Remember the phrase ‘say what you mean and mean what you say’? The thing is, sometimes things slip out and we realize we let our impulses take over. Other times we say something that is misinterpreted and we didn’t mean any harm. In either case, we can easily hurt others and be hurt with ‘mean-ness’, and the conflict becomes one of explaining ourselves while not always acknowledging the impact.
How may you mean what you say in a conflict without being mean?
We may think that the best way to support friends in conflict is to agree with their viewpoints, help them justify their counterproductive reactions, and badmouth the other person too. However, many of us do not find this form of support helpful when we are suffering and struggling in the aftermath of broken relationships.
What sort of support do you find most meaningful from a good friend when you are in conflict?
Each of our conflicts weaves a tapestry of people, situations and experiences that build our habits. We shroud ongoing disputes with this tapestry. However, we do not always realize that there is a tapestry that covers our inner souls too and maybe, deep down we want to remake the garment to better fit our values and needs, and try to align our inner and outer selves.
If you were to weave a new conflict tapestry what swatches will you ensure are consistent internally and externally?
Seeing ‘the other person’ in our conflicts as a ‘partner’ in a discord may help its process and resolution be more of a joint effort – for the good of us both. After all, we share the discomfort and tension, and we are together responsible for the disconnect between us.
How does seeing the other person as a partner in the conflict help things in a conflict you are in?
At some point after a conflict we realize we want to mend the lingering feelings of hurt, despair, disappointment and so on. The idea of mending post-conflict, among other things, translates into getting things back to where they were in the relationship. However, there are times when mending seems to be a difficult and an unrealistic outcome given what has transpired. And efforts may be experienced as ‘too little too late’.
How might you prevent future conflicts from being difficult and unrealistic to mend?
