Once we are triggered in a conflict our emotions typically escalate and we react in ways that can be counterproductive. This happens for us and for the other person – and together we create a crucible for potential chaos! Strange as it may sound though, we are on common ground at these times. That is, we share the experience of perceiving something important to us is being challenged or threatened by the other. At these times, among other things, we are often in blame mode; our amygdala is activated; and we say things we later regret.

In the unsettled state of mind interpersonal conflict perpetuates, our capacity for engaging in conflict masterfully is at a low point and we have trouble knowing where our conflict competencies have gone. How to channel those lost proficiencies and regain the skills and ability to manage ourselves in ways that are consistent with who we really want to be, seem to be lost in the chaos.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a dispute in which you are or were not being conflict masterful and ask yourself how you could bring the best version of yourself to the situation.

• What is or was the dispute about?
• How are or were you reacting that you don’t like?
• What provoked that particular reaction?
• What about your reaction seems to be having or did have the most negative impact on the other person?
• How did the other person react back?
• As you consider this situation, what conflict proficiencies do you have that you didn’t apply at the time (if applicable)?
• What precluded you from using that or those proficiencies?
• If you were to channel that or those proficiencies, what would need to happen for you to be able to do so effectively? Or, which one(s) do or did you want to learn?
• How does the notion of channeling one or more conflict proficiencies help you decide what you would do in this same situation if you had it to do over?
• What is one proficiency you plan to strengthen when it comes to being in conflict that reflects a conflict masterful version of you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

It sometimes seems that it is harder to move past some conflicts by forgetting the parts that had the greatest impact. Why some things linger is, at times, somewhat of a mystery, but one that is worthy of solving in order to increase our resilience and ability to let go of ongoing angst that is likely to emerge again in future conflicts.

The areas that stick with us and that remain unreconciled vary among us and may include words said, tone used, attitude demonstrated, actions taken, insults and accusations made, name-calling and so on. A history of repeated interactions of the same nature that might be considered in the mix can have an even larger impact as the repeated offenses grow and get added to the heavier baggage we then carry around.

There is no necessity to forget all things we experience in our conflicts. After all, they help build knowledge and wisdom about what we will and will not tolerate and also, the extent to which others honour our differences – using good faith and not bad will. However, continually feeling negativity about the other persons in our disputes – and ourselves in relation to them – can contribute to a number of destructive side effects such as reduced confidence, self-esteem, and belief in ourselves and our views, to name a few downsides.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to reflect on something you are not forgetting about a dispute.

• What was the dispute about?
• What specifically are you not forgetting?
• What more specifically is it about that/those things (your answer to the previous question) that you are not forgetting?
• Why do you want to forget it/them, if you do?
• If you don’t want to forget it/them, why is that?
• What lesson(s) did you learn from this dispute that are worth holding onto?
• What would happen if you forgot the thing(s) that you have referred to?
• What do you gain from not forgetting? What do you lose?
• What might be staying with the other person about you that she or he is not forgetting?
• On a scale of 1-10, how much do you want to let go of the things staying with you (10 is very much, 1 is not at all)? What informs your answer here?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

When it comes to our interpersonal relations and the inevitability of conflict, there are times we reach saturation points. These are such things as engaging in repeated arguments over the same issues, the same attitude that provokes us, and mannerisms that annoy and even embarrass us in front of others. Further, we might become fed up with what we experience as the apparent lack of understanding about why certain things are so important to us, or the other person’s constant need to be right or refusal to see our point of view. The sense that our concerns are minimal compared to the other person may be off-putting to the point of saturation as well.

The reality is we demonstrate all sorts of behaviours and actions that irritate those we regularly interact with and they annoy us too, and sometimes we reach the point of saying “I’ve had enough!” (See also Tolerations and Conflict) In fact, there are ongoing provocations that lead to the end of relationships when enough really is enough.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider the sentiment “I’ve had enough!” when it comes to ongoing interpersonal conflicts with someone. This could be a partner, spouse, sibling, parent, colleague, boss, co-worker, service worker and so on.

To answer this week’s questions, please consider some specific action, behaviour, attitude, etc. of this person that provokes you to the point that you have said or could easily say “I’ve had enough!”

• How do you describe the action, behaviour, attitude, etc. that you have had enough of?
• What does it mean to you to say “I’ve had enough!”?
• How have you let the person know her or his behaviour, etc. is intolerable for you, i.e. what do you say/do?
• How has she or he defended herself or himself?
• What have you tried to see if she or he may cease that which annoys you? What have you not tried (or if you have not yet thought of anything, what are some possibilities)?
• What would you advise a good friend in the same circumstance?
• When someone has let you know they’ve had enough of something about you, what has she or he said or done?
• How has the other person’s response to you (your answer to the above question) helped the relationship? Not helped the relationship?
• How have you defended your actions, behaviours, etc.?
• How is enough is enough a positive outcome in each of these situations? How is it not?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

When I was researching for my book Conflict Management Coaching: The CINERGY Model, many people in the study groups didn’t like the use of the word “stories” to describe their conflict situations. They would say that the use of that word makes it sound like they are fabricating what occurred – that they are not being truthful.

Despite resistance to this notion, the reality is that when many of us share what happened in a dispute, our version is not always what we and the other person said. That is, our recollections are not always fully accurate. For instance, we may leave out things we said and how we acted or sounded; we may add what we wished we had said; and we may attribute words, tones and attitudes to the other person that they don’t necessarily own.

This week’s blog is about storytelling – truths and untruths. To answer these questions, consider a dispute that is currently happening in your life.

• What is the dispute about?
• What may you be leaving out about what happened?
• Why did you leave out that part?
• What, if anything, did you actually not say despite what you just conveyed as part of your situation?
• What need does it fulfil for you to leave out or embellish the conflict story?
• What would the other person say she or he does not really own of what you conveyed about her or his contribution?
• What compelled you to convey that part?
• What do you wish you had said? Why is that?
• What emotion(s) emerge for you when you talk about conflict this way?
• What are some unsaid truths that arise as you consider your answers to this week’s questions?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?