I have been thinking about when I hear someone explaining their rationale for saying or doing something that has upset or provoked me or another person. I realize that at times it sounds like an excuse and at other times it sounds like a reason. You may ask what difference does it make?

Providing reasons or excuses in our conflict interactions often seem to arise during the course of a dispute or after it is over. At these times, we – or the other person – may give a reason or excuse as a way of defending what was said or done (see the previous blog on Justify or Just-Iffy). Our reactions when on the receiving end of reasons or excuses reflect how they are experienced – as one or the other. Accordingly, conflict may be further exacerbated, or things may be clarified and have a calming influence.

Among other things, it helps to consider what the intent is behind providing either reasons or excuses in any given situation. We may do either because we know what was said or done is being questioned and we are either responding (with reasons) or reacting (with excuses). That is, it seems to me that giving reasons may be considered more like a response to the other person’s perceived curiosity – a non-defensive answer that is based on the view that our actions will be easily understandable. Whereas, we use the term making excuses which implies an effort to fabricate an explanation as a defence to the other person challenging our actions.

I think too that it is important to consider the nature and degree of emotion that may be underneath either. Reasons are more often stated by way of clarifying and explaining ourselves. If acceptable to the receiver, her or his response reflects that. If our reasons are not acceptable they may end up sounding like excuses. Whereas it seems excuses are an effort to be and be seen as ‘right’ and are often conveyed with a negative edge to it. The receiver tends to feel and rise to the emotion behind what is said and defends her or his viewpoints too.

To examine your own approach in a recent dispute in which you found yourself giving reasons or excuses, here are this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions).

• What was the nature of the discussion that resulted in you giving reasons or excuses?
• Which do you think you were providing – reasons or excuses?
• For what reasons is that (your answer to the previous question)?
• How may the other person have answered the question above (whether she or he heard you provide excuses or reasons)?
• For what reasons may she or he say that?
• If the other person became defensive, why was that do you think? What may she or he have been defending?
• If you became defensive in response to the other person’s reaction, why was that? What were you defending?
• How else did you experience the other person’s response to you when you gave either excuses or reasons?
• When someone with whom you were in a specific conflict reacted with excuses about something she or he did, why was that do you think? When someone in another conflict reacted with reasons to something you questioned, what was different?
• If you generally prefer to sound like you are providing reasons as opposed to making excuses, what may you say or do to facilitate that?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

We know that conflict has the potential for bringing out negativity in us when we are in dispute with another person. What form and shape that takes varies, of course, and depends in large part on our individual ways of coping, the circumstances, who the other person is, and the history with her or him. Negativity that erupts in any case seems to increase as we become more and more entrenched and the certainty about our rightness and the other person’s wrongness prevails. We may be careless with her or his feelings and care less about what happens. At least, that is how interactions saturated with anger and other emotions may be perceived.

Exploring ‘careless’ a little further, we often think of being careless as sloppy, non-attentive, and unthinking. Several definitions from www.thefreedictionary.com are: 1) Taking insufficient care; negligent; 2) Marked by or resulting from lack of forethought or thoroughness; 3) Showing a lack of consideration; and 4) Unconcerned or indifferent; heedless.

By the same token, I think ‘care less’ (as two words) denotes a similar though more emotional meaning. That is, it is typical that our caring about the other person and the relationship appears to decrease as our disparate views dominate and the interaction deteriorates into harsh words, or no words. We may care less about what we say and how we say it. We may ignore the other person. We may even care less about our dignity and self-respect when we choose to communicate and act in mean-spirited ways – though we may not be aware that our words and actions reflect on us in this way.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog invites readers to examine your carelessness and care lessness in a dispute that is currently underway.

• Thinking about a specific conflict, in what ways are you being careless?
• What does it feel like to be careless in the ways you describe?
• What is motivating your carelessness?
• In what ways does the notion of care less also apply to you and/or your reactions in the conflict?
• What is motivating that?
• If you were to be careful instead of careless, what would that look like?
• What would that feel like to be careful in those ways?
• What difference may it make to the relationship if you were careful in the ways you just described?
• What difference may it make regarding the issues in dispute if you were careful in the ways you described?
• As you think about it here, what do you care about most right now in relation to this conflict?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?