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Hair Trigger Temper

Posted on October 28, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

You may have heard the phrase hair trigger temper referring to someone who reacts strongly when angry. As an adjective hair trigger has been described to mean “easily activated or set off; reacting immediately to the slightest provocation or cause”.

As a noun hair trigger refers to “a trigger that allows the firing mechanism of a firearm to be operated by very slight pressure”. According to www.dictionary.com the origin dates back to 1830 and a reference to a secondary trigger in a firearm which sprung free a mechanism which, when set, allowed the main trigger to be released by very slight force. The figurative term reportedly began to be used by 1841.

This topic, as it relates to conflict, reminds me of a recent ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog on Walking on Eggshells, as I think we tend to proceed cautiously and carefully around people who we fear have a hair trigger temper. As in the discussion on the previous blog, we tend to give a lot of power to the person who demonstrates anger dramatically. What is more, the apparent lack of impulse control and ability to regulate emotions demonstrated by hair trigger responses are off-putting and fear-provoking for many of us.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog explores the expression hair trigger temper and if you have been known as having this, or react to someone who does, see if these questions work for you.

  • If you have been known to have a hair trigger temper, under what circumstances does that occur?
  • What is it about those circumstances that leads to your strong reaction?
  • How do you describe your reaction?
  • How does your reaction affect others?
  • How does being reactive in this way work for you? How does it not work for you?
  • When others demonstrate a hair trigger temper how does that affect you?
  • What power do you think you give people who react that way?
  • Thinking about a situation when the other person had a hair trigger temper, what did you want to say that you did not?
  • What compassion, if any, did you feel for the other person? What did you feel for yourself?
  • In general, how would you prefer to respond when you are around people with hair trigger tempers?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Emotions in Conflict | Leave a comment

Expectations and Conflict

Posted on October 21, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

One of the things that can lead to conflict has to do with unmet expectations. For instance, we had hoped that another person would have said or done something that reflects their care and concern for us; they excluded us from a gathering or decision; they had something we wanted and knew it was important to us; or they didn’t provide their support or were unreliable about a matter. These and other examples of having expectations work both ways, of course, and we could have let someone else down in some way too – resulting in conflict.

I don’t think it is easy to identify our expectations until we realize they have not been met. When we experience hurt and disappointment at these times what we needed from the other person often becomes clearer but the feelings we have about what occurred can be pervasive and challenging to manage when conflict evolves.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider unmet expectations in a conflict in your life.

  • As you consider a current or past conflict, what do you think led to its evolution?
  • What may the other person answer to this same question?
  • What specific expectations did you have of the other person prior to the conflict that if she or he met them things would not have turned problematic?
  • What have you told the other person about those expectations (your answer to the previous question)?
  • What might her or his expectations have been of you prior to things evolving?
  • What, if anything, did the other person share with you before the conflict evolved regarding her or his expectations?
  • What was the outcome of the conflict?
  • What are your expectations, if any, of the person since the conflict? What else is unresolved for you, if anything?
  • What may the other person’s expectations be of you since the conflict, if any? What might be unresolved for her or him, if anything?
  • What would have been different if you didn’t have expectations of the other person before or during the conflict? What would be different now if you didn’t have further expectations of her or him?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Reactions | Leave a comment

Sweeping Things Under the Rug

Posted on October 14, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

One way of coping with conflict is to sweep things under the rug. As you likely know, this metaphor refers to ignoring problems rather than facing and managing them. One idiomatic definition consistent with this from Wiktionary is “To conceal a problem expediently, rather than remedy it thoroughly.” Sometimes the tendency to sweep things under the rug comes with the hope that what is concealed will remain undiscovered.

Why do any of us sweep things under the rug? It may be because the truth is too painful to bear, or we fear the other person’s reaction and the consequences, or we hope things can be resolved without raising the issue. Maybe we perceive that what we are hiding is irrelevant and inconsequential. Or, it may be the elephant in the room.

For whatever reason we or others sweep things under the rug it is not likely that things get fully reconciled in a conflict when this happens. It also happens that what gets swept under often starts to seep out or appears as a lump under the idiomatic carpet. If you are sweeping things under the rug about a conflict or a potential one, this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) will help explore the concept.

  • What is the specific situation in which you are sweeping things under the rug?
  • What are you sweeping under the rug?
  • Why are you doing so?
  • What is your biggest concern regarding those reasons (your answer(s) to the previous question)?
  • What does the rug represent?
  • What is there to be gained by sweeping the thing(s) you identified under the rug?
  • What is there to be lost by doing so? What is to be gained?
  • How is or are the thing(s) you are sweeping under the rug likely to reveal itself or themselves, in any case?
  • What would it take for you to face and manage the thing(s) you are tending to conceal in this conflict?
  • What is the best case scenario if you do not sweep things under the rug? How might you make that happen?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Metaphors | Leave a comment

Walking on Eggshells

Posted on October 7, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

Wiktionary suggests the following idiomatic explanations of the expression walking on eggshells: 1. “To be overly careful in dealing with a person or situation because they get angry or offended very easily; to try very hard not to upset someone or something.” and 2. “To be careful and sensitive, in handling very sensitive matters.”

When applied to interpersonal conflict I think of those disconcerting situations – consistent with the explanations above – when I am reluctant to raise an issue expecting that by doing so I will overly upset the other person. It seems this is most likely to occur when I have a history with and am aware of her or his sensibilities. Though I expect it also happens when we don’t know the other person but reckon that what we have to say will be difficult to receive. In any case, the image itself – from whatever the source –conjures up an extremely uncomfortable experience.

When I think about this – as I am writing this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog – I realize that I would not like someone to feel this way about me. What also occurs to me is that we give a lot of power to people when we walk on eggshells around them and maybe they don’t own it.

If you tend to walk on eggshells around certain people, or are aware that others do about you, these questions will hopefully resonate.

  • If you are walking on eggshells around another person, why are you doing so?
  • How do you describe what it feels like to walk on eggshells in this situation?
  • What is the worst case scenario you imagine could happen regarding the other person’s reaction?
  • How realistic is that scenario on a scale of 1 to 5, 5 being very realistic? If you rated less than 5 what does that rating mean?
  • What do you want to feel you are walking on – rather than eggshells – in this scenario?
  • What power are you giving the other person by walking on eggshells?
  • If you are aware of someone walking on eggshells around you, what is the situation?
  • What are you gaining by her or him doing so? What are you losing?
  • What power is the other person giving you? What do you like about having that power? What do you not like?
  • What do you prefer other people walk on when it comes to raising issues of concern to you? How might you interact to facilitate that?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Metaphors, Reactions | 4 Comments

“I Hate When He…”

Posted on September 30, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

Lately I have been hearing several of my friends complaining about their life partners. It seems it is more than usual, but maybe I am just more aware of their plaints these days for some reason. The gripes typically start with “I hate when he (or she)…” and the “odious” acts, as they perceive them, may be how the person answers the phone, eats, flosses, leaves laundry on the floor, makes puns, and on and on. Of course, the same sorts of responses may be made regarding siblings, friends, parents, etc.

I have noticed that the things being complained about generally seem to happen when there has been an accumulation of actions or repeated ones. Or, there is something else going on and the other person’s behaviours become the focus. That is, at times it appears that picking on specific actions that annoy us is one way of coping with underlying provocations and stressors that are not being expressed or faced. So, when this happens the “real” stuff can get lost.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider this phenomenon as it applies to someone that provokes you with her or his habits, way of talking, mannerisms, etc.

  • What is it specifically that this person does that irritates you?
  • Why does that bother you?
  • Which of your values do you perceive are being undermined by this person’s actions that you identified?
  • If there is something more fundamental going on between you two that is underlying your irritation, what do you think that is?
  • What is stopping you from addressing the more fundamental matter (your answer to the previous question)?
  • Looking at this from someone else’s perspective – about you – what specifically are you saying or doing that she or he is complaining about?
  • What values might the other person perceive you are undermining by your words or actions? Why else may your actions provoke her or him?
  • What more fundamental matter or matters may underlie what she or he is complaining about with respect to you or your relationship?
  • What might be stopping her or him from letting you know (your answer to the previous question)?
  • For what reasons – in general – do you think we may pick on something someone is doing or saying rather than identifying the real issue(s)?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Reactions | 2 Comments