In the midst of interpersonal conflict, it’s difficult to be kind to the other person – no matter how kind a person we may usually be. It is also difficult to be kind to ourselves. It’s understandable that when our equilibrium is off due to tension and the inability to get out of hurt, blame and defensiveness, that calling on our kindness is not a way of being that we can imagine, much less achieve.

In order to engage at these times, to effectively contribute to resolution, to move on, to retain our dignity, to be able to acknowledge our contribution to the tension, to apologize, to forgive, and to reduce the negativity, it helps to take a close look at kindness as a measurement of conflict mastery.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog suggests that there are ways to bring on our kind selves and hold onto that when we are offended. It’s not easy. Here are some reflective questions that might facilitate kindness when in conflict:

• When you are kind, in the usual course of life, what does kindness look like? What does it feel like?
• How do you think you are perceived by those on the receiving end of your kindness?
• When you are not at your kindest how do you interact?
• How are you perceived at these times (in response to the previous question)?
• What conflict situation comes to mind in which you know you were kind and perceived as such?
• What made kindness an easy and natural way for you to relate in that situation?
• Considering a dispute in which you were not kind to the other person, what was the main characteristic that came out that you are not proud of? In what way were you not kind to yourself in that situation?
• What stopped your kind self from interacting?
• If you were to have brought kindness to that dispute, what impact might this have had on the other person? What impact might your kindness have had on the conflict?
• What impact might your kindness have had on you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

 #conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching

We aren’t born, of course, with a set of skills to engage in interpersonal disputes. We learn, as we grow, what to do and what not to do from our families of origin, teachers, peers, leaders in all contexts and others. At some point many of us realize we don’t have the skills we need and want to learn how to effectively “be” in conflict, to handle ourselves better, and to find the opportunity within them to improve matters.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider skills you realize you would like to build. They may have to do with how to regulate emotions, not to become defensive, to respond and communicate in conciliatory ways, and so on.

The following questions suggest you start by reflecting on one skill you know you want to improve. You can go through the questions for other skills if the questions resonate!

Which skill do you want to improve – to start with? What specifically do you do that demonstrates this skill needs improvement?

When you have observed someone with this skill what impression does that make on you?

What makes it so (re: your answer to the previous question)?

What are the challenges for you in developing this skill?

What do you suppose it will take for you to overcome those challenges?

What difference will having this skill make in how you engage in your conflicts?

How will you feel about yourself when you have this skill? What impact will it have on others if you develop this skill?

In what specific ways do you think you will you be perceived differently?

If you were to try out this skill, in what relatively low-conflict context might you be able to do so?

How will you measure success when you develop this skill?

What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?

What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching

#conflictmanagementcoaching

Some interpersonal disputes result in a breakdown of the relationship and ending it altogether. There may have been repeated conflicts – one too many – or one that is so egregious that there is no way to save the impact on trust and other of our values. In many cases, such an outcome is devastating and a huge loss to both of us and even those around us. In other cases, the destructive way we continue to relate is evident and we tend to hold on long after the thin thread maintaining the connection has frayed.

It can be very hard to end relationships – even some that are destructive to our well-being. It might take a while before we acknowledge that things are too broken and accept a total parting of ways is a necessity to maintain our health and well-being.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider a dispute in which it occurs to you that ending the relationship is necessary as things have broken down beyond repair.

• What happened with respect to the dispute you have in mind?
• What more specifically occurred that has resulted in you thinking the relationship has broken down?
• What did you initially like about the other person? What don’t you like now?
• What are you afraid of if the relationship ends?
• What else would not be good if the relationship ended?
• What good could come of ending the relationship?
• If the relationship continued what would have to happen to make it work?
• How might you contribute to making it work, if you want it to?
• What are you experiencing as you consider the possibility of the relationship ending?
• What are you experiencing if you consider the relationship mending?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog considers that we do not always respond with grace and dignity – and we wish afterwards we had – when we are engaged in interpersonal disputes. Rather, at these times we often react and say things we regret. We, in so many words, step out of the person we want to be, and even get in our own way of trying to mend matters. For instance, having offended the person on the receiving end of our wrath, our overtures to resolve the dispute can often be experienced as too little too late, or even too soon!

Measuring responses in conflict – the title of this blog – refers to taking time to contemplate how and when to initiate the sort of conversation that will have a better chance of being effective. Measured then, means our response is careful, deliberate and well thought out.

For the questions below, consider a conflict situation that you want to mend with a measured approach – one in which you reacted in a counterproductive way.

• What was the situation?
• What did you say that you regret? How did you interact?
• What led you to say that and in that way (in reference to the previous question)?
• As you think about it more now, what was important to you about getting your point across?
• What is the reconciliation message you want to give now?
• How will you “be” when you deliver this message?
• What will you be most measured about (careful, deliberate and thoughtful) in your words?
• How will you be most careful, deliberate and thoughtful in the presentation of your message?
• What, for you, will be the measurement that will reflect your success at the reconciliation message?
• What do you think will be the measurement of your message’s success for the other person?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?