I don’t know about you – but there are many times I “second-guess” what I said or did in some conflict situations. Or, I might “second-guess” what bothered me in the first place.

The term second-guess has various definitions and for the purpose of this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog I’ll refer to Cambridge Dictionary’s meaning. That definition suggests second-guessing as the act of criticizing someone’s actions or event after it has happened. Considering this definition and the context then, second-guessing in conflict is the act of criticizing ourselves or the other person about the thinking, deeds, words, ways of interacting and so on relating to a fractious interaction. On this basis, here are some questions to consider about a situation in which you are second-guessing your part or the other person’s.

• What did you do or say that you are now second-guessing?
• About what specifically are you criticizing yourself? Why are you particularly critical of that?
• What motivated your actions, words, etc. that you are criticizing?
• What does your motivation reflect about what you needed at the time?
• What did you want that you weren’t getting?
• What first guess(es) might have been better for you? What first guess(es) might have been better for the other person?
• What different outcome might there be if you had chosen the first guess you referred to in the previous question?
• What are you second-guessing about the other person’s words, actions, etc.?
• What positive intent might the person have had that you didn’t consider at the time?
• What might keep you from second-guessing the next time you are faced with a similar situation?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

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It’s a common phenomenon that we question ourselves when we are in conflict. For me, the unknown hovers and I have lots of questions. For instance: I question if the issue is worth fighting for; I wonder why a certain act or look provokes me; I think about what the root of my upset is; I consider whether to just try to let “it” go; or I ponder the pros and cons of raising the matter.

It seems these and other questions come up for me at a conscious and subconscious level when I find my emotions escalating about something another person says or does, or it might be an attitude, manner or way of interacting that provokes a reaction in me. I don’t always answer the questions that come to mind, but this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to contemplate the questions AND the answers. I suggest you start by bringing to mind a conflict situation that is giving you unsettling feelings – anger, upset, hurt, etc.

• How might you describe the emotions you are experiencing about this situation?
• What are the questions you are asking yourself about the conflict? Yourself? The other person?
• Which one of your questions (above) feels most compelling to answer?
• Which one are you most afraid of answering?
• Why do you fear those particular ones (your answer to the previous question)?
• What question(s) need to be answered that you are not asking yourself?
• What do you not know about yourself in the situation? About the other person?
• What doesn’t the other person know about you?
• What question(s) would you like to ask the other person?
• What answer(s) might the other person give that would help you most?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict
#conflictmanagement
#conflictresolution

In the past few years I’m increasingly aware of the use and application of the word “repurposing”. It seems to apply to so many things – repurposing junk, clothes, furniture, gifts and so on. So, why not repurpose conflict?

As I thought about the concept of repurposing conflict, I considered that I don’t always know the real purpose for my conflicts. Do you? We might want to “win” a point about an issue, get our way, defend our viewpoint, assert how and why we disagree with someone else’s perspective, change something that upsets us, and so on. I must admit, I sometimes lose sight of the reason for my upset or underlying need and instead get caught up in the tense dynamic – losing my purpose.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog asks you to bring a conflict to mind as you answer this series of questions:

• What is the conflict about?
• What is the purpose of the conflict, from your perspective?
• What makes the purpose worth fighting about?
• How might the other person describe the purpose, from her or his perspective?
• What makes the purpose worth fighting about for her or him?
• What are you gaining from the conflict?
• What are you losing from the conflict?
• If you were to repurpose the conflict, what would its purpose be that you could discuss in a conciliatory way?
• What specific “junk” from the conflict will you repurpose? What purpose will you give it instead?
• What makes the repurpose better for you? What makes the repurpose better for the other person?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

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#conflictmanagementcoaching