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When Silence is Golden

Posted on February 5, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

As with many proverbs, the origin of “silence is golden” is not definite. The first example of it in the English language was apparently from the poet Thomas Carlyle who translated the phrase from German in Sartor Resartus in 1831. In that translation, silence was compared to speech – “speech is silver, silence is golden”. In an effort to become masterful in managing conflict I thought it may be an idea to consider how this expression may apply.

Being present and listening to what the other person is saying goes a long way in any circumstance. It is especially critical when we are in conflict. This is for many reasons, not the least of which is experiencing the value of curiosity and the possibility of learning something we don’t know. That is, though we may not always like what we hear, remaining silent as the other person talks through her or his views helps us to gain clarity on assumptions we are making and to gain perspectives we may not have. Silence is golden at these times.

This is not to say ‘do not talk’. It does however, suggest listening to where the other person is coming from before speaking, judging, casting aspersions, or operating primarily on what we perceive but do not know for sure. Likewise when we silently listen and demonstrate we are open to hearing and understanding, we model an approach that acknowledges the other person has something important to say and inherently requests to be heard for what we too have to offer.

When is silence not golden, you may ask? When it is used as a way to ignore, avoid, dismiss, or put down the other person. The ‘silent treatment’, as it has been referred to, can create negative reactions and does not serve a positive purpose when it comes to conflict.

When answering the questions for this week’s blog, consider a conflict in which silence may have been a preferable choice to what you said during a conflict:

  • What did you say that you would like to take back?
  • What specifically did you say that you observed the other person react to?
  • How do you describe her or his reaction?
  • How may being silent have been more beneficial?
  • What was the challenge for you about using silence – instead of speaking?
  • When others are silent while you talk, how does that impact you?
  • How may you end this sentence – “When I am silent I fear…”?
  • And how may you finish this sentence – “When I am silent I feel as though…”?
  • When you are being conflict masterful, what do you think talking achieves that silence doesn’t?
  • When you are being conflict masterful, what do you think silence achieves that talking doesn’t?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Listening, Reactions | 4 Comments

Mending Fences

Posted on January 29, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

Some research on the expression “mending fences” indicates that the derivation is from the proverb “Good fences make good neighbours”. It is apparently listed by the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations as a mid-17th century idiom. My source states that Robert Frost gave the proverb a boost in his 1914 poem “Mending Walls” when he used the above expression to essentially mean rebuilding previously good relationships. There was a slight aberration in the late 1800’s when mending fences came to mean ‘looking after your own interests’. In the 20th century the original meaning resumed.

I have been wondering about this metaphor – mending fences – and that the visual of a fence being mended, when it comes to conflict, could have multiple meanings. If the mending of a conflict situation is done half-heartedly, in haste, to ensure something doesn’t get in or out, or with ‘tools’ or ‘materials’ that could break easily, the success of any efforts to re-establish something durable and viable is likely to be short-lived.

On the other hand, efforts that come with the intention to strengthen what was lost, to create an enduring bond, to be well-fortified, and to able to withstand harsh times results in a more constructive and solid fence-mending.

It is suggested that both scenarios apply to how we mend conflicts. For this week’s blog, please consider a dispute about which you would like to mend fences – in a lasting way:

  • What does the metaphor mending fences mean to you regarding the dispute you have in mind?
  • What part(s) do you want to mend most?
  • Why is your answer to the above question especially important to you?
  • When the fences are mended between you, what do you want to feel like about the other person that you do not feel now?
  • What do you want the other person to feel about you?
  • When the fence is mended how do you want your relationship to be?
  • How may the other person describe fence-mending that is different from your description?
  • What may be the same?
  • What do you want to ensure does not happen in the mending process?
  • What connector tools will you use to ensure the fence is mended well and in a lasting way?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Metaphors | 4 Comments

The Conflict Iceberg

Posted on January 22, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

The metaphor of an iceberg has commonly been used as a metaphor about conflict. This is on the basis that there are things above the surface that show themselves and then, there is all that is going on underneath. Compared to conflict, some things are obvious to the disputants (and often others) that reflect the dynamic between them, the issues in dispute, and other aspects of the existing dissension. These are above the water ‘line’.

Below the water line is much more. There are hopes, expectations, emotions, needs, values, beliefs, and other deeply held views and feelings. Our individual and collective histories that we bring to the issues in dispute are in the mass below the surface, too. While, for all intents and purposes, this underlying mass appears to be unnoticed or remains unspoken, it has an enormous impact on the interaction. Indeed, it is an integral part of the conflict and who we are within it, within ourselves, and within the relationship.

