“The bravest thing you can do is be unafraid to feel”
When we feel emotional about a conflict – hurt, anger, betrayal, disappointment, and so on – it is a clear sign that something important to us is being challenged or threatened or undermined. That might seem like an understatement. However, the importance of acknowledging what emotions we are experiencing and why cannot be overstated. That is, it’s important and brave to remain unafraid to feel what is going on for us at these times.
This is for many reasons, one of which is that when we step back – and identify the emotions and to what they relate – we gain a better understanding of what motivated our reactions and ongoing ruminations. Also, by taking some time and thinking things out a bit, we start to make a shift to reflection from reaction, which helps move us into a more productive mind set. That shift often facilitates the ability to gain a better perspective, including an understanding of what is motivating the other person. Or, at least, we might move into a better head space to be able to engage them in a conversation – rather than a confrontation – about what is going on between us.
This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider an interpersonal dispute about which you are aware you are feeling afraid to let yourself feel or name your emotions about the other person, the situation or yourself.
- What is the dispute about?
- What three words describe what you are feeling about the other person?
- What three words describe what you are feeling about yourself?
- What are you afraid of feeling?
- What are you afraid of saying to the other person?
- What is the brave thing to do about the situation?
- What is the brave thing to say?
- What is the brave thing to feel about yourself?
- If you were to feel what you are keeping inside, what do you fear might happen?
- If you were to express what you are feeling how might that help?
- What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
- What insights do you have?
(Popular- from the archives)
I found this picture to be so poignant. It made me think of how combustible interpersonal disputes can be – literally – and how the toxicity and negativity can spread so easily. And the spread is not just to the other person in the dispute. But, it is also to anyone who might be near, who might overhear the heated exchange, who might listen reluctantly or even with interest as the people in dispute convey what happened in their perceptions, or it might be anyone else who is otherwise impacted by the dispute.
When we’re in conflict with someone life can feel complicated and unrelated, troubling worries – about all sorts of things – might then pervade our thoughts and feelings. For instance, inner conflicts about decisions we have to make about our work, home-life, and relationships may become larger and out of whack as our unsettled feelings grow. We might spend a lot of time agonizing about what went wrong, what to do, or whether to do anything about the conflict. But, the remnants of that conflict that leak into other things going on in our lives also pervade and add to the angst. It seems, from my experience anyway, that I somehow build more layers of negative emotions about the other person in the conflict when I let other things in and add them to the pile. Self-limiting beliefs kick in and I tend to lose track of what’s important and what isn’t. This may happen to you too.