It often seems that we carry a heaviness in ourselves – our hearts, our heads, our whole beings – when we are in conflict with another person. The intensity varies depending on the person, the situation, what was said, how it was said, and any number of other variables that influence the nature and amount of weight we continue to carry. This may be the case whether or not the conflict issues were resolved.

Even though we have trouble shedding the hold the conflict has had on us, we might try to resume the relationship anyway. Other times we ignore the other person, or act as if everything is okay though it isn’t. In any case, there is frequently an underlying hope that things will just get better and the angst will pass. It doesn’t always though.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a conflict about which you are carrying a weight.

• What is the situation?
• How would you describe the heaviness you are carrying?
• Where are you carrying it?
• How much would you say the heaviness weighs (in pounds, grams)?
• What does the weight feel like?
• If you were to throw out something that is especially heavy and useless to carry, what would be the first thing you would toss?
• What makes that useless (your answer to the previous question)?
• If you threw that heavy weight out, what weight would you be left with (in pounds, grams)?
• What are your unspoken hopes about the conflict?
• How might you make that happen (your answer to the previous question)?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

Interpersonal conflict tends to bring out parts of us we don’t really like. It may be our attitude, our mannerisms, what we say and how we say it, our facial gestures and so on. Sometimes we seem to replicate the way we saw a parent interact; other times we see the ‘child’ in us or the petulant teenager.

Since we generally learn how to manage conflict through our families of origin (we learn what not to do this way too), it is common that we default to patterns embedded way back when. Through trial and error, schools, peers, etc. we also learn other ways to “be” in conflict and not always effectively. There’s just no rule book!

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog explores who you become in conflict. It will help to consider a situation you can think of in which you know you transformed into a not-so-great version of you.

• What was the situation?
• Who did you ‘become’ in that interaction?
• In what ways?
• How might you describe the way of “being”  you became in detail?
• What brought on that way of reacting? How is it a “default” reaction for you (if it is)?
• What did you like about who you became? What didn’t you like?
• How did the other person respond?
• How do you wish you had interacted instead?
• What precluded you from interacting that way (your answer to the previous question)?
• How might you prevent reacting in ways you don’t like about yourself in the future?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?