It’s a common phenomenon that we question ourselves when we are in conflict. For me, the unknown hovers and I have lots of questions. For instance: I question if the issue is worth fighting for; I wonder why a certain act or look provokes me; I think about what the root of my upset is; I consider whether to just try to let “it” go; or I ponder the pros and cons of raising the matter.

It seems these and other questions come up for me at a conscious and subconscious level when I find my emotions escalating about something another person says or does, or it might be an attitude, manner or way of interacting that provokes a reaction in me. I don’t always answer the questions that come to mind, but this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to contemplate the questions AND the answers. I suggest you start by bringing to mind a conflict situation that is giving you unsettling feelings – anger, upset, hurt, etc.

• How might you describe the emotions you are experiencing about this situation?
• What are the questions you are asking yourself about the conflict? Yourself? The other person?
• Which one of your questions (above) feels most compelling to answer?
• Which one are you most afraid of answering?
• Why do you fear those particular ones (your answer to the previous question)?
• What question(s) need to be answered that you are not asking yourself?
• What do you not know about yourself in the situation? About the other person?
• What doesn’t the other person know about you?
• What question(s) would you like to ask the other person?
• What answer(s) might the other person give that would help you most?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict
#conflictmanagement
#conflictresolution

In the past few years I’m increasingly aware of the use and application of the word “repurposing”. It seems to apply to so many things – repurposing junk, clothes, furniture, gifts and so on. So, why not repurpose conflict?

As I thought about the concept of repurposing conflict, I considered that I don’t always know the real purpose for my conflicts. Do you? We might want to “win” a point about an issue, get our way, defend our viewpoint, assert how and why we disagree with someone else’s perspective, change something that upsets us, and so on. I must admit, I sometimes lose sight of the reason for my upset or underlying need and instead get caught up in the tense dynamic – losing my purpose.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog asks you to bring a conflict to mind as you answer this series of questions:

• What is the conflict about?
• What is the purpose of the conflict, from your perspective?
• What makes the purpose worth fighting about?
• How might the other person describe the purpose, from her or his perspective?
• What makes the purpose worth fighting about for her or him?
• What are you gaining from the conflict?
• What are you losing from the conflict?
• If you were to repurpose the conflict, what would its purpose be that you could discuss in a conciliatory way?
• What specific “junk” from the conflict will you repurpose? What purpose will you give it instead?
• What makes the repurpose better for you? What makes the repurpose better for the other person?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching

Some conflicts we have with our co-workers, friends, family and others seem to stay with us. Sometimes they linger long after the dispute is, for all intents and purposes, over. One of the consequences is a continuing distrust of the other person and ongoing feelings such as anger, despair and vulnerability.

If we examine why we do not move past the dispute that appeared to be over or resolved, it helps to find a theme. Is it the same person, the specific trigger point, the values that we perceive are being undermined, the assumptions we are making, the issues and so on?

To become conflict masterful – to be resilient and able to move on from our disputes – it helps to take a close look at the sorts of dynamics that keep them alive in our minds, hearts and souls. It also helps to consider what could replace the thoughts and feelings to help us move on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog repeats a common theme in conflict (and this blog) about letting go. This time you are invited to add another consideration though – how might you replace the tension and other feelings? Consider a dispute you are holding onto when answering the following questions:

• What is the dispute about?
• What feelings are lingering?
• What is unfinished for you?
• What do you wish you had said? What do you wish you had asked? What do you wish you had done differently?
• What else might be keeping you engaged in this conflict?
• If you were to let go, what emotional baggage would you get rid of?
• With what positive feelings might you replace those emotions (your answer to the previous question)? With what positive thoughts might you replace your negative ones about the other person?
• What else might help you move on?
• When you replace the feelings and thoughts with others and start to let go, what will you think about yourself that will be different?
• What may you say to the other person such that she or he will realize you have replaced your negative thoughts and feelings with more positive ones?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching

There are times when I’ve found myself reacting poorly to something another person says or does and then, discover I misinterpreted their intent. This may have happened to you too and, like I have, end up realizing you have made a big deal out of something that didn’t warrant a negative attribution or reaction.

Why do we do this? I’m not sure. But I think there are times we expect something off-putting from the other person because of our history or unconscious bias. That is, our brains have become primed to interpret the other person’s actions in ways that support our assumptions. Another reason may be we feel guilty about something we ourselves said or did and act out as some sort of justification. These and other reasons might account for a tendency to misinterpret or mis-attribute the other person’s motives.

In this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog, the questions aim to deconstruct the journey taken in a conflict situation to see if another pathway opens up different, less malevolent perspectives.

• What specifically provokes you about the other person?
• What impact does that have on you?
• What reasons have you attributed to the other person for why she or he says or does that?
• What supports these assumptions about her or him from other experiences, people, etc.?
• If there are other possible reasons for the person’s deeds or words that are more positive, what might they be?
• If you have said or done something similar, what reasons have you done so?
• If your best friend said or did that, what reasons may you attribute to her or him for doing so? How would your reaction be the same? Different?
• What would make what the other person said or did not as bad as you initially thought?
• What reasons would you consider forgivable, understandable and feel less upset about?
• What difference would it make to your relationship with this person if you replaced the negative attributions with more positive ones?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching