Pooh is a lot smarter than I am. I admit – I am reticent to ask for help when I am going through a bad time – including an interpersonal or (for that matter) an internal conflict. Truthfully, I seem to prefer to be there for others but, have trouble asking for help myself. My reasons vary – depending on the situation.

At times, I am not always sure what I want or need. Or, I feel ashamed about how I interacted and am worried about being judged (I’m already doing enough of that!). Sometimes, I don’t want to be seen as unable to manage the situation; other times, I am not sure I am able to express what’s really going on for me. Also, I don’t find everyone listens well, or can curb a tendency to give their advice, albeit well-meaning. And then, there are some who personalize my situation by telling me all about a situation when the exact same thing happened to them! Know what I mean?

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to explore why you are not asking for help and what sort of help you would find most important regarding a current  interpersonal conflict that you are agonizing about. Or, maybe the conflict happened in the past and you are still ruminating about it. In either case, if you are feeling reluctant to ask for help I suggest you consider if these questions shed some light on a way forward.

• What is your interpersonal conflict about?
• What sorts of things are you agonizing about most?
• What else feels especially hard about this particular conflict?
• What unresolved feelings linger for you? What else remains unresolved?
• What themes are there about the sorts of things you are agonizing about with respect to this conflict and others you have experienced?
• What do you need or want right now in the form of help?  What makes that or those things particularly important for you?
• What makes it hard to ask for help? What are the themes about why you feel reluctant to ask for help with this and other conflicts?
• When you have been in similar situations, what sort of help has been most meaningful? Who or what has been most helpful?
• If you were to reach out about this conflict, who might you call on? What could you say since you are feeling reluctant about reaching out?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#solution-focused
#disputeresolution

“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” ~ C.S. Lewis

This is one of those timeless quotes that applies to so many aspects of our lives – and is especially timely, these days. As we try to manage our lives during the pandemic, while wondering what life will be like going forward, we have an opportunity to be purposeful about both in positive ways.

Granted the ‘new normal’ seems elusive just yet, and the truth for me, and most people I know, is that life feels unsettled as we try to adapt and consider what next. One other truth is that these days are a chance to ‘reset’ – to change things that weren’t quite as we wanted pre-Covoid-19. Our choices might seem limited right now. But, it is still a good time to take stock – to be curious – and begin the journey of considering and making decisions that align with what we really want and need – to be better, different, more exciting, more interesting, more joyful, more loving, more compassionate, more dignified – or whatever (else) we are wanting and needing!

The same approach goes for our interpersonal conflicts – the theme of this week’s blog. As with other aspects of our lives, when it comes to our ‘fights’ with  friends, partners, colleagues, co-workers, family members, clients and others we have choices about how we react, how we manage ourselves, how we set our minds and intentions to engage with the other person, and so on. It doesn’t usually feel that we have such choices  in the midst of a conflict. But the reality is, if we consciously reflect on changing the way we look at the other person, ourselves, the issues in dispute AND how we interact we can effect a shift in the dynamic to be less fractious and more solution-focused. In this way, we are more purposeful about the ending that we can co-create with the other person.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider an argument (disagreement, conflict, dispute) you are currently having with another person. Or, if you are not in an interpersonal conflict these days, consider one you have had that remains unresolved as you answer these questions:

• What is the conflict about? Where does the conflict appear to be going? What ending do you fear?
• What are you currently thinking about the other person? What emotions are you experiencing?
• How might the other person describe what’s going on between you?
• What might the person be thinking about you? What emotions might they be experiencing?
• What are you most curious about?
• How would you like matters to be resolved going forward? What do you want for the relationship?
• How might the other person want matters resolved? What do you think their want is for your relationship?
• What choices do you have to make a shift in what you are thinking and feeling to change the ending that you fear? How might you be able to settle things in a way that is mutually acceptable (or that satisfies you in the long run if you aren’t wanting a mutually satisfactory resolution)?
• What might you say to the other person that they wouldn’t expect to hear from you – that would help shift their thinking and feeling about you – for the better (if that is what you want)?
• What else might you say or do to change the ending to be one about which you feel satisfied?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#solution-focused
#wayforward
#disputeresolution

This quote can apply to so many situations. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog considers it within the context of a conflict on its way to being resolved – but not quite there.

It’s an important place – the transitional space between negative emotions upset, overwhelm or being preoccupied and the space where we feel settled, resolved or relieved. The space between can be rich with learning, insights and acceptance and it’s important to honour it and ourselves within this place and the transition.

If you are in this space between unpeace and peace, these questions are ones to reflect on as you take stock:

• What is the situation?
• How might you describe the space without peace as yet?
• How do you describe what peace will be? What will that be like for you?
• What are the challenges for you in the transition between unpeace and peace?
• How is that feeling – the transitional space?
• What do you want to be feeling in the peace space that you are not feeling right now?
• How do you want the other person to be experiencing peace? How might you facilitate that, if you want to?
• What did you learn about yourself in the unpeace space? What did you learn about yourself in the transition space?
• How might the transitional space be most effectively used?
• What have you learned or are you learning about the other person in the conflict between you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict
#conflictmanagement
#conflictresolution
#questions
#ADR

First and foremost, I hope this finds you and yours well and healthy.

These are such stressful times as we isolate due to virus! We are without the usual external resources, the variety, the accomplishments, the camaraderie that help us get through our daily lives as usual. Change of routine is hard at the best of times. Uncertainty –  the unknown – might give us nightmares and increase our fears of all sorts – unsettling our balance and distracting us with worry. Missing the direct company of friends, family and work and play  associates, without hugs from family and friends, without knowing when life will gain some sort of normalcy – even the new normal but at least,  a state of knowing what that is going to happen and when – these and other stresses, too, have an impact on our lives as we know them right now. And that also means our ability to handle interpersonal conflict within our closed quarters might be compromised along with everything else that normally maintains our equilibrium.

I hear from some of my conflict coaching clients how time on their hands and the stresses they feel are leading to more disputes within their households. If the relationships within the family or couple unit already have some challenges, stress is often heightened.  There may be a tendency to resort to behaviours that don’t serve us well, to take our frustrations out on others, to act in ways that are unproductive and even destructive to our well-being and those around us.

Though we have the ability to choose one thought over the other, as the quote here states, that isn’t easy at times like these. The questions for this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invite you to take a conflict situation happening for you now, if there is one, in which your negative thoughts are prevalent. See if the following questions are of help – perhaps, to shift your thoughts to ones that are more constructive.

How would you describe the stress you are experiencing right now as a consequence of the news about the pandemic and isolation?

What sorts of thoughts dominate your thinking these days?

What is the interpersonal conflict about that is going on within your household, or with someone else outside of your household?

What are you thinking about the other person in this conflict? What are you attributing to them (what characteristics and assumptions are you making about them, for instance)?

Which of your thoughts do you know are true about the person?

Which of your thoughts are ones that might be due to the stress you are experiencing about the pandemic news, isolation etc. or heightened as a consequence? What of their behaviours might reflect what they are experiencing about the state of things right now?

What are you thinking about yourself in this conflict? What do you want to be thinking about yourself in this conflict?

What might the other person be thinking about you? What might they be attributing to you (what characteristics and assumptions might they be making about you, for instance)?

If you were to shift your thinking to more positive thoughts about the other person, what might they be (such as characteristics that you know about the other person when things are going well, thoughts that you might use to replace the ones you have built up but are not necessarily true, etc.)?

Knowing you are  ‘at choice’ about what are you thinking about yourself too, which thoughts will you choose to think about yourself – ones that reflect your inner strength and goodness and those characteristics you can usually count on to reduce your stress – to help improve the dynamic between you and the other person?

What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?

What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict
#conflictmanagement
#conflictresolution
#questions
#ADR