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Having an Axe to Grind

Posted on December 2, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

According to wiseGEEK “There are two meanings to the phrase ‘an axe to grind’. The first meaning is the traditional American one, which means having an ulterior motive or personal reasons, other than the obvious, for doing something. The British meaning is to hold a grudge or a grievance against someone or something.”

The same source says:

“The term comes from the grinding of axes using a grindstone. Axes were first made of wood and stone, then came to be composed of the best metal available to the person. They are used for splitting wood, felling trees and various other things. They are also a weapon of aggression. Axes are sharpened using a round grindstone that is rotated on an axle using a foot pump.”

The U.S. (Philadelphia) origin is that Charles Miner wrote a cautionary tale about his childhood in which he relates that he was duped into grinding an axe for a man using a grindstone. Once Miner finished the task, the man left without even saying “Thank you” or rewarding Miner for his hard work.

“Naturally, Miner held a grudge of sorts and used the metaphor to warn others of ulterior motives and self-interest. His tale led to him saying in 1812, ‘When I see a merchant over polite to his customers…Thinks I, that man has an axe to grind.’ The hidden motive for the merchant is profit and the metaphor can be taken to mean someone who is nice in order to get what he wants.”

Apparently, other origins of having an axe to grind have been considered but appear to have much the same meaning of having a grievance about someone’s actions – with a need to seek retribution.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog explores this phrase and invites you to consider a person about which you might say you have an axe to grind.

  • What is the situation?
  • What did the other person do?
  • What makes her or his actions egregious?
  • What motives do you think she or he had?
  • If there is a chance her or his actions had some positive meaning to them, what might that be?
  • Of the various definitions of having an axe to grind, which one reflects your experience in relation to the conflict you are discussing here?
  • What does the axe represent in that scenario?
  • What do you hope grinding the axe with her or him might achieve?
  • How does it feel to do so (your answer to the previous question)?
  • What are you thinking now about the other person that is different than when you began this series of questions?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Metaphors, Reactions | Leave a comment

Getting Hot Under the Collar

Posted on November 25, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

According to Mom Generations the origin of the idiom hot under the collar “comes from the fact that anger or aggression generally causes a person’s face and neck to become red, sweaty and hot.  Since the collar covers the neck, the collar becomes hot and sweaty.” This expression provides a good visual of people who literally become hot from their agitation and anger when in conflict. This reaction is the subject of this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog.

Focusing first on what I observe when someone gets hot under the collar, the most obvious thing I notice is a red face and sometimes the neck (just as in the description above). Often I see that the persons’ eyes are wide and their body may be fidgety or their demeanour appears aggressive. It is clear – in whatever ways it is physically demonstrated – that the person is agitated.

Focusing now on other signs – when I see someone get hot under the collar – I notice she or he may speak quickly or not at all. They may sound breathless or speech patterns may emerge that reflect tension and the range of emotions being experienced. Voices may be louder, words may be punctuated with expletives, and the people getting increasingly vexed may strongly emphasize certain viewpoints and phrases by repeating themselves.

If you have observed these and other sorts of reactions in another person when you are in conflict with them and wonder how to respond, the following questions may assist in your quest for conflict mastery.

  • As you bring to mind a specific person and situation, describe what the conflict was about.
  • How do you describe the demeanour of the other person getting hot under the collar?
  • How do you describe her or his voice?
  • What else did you notice that, in your view, further defines this expression getting hot under the collar?
  • What are the points the other person is making that seem to account for her or his “hotness”?
  • How is the person being hot under the collar affecting you?
  • Of all that she or he is saying, what part or parts do you own and are willing to take responsibility for, if any? What else may you be willing to concede, if anything?
  • What might you say to lessen the other person’s stress – if you wish to do so?
  • When you have become hot under the collar in conflict situations, what happens to you that others likely observe?
  • What has helped reduce your “hotness”? What is a “cooler” way to respond that is more aligned with how you want to be and be perceived?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Metaphors, Reactions | Leave a comment

NEW BOOK – Conflict Mastery: Questions to Guide You

Posted on November 18, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

I am thrilled to announce that my new book is now available through Amazon. It is called “Conflict Mastery: Questions to Guide you”.

This is a short summary of what it is about:

This book is about expanding perspectives on common aspects of conflict experiences—before, during, and after they arise—through the use of reflective questions and commentary. Metaphors, plays on words, and other questioning methods invite readers to think and feel differently about these aspects and try new and different ways of viewing and being in conflict. The questions are also designed to expand the quest to become more conflict masterful by making the route there more interesting and positive.

This book is also available in REPRODUCIBLE workbook format.

Warm regards,

Cinnie

Posted in Conflict Mastery | Leave a comment

Who Are You When in Conflict?

Posted on November 11, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

It happens sometimes that we lose track of ourselves when in conflict. We may find we turn into someone who doesn’t even resemble who we usually are and how we interact. We may become an angry parent, a petulant child, a dogmatic teacher, a judge or other personas that reflect a different somebody than we want to be.

Our changing personality – if and when it appears – may emerge because we are overly stressed and upset, hurt, frightened, overwhelmed, not getting our point across, or not getting what we want. At these times we may default to bad habits we have tried to change or ones we use to get our way. Whatever propels us to act and communicate in ways that seem surreal, we know at some level of awareness we have stepped out of ourselves. We might say to ourselves, “I just heard someone say such hurtful things and I think the words came out of my mouth!”

This week’s blog invites readers to consider who you want to be when in conflict and who you become – if you lose track of yourself.

  • Who are you when in conflict that reflects the person you don’t want to be?
  • What motivates you to be that person?
  • How do you experience your being at these times?
  • Under what circumstances are you the person you don’t want to be?
  • Who are you when in conflict that reflects the person you want to be?
  • What motivates you to be so?
  • How do you experience your being at these times?
  • Under what circumstances are you the person you want to be when in conflict?
  • What power do you lose when you are not the person you want to be?
  • What does that mean for the conflict (your answer to the last question)?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Reactions, Seeing Ourselves | Leave a comment

Pointing Fingers

Posted on November 4, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

When we talk about pointing fingers at others (when in conflict) it is typically in the context of blaming them for something. It could be that their words or deeds offended us or got us into trouble. It may be because we didn’t get what we wanted and we suspect the other person’s motives. Or, it may be that we are passing on fault that we own or share.

These and other blame-type scenarios commonly arise in interpersonal conflict and remind me of a great Hindu proverb: “Whenever you point your finger at someone, you have three pointed at yourself”. If I bring this proverb to mind when I begin to find fault, it actually reduces the tendency to blame and urges me to look at how I contributed to the discord.

This week’s blog invites you to consider that possibility regarding a situation in which you are pointing or pointed a finger at someone. The verbs of the questions are in the present tense, but if the conflict that comes to mind already occurred just change the verbs to the past tense where relevant.

  • What is the conflict about?
  • For what are you pointing your finger at the other person?
  • What more particularly makes that thing (those things) that the other person said or did particularly disconcerting for you?
  • What specific message or messages is your finger-pointing meant to convey?
  • What message or messages do you think the other person is receiving, if different from your answer to the previous question?
  • What do you think the three messages are on each of the fingers pointing back at you that reflect the other person’s views about your contribution to the dispute?
  • What are you willing to take responsibility for in this dispute?
  • What specifically would you do differently if you had the chance to be in this conflict again?
  • What message(s) would you like to convey to the other person now that you have thought about this?
  • What does your answer to the previous question mean with respect to what you learned in this situation?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Blame, Conflict Coaching | Leave a comment