Sometimes our interpersonal conflicts result in our crankiness. Other times our crankiness exacerbates conflict. It isn’t always straightforward to know which comes first. However, it is feasible to consider the genesis of our crankiness so that we do not displace what we are going through and lose its meaning and importance for us.

As I’m writing this I am thinking that, apart from dictionary definitions, we likely have different ideas about what crankiness is. It occurs to me it is a subjective and feeling experience – either as the cranky person or on the receiving end of someone else’s state of being. That is, words don’t always depict what it feels like in either case. And it often seems interpersonal conflict results in or perpetuates such a state.

This week’s blog invites you to consider your experience of cranky in both scenarios with this list of questions:

• How do you define the experience of feeling cranky?
• What seems to lead you to that state of being?
• How does it impact others when you are cranky at these times, from what you can tell?
• In what ways has that experience resulted in a conflict with someone else? What happened?
• What could you do differently when you become cranky so that it doesn’t lead to unnecessary conflict?
• How do you describe the experience of being on the receiving end of someone else’s crankiness?
• When you think about one of those experiences, what reasons seem to account for her or his crankiness?
• In what ways did that lead to a dispute with you?
• How might your reaction have contributed to the conflict?
• What could you do differently when someone else becomes cranky so that you won’t negatively react?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

After conflicts are ostensibly over an interesting phenomenon sometimes emerges. As we retell what occurred, our stories take on new and different versions. What we actually said gets replaced with what we wished we had said. What the other person said gets replaced with how we heard it, which isn’t always what was actually conveyed. The tone of our respective voices, the attitude we demonstrate, how we acted and other aspects of our communications are frequently distorted – and often in self-serving ways.

Why do we do this? Maybe it is to justify ourselves, to lay blame firmly and categorically on the other person, to make ourselves right and the other person wrong, or to garner sympathy, applause and support. These and other reasons keep the conflict alive and sometimes so strongly that we come to believe the new version.

The following questions will help you to check out whether you are exaggerating, embellishing or otherwise distorting the conflict story compared to how it actually happened.

• What are you telling yourself or others that the other person said or did that isn’t altogether accurate?
• What did the other person actually say or do that you are now distorting to some degree?
• What are you saying you said or did that isn’t really accurate?
• What did you actually say or do that you are now distorting to some degree?
• For what reasons are you distorting what the other person said or did?
• For what reasons are you distorting what you said or did?
• What need is being met by sharing the incorrect version of your part in the conflict?
• What need is your incorrect version of the other person’s part fulfilling?
• What do you wish you said during the conflict that you didn’t? Why not?
• What of the other person’s truths were hardest for you to hear? What truths that you conveyed were hardest for her or him to hear?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

It seems that when we are in conflict we attribute all sorts of things to the other person that they don’t necessarily own. These are commonly assumptions about their motives for their words or actions that provoked a negative reaction in us. That is, we often believe the other person intended to undermine us or something important to us.

For varying reasons it seems that once we are triggered many of us go to this sort of blame place. We get caught up in being hurt or the victim of the other person’s bad behaviour and don’t consider how we also contributed to the conflict dynamic. These sorts of reactions can add to the damage evolving. However, catching ourselves before that happens can lead to discovering that there’s actually an opportunity to examine what’s really going on, including our part of the interaction. It’s also a time to consider that the attributions we are making about the other person might be more about us than her or him. These pre-emptive measures ultimately help to prevent unnecessary conflict.

Here are some questions to help deconstruct an interpersonal conflict you are in and consider what you own in it.

• What is the conflict about? What did the other person say or do that provoked you?
• For what reasons do you think she or he said or did that?
• If the other person heard you describe her or his reasons, to what might she or he object?
• What other possible reasons might the other person provide for what she or he said or did?
• If you are right about your assumptions, what does that mean for you? For the relationship?
• If you are wrong about your assumptions about the other person, what then?
• How do you know for sure that the other person owns what you are attributing to her or him?
• What do you own regarding your contribution to the conflict (such as what you said or did or how you did so)? What are your reasons for that?
• What might the other person say you said or did that triggered her or him? What might the other person attribute to your reasons for provoking her or him?
• What don’t you and the other person know about the other’s motives for provoking one another? What does your answer here add to what else you might own that you haven’t yet mentioned?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

One way that some of us cope with having our feelings hurt is to retaliate and try to hurt back. It’s times like these that things come out of our mouths that we can’t take back. We may react with name-calling. We may react with accusations we know will offend the other person. We may question her or his intelligence, integrity or other values. We may voice negative assumptions about her or his motives. We might even ignore the other person or walk away as a way of causing hurt. These and other ways we attempt to hurt back usually serve to escalate the conflict.

Why do we hurt back then? There are many reasons. For instance, maybe our reactions come from being insulted and deeply hurt; maybe we have limited ability to step back from conflict to process our emotional interactions; maybe we tend to act on impulse; maybe we feel hopeless that things are not working out as we expected; maybe we are desperate and want what we want without discussion or compromise.

If you hurt someone back who hurt you, consider the following questions to see if they help examine your reaction.

• What did the other person say or do that hurt your feelings?
• What hurt most?
• How do you describe the impact on you, other than being hurt?
• How did you then react that was retaliatory and hurtful for the other person?
• What were you wanting to achieve with that reaction?
• What did your reaction achieve?
• When you think now about hurting the other person’s feelings in reaction to your own hurt in the scenario discussed here, what other response might you have chosen instead?
• What difference might it have made if you chose that response (your answer to the previous question)?
• Going forward, if someone hurts you again, what other ways of responding in the moment might you choose (if you want to) rather than hurting back?
• How might you ensure you choose that response?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?