During my coach training many years ago, the instructor talked about a concept called ‘tolerations’ and how they affect our moods, energy, attitude and so on. Essentially, tolerations may be defined as things we put up with. Sometimes tolerations sound like ‘to do’ lists, such as unfinished chores. Other times it’s others’ behaviours and attitudes that we do not condone, much less address.

As a conflict specialist, I apply this idea to the sorts of dynamics that we are tolerating – that irritate us – and about which our patience and ability to manage them are diminishing. Conflict looms and fear or other reasons preclude us doing something to lessen our angst.

Think, for instance, of someone’s attitude that is always negative and it wears you down. You may have tried to talk to this person – or not – but the reality is you may feel yourself pulling away, increasingly developing a negative mindset around and about them and so on. Or, think about a friend who is always late and you are fed up – finding yourself getting crankier each time. You have the picture, right? I’m referring to the types of actions, words, attitudes, etc. that wear us down, zap our energy and that we put up with against our better judgment and sometimes, even our values.

In my work, it’s common for my clients to report that when they feel no longer able to tolerate someone’s behaviour, the more likely they are to react and say things they regret. It’s evident as they talk – and this is my experience too – that a build up of all sorts of other tolerations also contribute to the tipping point. At these times, attempts at conversations with the person provoking us are full of high tension and emotions, making it more difficult to express ourselves without creating unnecessary conflict.

Whether it’s avoidance, or thinking we can deal with the situation, or some other variables that keep us from ‘nipping the irritations in the bud’, the build up – also due sometimes to the impact of tolerating too much else in our lives – is often detrimental to the relationship.

This week’s blog invites you to consider your tolerations and one that resulted in a conflict.

• To begin with, what sorts of attitudes, behaviours, actions and so on are you tolerating in others and don’t really want to?
• Considering a specific interpersonal conflict, what do you think you are or were tolerating with that person that resulted in the dissension?
• What, if anything, did you say during the conflict that resulted between you about this (these) toleration(s)?
• What do you suppose took you a while to let the other person know how you felt?
• If you had told the person about her or his behaviour before the conflict, how did she or he react?
• What do you think motivated her or him to continue to do the things you had identified?
• What, if anything, did the other person share that reflected one or more tolerations that she or he is putting up with about you?
• Why do you suppose the other person didn’t tell you sooner?
• If she or he had previously told you what irritated her or him about you, why did you persist?
• What do you wish the other person said or did differently in the conflict, as to have had a better impact on you? What do you wish you had said, in your scenario, that may have had a more positive impact?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

Being supportive of a friend, family member or colleague who is upset about an interpersonal conflict they are having (or had) takes on various forms. And, we may extend support in different ways, to different people, for different reasons.

Often we know the other person and provide support she or he typically has needed from previous experience. Sometimes we act on the type of support we prefer and project our needs onto others. That is, we might prefer to be left alone, to talk things through, to go out for a drink or meal, to see a show or other diverting event, to sit quietly and not say a thing, to be hugged, to cry and so on. Or, we may seek advice or any of the many other ways support may be best received.

Identifying what we need and finding out what the other person needs by way of support is critical though, and this week’s blog invites you to think about support and conflict – what you need and want, and also, how to be there for others during these times. To facilitate this line of inquiry, please consider a conflict you have had when you wanted support from others and one in which another person (like a friend or family member, etc.) was in conflict.

• What was the dispute about that you were in?
• What did you want by way of support? What did you need by way of support?
• If you got support from someone and it was helpful, what specifically made it so?
• If the support you received wasn’t helpful, why was that?
• If no one tried to support you after the conflict, why was that? What was that like?
• Generally-speaking, what sorts of conflict situations especially generate your need or want for support?
• In general, what sort of support do you usually find most effective after you have been in a conflict? What type of support do others offer that is not very effective for you?
• When you think of someone who wanted your support after a dispute, what did you think she or he wanted or needed from you? How did you know?
• What type of support are you most comfortable giving? Why is that?
• What challenges do you have with giving support to others after their conflicts? Why is that?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

It isn’t all that common to think of interpersonal disputes as healthy and constructive. Rather, it’s often the case that many of us view conflict as destructive and as a sign of problems in the relationship with the other person.

It’s difficult in the midst of a dispute to step back and consider that experiencing negative and strong emotions about situations, when we have differing views and consequently become upset, demonstrates how important matters are to each of us. Understanding why those things mean so much to us is pivotal to contemplating how we may manage the situation, including how to reconcile our differences. That is, sharing our needs and being intentional about figuring out together what might be a mutually acceptable resolution (given such disclosure) constitute two major aspects of what I call healthy disputes.

I’m not referring only to our domestic partnerships or friends and family here. Rather, the possibility of conflict, as we know, pervades all relationships, though it is especially challenging when there is a degree of interdependence. This includes, then, not only our partners, family members and friends. It also includes co-workers, bosses, and those whose expertise and services we count on, such as lawyers, teachers, doctors, dentists and other health professionals.

In any case, disputes with anyone in our personal and professional lives can be unsettling and when they are leading or could potentially lead to a breakdown in the relationship, it can be particularly difficult. Not all disputes necessarily result in such breakdowns, of course, and in many situations, the desire to salvage what we have in the relationship trumps the choice to end it. So, to strive for healthy disputes it helps to remain cognizant of the outcome desired for the relationship and figure out what it will take to make what could be a destructive dispute a healthy and constructive one. Keeping in mind we have choices about how we do so is crucial.

This blog invites you to consider what might be or become a healthy dispute you are having with someone important to you.

• Generally, to begin with, what is your view of what constitutes a healthy dispute?
• What, for you, constitutes an unhealthy dispute?
• What is a dispute about that you are currently having?
• What makes it unhealthy, considering your definition above? What makes it healthy, considering your definition above?
• How is the other person contributing to the unhealthy parts?
• How are you contributing to the unhealthy parts?
• What choices do you have for making the conflict healthier?
• What difference would your answer to the above question make to the outcome?
• What would be a first step to turn the unhealthy pieces of the conflict into healthier ones, if you want to?
• What are you experiencing as you consider the possibility that you could help make the dispute a healthy one?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?