Yes, some things may be best left unexplored or untouched. However, without increased self-discovery of what is below the surface, we miss the opportunity to better understand and reconcile our motivations and expectations. And to consider what ought to be shared and discussed, and what needs to remain dormant to reach the optimum outcome.

For these ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions), consider a conflict in which you see or feel that only the tip of the iceberg is showing itself.

  • What about the conflict do you think is fully evident to you and the other person?
  • What lies beneath that is evident for you but is not likely evident to the other person?
  • What concerns you that may be going on for the other person that is not evident to you?
  • What outcome do you want?
  • Why is that outcome important to you?
  • What do you want to leave below the surface?
  • How will that help you reach the outcome you want?
  • What is there to be gained for the other person if you leave that below the surface?
  • What may the other person want to leave below the surface? Why do you suppose?
  • Thinking about all this now, what needs to come to the surface to reach the optimum outcome – even though it may be challenging for you and/or the other person?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Consequences, Emotions in Conflict, Facing Conflict | 8 Comments

“Don’t get your panties in a knot”

Posted on January 15, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

I smile when I hear the expression “Don’t get your panties in a knot” and another variation like “Don’t get your knickers in a knot”. My brief research to discover the meaning yielded only that it originated from “some silliness” on The Basil Brush Show – a British television program in the 60’s. The general meaning appears to be about telling people to not get excited or upset by something. It is common when some people are in conflict, for instance, to try to ‘shush’ the other person – to stop them from expressing their emotions or otherwise reacting to us or the situation.

For me, such an expression, or others like “calm down” and “just settle down” or body language that is meant to hush someone who is visibly upset, creates tension rather than prevents it. What may be meant as a well-intended gesture or remark can easily be misinterpreted and assumed to be patronizing. Such comments or demonstrations may even perpetuate negative reactions, being experienced also as dismissive. For many it feels like a way to shut down the conversation and not take seriously what is being said or felt.

For this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog, consider a time when you tried to calm someone down (with whom you were in conflict) or when someone said something to you that appeared to have the same intent.

  • What did you say or do in an effort to calm down someone who was upset?
  • What was your intention when you did so?
  • What exactly was it that you wanted to calm down or stop?
  • Why did you find it important or necessary to do so?
  • How did the other person respond to your efforts?
  • How may she or he have interpreted your efforts that may not be what you intended?
  • What other ways may you have responded?
  • When others have tried to calm you down, what have they said or done that has irritated you?
  • Why do those particular words, gestures, etc. provoke you?
  • What would be more effective ways for someone to respond to you rather than trying to hush you?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Emotions in Conflict, Reactions | 2 Comments

Nip it in the bud

Posted on January 8, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

The phrase “nip it in the bud” is apparently derived from the de-budding of plants. The earlier form of the phrase was “nip in the bloome [sic]” and was cited in a romantic piece by Henry Chettle in 1595. It seems a sad origin, thinking of a flowering romance being nipped and prevented from blossoming. On the other hand, nipping of flower buds can facilitate repeat growth.

If we apply this notion of nipping it in the bud to conflict and consider firstly that it is a good thing to let conflict bloom, it raises the possibility that, if allowed to surface, important feelings and thoughts may be expressed that would help the relationship and situation rather than hinder it. If presented and received in the spirit of acknowledging and not undermining our differences, we would say and hear things that are meaningful to us both. Ultimately, this has the potential for strengthening bonds that are based on mutual understanding.

It also is helpful to consider under what circumstances nipping things in the bud is a positive move because it precludes destructive results. For instance, it could be that there is nothing to be gained when the damage done in the conflict is irreparable or further discord and hurt may result from prolonging the tension. For these and other reasons it may not make sense to chance the evolution or perhaps, it is the evilution of conflict. At the same time, it is important to consider if facing some negative results is necessary and may in the end, yield a positive outcome.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog invites you, when answering the following questions, to consider an interaction that you are not sure whether to nip in the bud:

  • What is the situation and which way are you leaning – to nip it or not nip it in the bud?
  • What are the reasons for the above answer?
  • What would nipping it in the bud achieve for you?
  • What would nipping it in the bud achieve for the other person?
  • What sort of action would nip it in the bud?
  • What are the risks of taking that action?
  • If you nip the conflict in the bud, what would remain as an unknown for you?
  • How important is it for knowing that on a scale of 1-5, 5 being very important?
  • What may go unknown for the other person about you or the situation if you nip the conflict in the bud?
  • How important may that be to him or her on a scale of 1-5, 5 being very important?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Metaphors, Positive Conflict | 7 Comments