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Conflict Resolutions for 2019

Posted on January 1, 2019 by Cinnie Noble

I’d like to wish all of you the very best of health and happiness for the coming year. And may it be a peaceful one, too.

Here are this year’s resolutions for 2019. I have repeated many from last year because – I have to admit – I haven’t got them quite right, yet.

Warmest regards to you and yours and may your 2019 be wonderful in every way!

  • This year I will keep in my mind and in my heart that we are all in this together.
  • This year I will do what is within my ability to make the world a more peaceful place.
  • This year I will be grateful to those who teach me important lessons by, for instance, letting me know when I am not interacting with humility and dignity.
  • This year I will be kinder to myself and others, and be even more careful with others’ feelings.
  • This year I will cherish my family and my friends and colleagues even more.
  • This year I will not judge.
  • This year I will approach conflicts with grace and remain true to myself.
  • This year I will honour that others strive to be true to themselves, too.
  • This year I will open my heart and mind wider and with more curiosity.
  • This year I will celebrate our differences and take heart in the knowledge that we all have lots of room in our hearts to love more and to love deeply.

What are your conflict resolutions for this year?

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“Calling Out”

Posted on December 18, 2018 by Cinnie Noble

The expression “calling out”, when it comes to interpersonal conflict dynamics, refers to identifying someone’s bad behavior and by doing so letting her or him know our feelings about it. The words called out and why are the subject of today’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog.

If you have called someone out about something, the essential consideration will be about identifying what led you to this place. It’s often the case that our motivation comes from a deeply held value or need that the other person has threatened or challenged by her or his words, actions and attitude. Similarly, it might be that the person’s behaviour insulted and offended us, or another person we care about, or an opinion or subject about a matter very dear to us. Whatever the case, we cannot or do not want to refrain from letting the person know it’s simply not okay to say or do what they did.

If, on the other hand, you have been “called out” the shame, embarrassment and loss of face can be extremely difficult. The relationship with the other person is threatened (as it would be in the previous scenario); our sense of self and identity are undermined; and our emotional reactions have an impact on our resilience.

Consider these questions with respect to the above:

  • Consider one scenario when you called someone out. What was the context? And what did you say to the other person that may be referred to as calling her or him out?
  • What motivated you to say that? What were you feeling at the time about her or him?
  • How did the other person react?
  • What did calling out achieve?
  • What was the main message you were wanting to convey? What is most important to you about that message?
  • If you were to frame that message as a request instead, what would that request be?
  • If you have been “called out” by someone, consider one scenario when that occurred. What did the other person say? What impact did that have on you?
  • What was the main message she or he was conveying, as you heard it? What might have made that important to the other person?
  • If the person framed that message as a request, what might the request have been?
  • What purpose does calling out serve as the person calling out? What purpose does it serve as the person on the receiving end?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
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Moving On After Conflict

Posted on December 11, 2018 by Cinnie Noble

For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular last year. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted October 31, 2017):

The confusion and internal chaos that conflict can, at times, wreak on us accounts, in part, for the desire to move past it and get over it as soon as possible. Often we also want the other person to do so. On the other hand, there are times we might find we are disappointed when she or he moves on too soon.

We vary in our post-conflict reactions and these reactions differ for many reasons. They may depend on factors such as who the other person is, the situation, the degree of hurt we or they experience, our contribution, the outcome and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog is an opportunity to consider your sensibilities post-conflict about a specific situation that you are having trouble moving on from.

  • What was the situation?
  • What seems to be making it challenging for you to move on?
  • What specifically are you holding onto?
  • What remains most unresolved for you about that (your answer to the previous question)?
  • What would it take for you to be able to move on?
  • How likely is that to happen (your answer to the previous question)?
  • If you moved on, what would you miss most that seems to be something you are holding onto?
  • How do you describe your continuing emotions about the situation and the other person?
  • If you moved on, with what feelings would you like to replace the current ones?
  • You might not be ready to move on or even want to. If that’s the case, why do you think that is?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
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Eat My Words

Posted on December 4, 2018 by Cinnie Noble

For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular last year. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted September 26, 2017):

One explanation of expression “eating our words” is “To regret or retract what one has said”.

This phrase often arises after a conflict when we are aware we have said something that contributed adversely to the conversation. Typically, we want to take back what we said, knowing we have already caused hurt and unnecessarily escalated the dispute.

The image of “eating our words” is a strange one when you think about it – letters being consumed and swallowed! It is not likely that we digest them well!!

I suggest that you consider a dispute you were in in which you wish you could have “eaten your words” – taking back what was said – when answering the following questions:

  • What was the situation about?
  • What did you say that you wish you hadn’t?
  • What specific words would you like to take back?
  • What precluded you from withholding what you said?
  • What else might have precluded you from finding other ways to express your words?
  • What was the impact on the other person of the words you used?
  • What was the impact on you of using those words?
  • What would make it especially hard for you to digest the words you wish you hadn’t said (if you were to eat your words)?
  • What words might you have used to express yourself instead of the ones you would now eat?
  • How might you stop yourself in a future dispute from being in a position where you could eat your words afterwards?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
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Conflict Can Lead to a Heavy Heart

Posted on November 27, 2018 by Cinnie Noble

For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular last year. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted September 5, 2017):

Since the 1300s the adjective heavy – referring to the heart – has been used in the sense of “weighed down with grief or sadness”.

Having a ‘heavy heart’ is a vivid expression that most of us can relate to for different reasons. For instance, when our hearts are heavy, as a consequence of conflict, whether we experience sadness, loss, anger or other emotions, there is an immobilizing sense that we are unable to move on. We might feel we are at a standstill that precludes us from thinking clearly, making decisions, problem-solving and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a time you had a ‘heavy heart’ after a conflict.

  • What was the incident that led you to having a ‘heavy heart’?
  • What specifically resulted in that feeling?
  • If you were to put a weight on the heaviest you feel in pounds/kg, what would that be?
  • What is the heaviest part of that (your answer to the previous question)?
  • If you were to begin to shed some of the weight, which feelings, part of the incident, etc. would you be able to let go of?
  • What do you supposed you would hold onto longest in the heaviness you are experiencing?
  • Why is that (your answer to the previous question)?
  • What do you gain by holding onto the heaviness?
  • What amount of heaviness (in pounds/kg) would you feel if the heaviness was eased for you to be able to move on in peace? What would help – at this point in time – to ease the heavy feelings do you think (if you want to do so)?
  • If heaviness in your heart has lifted at all, what facilitated that?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
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