Interpersonal conflict is often deflating. Our egos, self-esteem, confidence, mood and other parts of us can all be negatively influenced when we are in dispute. Who the other person is, the subject matter, what she or he said or didn’t say (or did or didn’t do), and the attitude and facial or body language we observed – any number of these and other things could provoke us. I think I can safely say though, most of us experience moments like this when we are feeling deflated after a conflict.

What I notice from many of my conflict management coaching clients when conflicts negatively effect and linger for them is the tendency to be hard on themselves and go to places that reflect old habits. These include engaging in self-blame or blaming the other person, withdrawing, using silences, and reacting in other ways that demonstrate their default system.

If you have a tendency to go to a default (an old conflict habit that isn’t good for you) – even when you try not to – you might find this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog of relevance.

When you are not being good to yourself, after or during a conflict, and go instead to a negative place, what do you tend to think about yourself at these times?

What feelings usually accompany the thoughts you refer to in the previous question?

In what other ways is the place you go to hard on you?

When you think about it, what makes this a place you gravitate to during or after a dispute?

When do you not go to that negative place during or after conflict?

What makes the difference?

What thoughts may you draw on to replace your negative ones, rather than go to your default place?

If you were to be good to yourself during a conflict, what would you do differently? What different feeling would accompany that shift?

If you were to be good to yourself after a conflict, what would you do differently? What different feeling would accompany that shift?

What will it take for you to orchestrate the shifts so that you will be better to yourself during a conflict? What will it take for you to orchestrate the shifts so that you will be better to yourself after a conflict?

What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?

What insights do you have?

“The right word may be effective but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.” Mark Twain

I like this quote a lot. It is a reminder to me that we are “at choice” when it comes to when and how we engage in conflict. That is, often the best response when someone upsets us with things they say or do is to take a “rightly timed pause”. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider when and how to use pauses.

Let’s consider the definition first. Dictionary-wise there are several definitions and I’ll refer to this one: “a temporary stop or rest, especially in speech or action”.

This way of describing pause is relevant to the point of this blog because it implies intention, choice and emotional regulation – three important ingredients of effective conflict management. The trick is, of course, to learn to stop ourselves when we are triggered and usually react to our detriment. At these times, we often go too quickly to blame, to defensiveness, and to other responses that do not help the situation.

If you tend to react, consider the questions below by bringing to mind a specific dispute in which you reacted without pausing.

• What was the situation?
• How did you react that you wished you hadn’t?
• What specifically seemed to propel you to react?
• What emotions were you experiencing?
• What thoughts came to your head?
• If you had paused, rather than reacted, what would a “pause” actually look like?
• What would you have to be thinking that would be different from your thoughts when you reacted?
• What emotions might you draw on to make the pause easier?
• Once you paused, what might you have said or done that would be less reactive?
• What do you suppose makes it hard to “pause” and think before reacting, in ways you would rather not, when someone offends you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?