As you have likely realized, I am intrigued by a number of interesting metaphors that relate to conflict. Last week was about “biting our tongues” and this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog is about “eating our words”!

One explanation of this expression is “To regret or retract what one has said”. This phrase often arises after a conflict when we are aware we have said something that contributed adversely to the conversation. Typically, we want to take back what we said, knowing we have already caused hurt and unnecessarily escalated the dispute.

The image of “eating our words” is a strange one when you think about it – letters being consumed and swallowed! It is not likely that we digest them well!!

I suggest that you consider a dispute you were in in which you wish you could have “eaten your words” – taking back what was said – when answering the following questions:

• What was the situation about?
• What did you say that you wish you hadn’t?
• What specific words would you like to take back?
• What precluded you from withholding what you said?
• What else might have precluded you from finding other ways to express your words?
• What was the impact on the other person of the words you used?
• What was the impact on you of using those words?
• What would make it especially hard for you to digest the words you wish you hadn’t said (if you were to eat your words)?
• What words might you have used to express yourself instead of the ones you would now eat?
• How might you stop yourself in a future dispute from being in a position where you could eat your words afterwards?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

One reference to the expression “bite my tongue” is “To forcibly prevent oneself from speaking, especially in order to avoid saying something inappropriate or likely to cause a dispute”.

In conflict situations this idiom comes up when there is something we feel compelled to say but catch ourselves from doing so. This might be because we instinctively know it would result in an escalation of matters, be hurtful, stir up more emotion than is necessary and so on.

The imagery is interesting in that if you’ve ever bitten your tongue (haven’t we all?) it HURTS!! It would appear then – considering the idiom’s meaning – that to stop ourselves from hurting someone’s feelings we hurt ourselves physically.

Though it’s not usually the case that we literally bite our tongues and are in pain as a consequence, it is the case that not saying what we want to can cause us inner pain. That is, we may feel our experience of the conflict is not being expressed; we might resent we are being careful about the other person but our emotions are not being reciprocated; we might regret we do not have other skills and tools to effectively make our point without causing damage; and so on.

In this week’s Conflict Mastery Ques(ions) blog consider a time when you “bit your tongue” as you respond to this set of questions.

• What was the situation?
• What did you want to say that you didn’t?
• What specifically stopped you?
• What did you fear most (if you didn’t already answer that in the previous question)?
• What was the outcome of this situation?
• What pain do you think you might have caused if you said what was on your mind?
• What inner pain did it cause you because you bit your tongue?
• What did the other person not hear, find out, understand, etc. because you bit your tongue so that she or he didn’t know what was on your mind?
• If you were to express what you wanted to – in a way that would be more effective than you initially thought – how might you have done so?
• What is the downside of biting your tongue? What is the upside?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

Since the 1300s the adjective heavy – referring to the heart – has been used in the sense of “weighed down with grief or sadness”.

Having a ‘heavy heart’ is a vivid expression that most of us can relate to for different reasons. For instance, when our hearts are heavy, as a consequence of conflict, whether we experience sadness, loss, anger or other emotions, there is an immobilizing sense that we are unable to move on. We might feel we are at a standstill that precludes us from thinking clearly, making decisions, problem-solving and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a time you had a ‘heavy heart’ after a conflict.

• What was the incident that led you to having a ‘heavy heart’?
• What specifically resulted in that feeling?
• If you were to put a weight on the heaviest you feel in pounds/kg, what would that be?
• What is the heaviest part of that (your answer to the previous question)?
• If you were to begin to shed some of the weight, which feelings, part of the incident, etc. would you be able to let go of?
• What do you supposed you would hold onto longest in the heaviness you are experiencing?
• Why is that (your answer to the previous question)?
• What do you gain by holding onto the heaviness?
• What amount of heaviness (in pounds/kg) would you feel if the heaviness was eased for you to be able to move on in peace? What would help – at this point in time – to ease the heavy feelings, do you think (if you want to do so)?
• If heaviness in your heart has lifted at all, what facilitated that?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?