One of the reasons conflict sometimes evolves is because we aren’t aware of the reasons someone is upset with us. In these cases, by the time we are told about the situation by the person who feels aggrieved by something we said or did the dynamic between us has become increasingly tense. Our lack of knowing how we caused offence adds to our unsettled feelings. This sort of scenario also gives us a sense of helplessness.

Had we known about the other person’s perspective and experience about us things may not have gone on so far and become as difficult. That is, though we might not have liked what the other person told us, we may have been able to “nip things in the bud” and address matters earlier – before feelings escalated.

These are tough situations and it’s difficult at these times to make sense of why the other person didn’t let us know what we did or what we could have done differently. Perhaps they are afraid to share the problem as they see it; maybe they think things will change without saying anything; or they don’t want to risk offending us. These and other reasons may account for not sharing their views and needs, though not knowing does not provide us with the tools or strategies to know how to respond.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a conflict situation in which you wished you had known earlier what was ailing the other person before things evolved.

• What is the situation?
• What didn’t you know that you wished you had?
• What impact did not knowing have on you?
• What do you suppose precluded the other person from sharing this with you?
• If you had known, what would you have done differently?
• What difference would that have made to the relationship?
• What difference would that have made to the issues in dispute?
• When you have held back telling another person something to which they may react poorly, why did you do so?
• What difference might it have made to what evolved?
• What’s the learning here?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

Sometimes in my conflict management coaching practice I hear clients say – about their interpersonal conflicts – that they are tired of fighting with someone (in some cases with a number of people). It is not just in long term work relationships that I hear plaints of this nature. Being tired of conflict with personal relationships, partners and family members also generate the feeling of “I’ve had enough!”

Beleaguered by continuous negative emotions and interactions, my clients who are fed up are often looking to coaching to help change the way they interact, or to decide whether continuing with the relationship serves them anymore, or to figure out if they can better understand the continuing feuds. These and other objectives (when clients say they are tired of fighting) motivate them, in most cases, to also consider what specifically compels the continuing dynamic about which they fatigue.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a person with whom you would say you are tired of fighting.

• Who is the person with whom you are tired of fighting?
• What do you fight about that is especially tiring for you? What are you most tired of in that regard?
• Why is that especially tiring (your answer to the previous question)?
• How do you want to feel instead of “tired of fighting”?
• What options have you considered rather than fighting?
• If you were to resolve your differences so that you wouldn’t be tired of fighting with this person anymore, what would that look like?
• How realistic is the above answer on a scale of 1-10, 1 being not at all and 10 being very?
• If a realistic outcome, how might you make it happen?
• If it is not realistic to resolve your differences, what other options are there? What are the pros and cons of the options you named (above) for you? What are the pros and cons for the other person?
• In the end, what is a proactive way to not become “tired of fighting”?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

When in conflict it is often the case that our face (and the other person’s face, too) tells a story of what we are experiencing, how we feel about ourselves, how we feel about the other person and so on.

Facial messages typically show up and signal our emotional reaction before we express it verbally – if at all! It’s hard to disguise these feelings and in fact, we often don’t need to say anything because our face says it all.

When we make faces or notice others’ facial expressions regarding a conflict, the opportunity presents itself to reflect and share what we are reacting to. Or, though some faces are daunting, it’s time to ask the person what is happening for her or him.

In either case – sharing or asking – the early signals of dissension demonstrated on our faces are prime for addressing and preventing unnecessary conflict.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider a conflict when someone else made a face at you and one in which you know you did to another.

• When another person made a face to you, how do you describe her or his face?
• What was happening that seemed to lead to her or his reaction?
• How did you interpret what you observed in her or his facial language? What else may she or he have been feeling?
• What would have been a conflict masterful comment or question when you observed the other person’s face?
• What happened in this conflict after the person made a face?
• When you made a face in a conflict, what was the situation?
• What led to you making the face you did?
• How might you describe your face?
• What might the other person say additionally or differently about your facial expression? What might a good friend observing your face say additionally or differently?
• What message did you want the other person to get from your face? What conflict masterful comments may you have made instead of making a face?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?