?
• What would someone see if looking at you when you lost face?
• What do you think you could have done differently, if anything, to prevent losing face?
• What might work to be able to gain back your face?
• What will be different on your face when you gain it back? What will you save when you regain your face?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching

To become conflict masterful, it requires us to step up. In case you are wondering, this is different from facing conflict, i.e. accepting that it exists. Stepping up is different, too, from being confrontational, combative and defending our position.

It is suggested in this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog that stepping up is about making an effort to understand the other person’s needs and owning our contribution or asking what it was if we don’t know. It’s about reaching out to resolve matters (or at least discuss them) and using the conflict as an opportunity to make things better between us and the other person.

Stepping up isn’t easy. In the heat of conflict, we are usually challenged to control our defensive reactions or remove ourselves from the blame game or hurt feelings. It requires us to reflect closely on ourselves, to regulate our emotions, and shift our brains from reaction to reflection before responding.

This week’s blog then, invites you to consider how to step up in ways that help reduce the tension and move the dispute into a conciliatory conversation. To do so, it is suggested that you bring to mind a dispute that already went off the rails or is currently doing so.

• What is the dispute about? What bothers you most about what the other person said or did?
• How would you describe the impact of the dispute on you? What is the impact on the other person from what you can observe or that you are otherwise aware of?
• How much would you like to rectify matters between you two, on a scale of 1-10 (10 being very much)?
• If less than 10 on the scale (above), what is the lower score about?
• If you were to step up, what would you want to accomplish by doing so?
• What might your first step be? How will you be taking this step?
• What would the next two steps be? How will you be taking these steps?
• What response from the other person do you want to be most prepared for?
• How will you ensure your responses are consistent with what you said you want to accomplish?
• What are you noticing in yourself as you contemplate stepping up?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching

In the midst of interpersonal conflict, it’s difficult to be kind to the other person – no matter how kind a person we may usually be. It is also difficult to be kind to ourselves. It’s understandable that when our equilibrium is off due to tension and the inability to get out of hurt, blame and defensiveness, that calling on our kindness is not a way of being that we can imagine, much less achieve.

In order to engage at these times, to effectively contribute to resolution, to move on, to retain our dignity, to be able to acknowledge our contribution to the tension, to apologize, to forgive, and to reduce the negativity, it helps to take a close look at kindness as a measurement of conflict mastery.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog suggests that there are ways to bring on our kind selves and hold onto that when we are offended. It’s not easy. Here are some reflective questions that might facilitate kindness when in conflict:

• When you are kind, in the usual course of life, what does kindness look like? What does it feel like?
• How do you think you are perceived by those on the receiving end of your kindness?
• When you are not at your kindest how do you interact?
• How are you perceived at these times (in response to the previous question)?
• What conflict situation comes to mind in which you know you were kind and perceived as such?
• What made kindness an easy and natural way for you to relate in that situation?
• Considering a dispute in which you were not kind to the other person, what was the main characteristic that came out that you are not proud of? In what way were you not kind to yourself in that situation?
• What stopped your kind self from interacting?
• If you were to have brought kindness to that dispute, what impact might this have had on the other person? What impact might your kindness have had on the conflict?
• What impact might your kindness have had on you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

 #conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching