First and foremost, I hope this finds you and yours well and healthy.

These are such stressful times as we isolate due to virus! We are without the usual external resources, the variety, the accomplishments, the camaraderie that help us get through our daily lives as usual. Change of routine is hard at the best of times. Uncertainty –  the unknown – might give us nightmares and increase our fears of all sorts – unsettling our balance and distracting us with worry. Missing the direct company of friends, family and work and play  associates, without hugs from family and friends, without knowing when life will gain some sort of normalcy – even the new normal but at least,  a state of knowing what that is going to happen and when – these and other stresses, too, have an impact on our lives as we know them right now. And that also means our ability to handle interpersonal conflict within our closed quarters might be compromised along with everything else that normally maintains our equilibrium.

I hear from some of my conflict coaching clients how time on their hands and the stresses they feel are leading to more disputes within their households. If the relationships within the family or couple unit already have some challenges, stress is often heightened.  There may be a tendency to resort to behaviours that don’t serve us well, to take our frustrations out on others, to act in ways that are unproductive and even destructive to our well-being and those around us.

Though we have the ability to choose one thought over the other, as the quote here states, that isn’t easy at times like these. The questions for this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invite you to take a conflict situation happening for you now, if there is one, in which your negative thoughts are prevalent. See if the following questions are of help – perhaps, to shift your thoughts to ones that are more constructive.

How would you describe the stress you are experiencing right now as a consequence of the news about the pandemic and isolation?

What sorts of thoughts dominate your thinking these days?

What is the interpersonal conflict about that is going on within your household, or with someone else outside of your household?

What are you thinking about the other person in this conflict? What are you attributing to them (what characteristics and assumptions are you making about them, for instance)?

Which of your thoughts do you know are true about the person?

Which of your thoughts are ones that might be due to the stress you are experiencing about the pandemic news, isolation etc. or heightened as a consequence? What of their behaviours might reflect what they are experiencing about the state of things right now?

What are you thinking about yourself in this conflict? What do you want to be thinking about yourself in this conflict?

What might the other person be thinking about you? What might they be attributing to you (what characteristics and assumptions might they be making about you, for instance)?

If you were to shift your thinking to more positive thoughts about the other person, what might they be (such as characteristics that you know about the other person when things are going well, thoughts that you might use to replace the ones you have built up but are not necessarily true, etc.)?

Knowing you are  ‘at choice’ about what are you thinking about yourself too, which thoughts will you choose to think about yourself – ones that reflect your inner strength and goodness and those characteristics you can usually count on to reduce your stress – to help improve the dynamic between you and the other person?

What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?

What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict
#conflictmanagement
#conflictresolution
#questions
#ADR

I really like this quote, for many reasons. For one, it reminds me that some conflicts are just not reconcilable. It happens that, at times, what another person says or does is totally unacceptable. Under these circumstances, and others that are really not solvable, there’s good reason to walk away and to believe in, respect and trust ourselves – to not give in, or fight, or try to change the other person.

This quote also reminds me that it takes courage to act on our beliefs, to face the situation face on, and boldly move on and away. Of course, it’s not so easy to walk away from some people and some situations. However, to do so with dignity and our heads held high means different things to different people. It may be that we do not second-guess, agonize or criticize ourselves after we courageously walk away. Rather, it is to show the wisdom and strength of our convictions by removing ourselves from a situation that is unproductive and unhealthy AND celebrating our dignified, bold selves for doing so.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider a conflict situation where you want to walk away and show wisdom and courage and dignity in doing so.

• What is the situation?
• What specifically is compelling you to walk away?
• What worries you most about doing so?
• What is wise about doing so?
• In other situations when you have acted wisely, what inner strength did you draw on that helped you?
• What does it usually take for you to be courageous? What inner strength do you know you have to be courageous?
• How will those traits (from answers to above two questions) – and others you have – facilitate your forward movement?
• What will your first step be?
• What are the next steps?
• How will you make sure you walk away with dignity?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict
#conflictmanagement
#conflictresolution
#questions
#ADR

I saw this quote in a restaurant and it gave me a big smile. It’s an occupational hazard that I see quotes such as these through a conflict management lens. As it happens, I considered this one ‘blog-worthy’!

In actual fact, it’s likely that our physical state can add to our emotional state when we become provoked, and not help our responses and how we hear things. Feeling hungry, fatigued, achy, unwell, stressed and other states of unbalance and vulnerability may well motivate us to react quicker and with more vehemence. When this is the case, we might act in ways we regret and provoke others into reactions (that they, too, may regret).

For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog, consider a time when you know your physical state contributed to an interpersonal conflict:

• What was the situation?
• What about your physical state contributed to your reaction?
• In what ways did your physical state contribute, i.e. what did you say or do?
• What happened between you and the other person as a consequence of your reaction?
• What would you have preferred to say or do?
• How did you explain yourself and your reaction, if you did? What understanding, if any, did the other person demonstrate in response to your explanation?
• What other physical states can you think of that have contributed to interacting in ways that are unproductive?
• What are the lessons you are learning from these questions?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict
#conflictmanagement
#conflictresolution
#questions
#ADR

There are so many quotes that I find interesting and this is one of them. I don’t know who wrote it, but it is a variation of similar sentiments expressed in other quotes that I also like such as, “What others think of me is none of my business”. My blog this week is about the underlying theme of these quotes as they pertain to how we think we are perceived and how this may contribute to conflict.

Think for a moment about a certain relationship in which things are unsettled. You may have had a falling out – or not – but, there is tension between you and a friend, colleague or family member and it’s creating anxiety and uncertainty. You may have made assumptions about the other person and their reasons for conducting themselves in certain ways that add to your growing apprehension about them and your relationship. This likely works both ways. That is, not only might you be perceiving things about the other that may (or may not) apply. They are also about you.

It is also common to create versions in our minds about the other person’s perceptions of us. We might let such thoughts enter our minds as we process the conflict and the impact it is having. And, the versions we and the other person create about one another may or may not be real. In any case, as the quote says, the other person is not responsible for our perceptions of them. Nor, are we responsible for their perceptions of us. Our perceptions are just that – they are what we each conjure up as a consequence of the emotions and other dynamic occurring between us.

If this topic appeals to you, consider these questions and see if any resonate for you:

• What conflict already happened or is currently going on between you and the other person that has led to you wondering about their perceptions of you?
• How, more specifically, might the other person have made those perceptions (i.e. what did you say or do or not say or do)?
• What part of what they might be perceiving is not legitimate based on your interactions?
• As far as you can tell, what version of you or the events between you that the other person is holding onto might be prolonging resolution of the conflict? How might you find out their version?
• What perception do you have of the other person and their contribution?
• What might they say they do not own about your perception(s)?
• As far as you can tell, what about your perception of that person and the events is prolonging the conflict?
• In what ways is the person’s version of you your responsibility? How so?
• In what way is your version of the other person their responsibility? How so?
• What version of the conflict and the other person might you consider as possible to help facilitate a shift in your thinking and feelings?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict
#conflictmanagement
#conflictresolution
#questions
#ADR

“Nobody ever forgets where he [sic] buried the hatchet.”
Kin Hubbard

This quote gave me a smile because I often hear situations from clients in my conflict management coaching practice about interactions that happened long ago with the person they are currently embroiled with in a dispute. They can easily describe the details as though it happened yesterday. This is often while saying that these matters had been resolved. For instance, clients might use this expression – ‘buried the hatchet’ – to indicate the previous dispute is over and yet, the same feelings seem to prevail. It sounds as though that hatchet didn’t really get buried!

In some research I did a few years ago, I found that the initial altercation or even a set of circumstances that started tension between many people can begin a trajectory that escalates over time (even if no external conflict occurs). That is, once irritated about certain behaviours, words or attitudes, we often tend to continue to react to similar or even different triggers with that person and build on our annoyances until they turn into disdain.

At these times, it is evident that attributions about the person’s motives often become increasingly negative such that they have little chance of redeeming themselves. At some point we may engage in a discussion in which our (mutual) feelings are shared, and the issues are seemingly resolved. But it happens for many that things aren’t fully resolved, and the hatchet is not always buried.

If you can think of a situation about which the hatchet has not been yet buried, this set of questions might be helpful to reflect on:

• What is that situation about which the hatchet is not yet buried?
• What is the hatchet for you?
• What more specifically makes that unresolved for you?
• What are you not letting go of or forgiving?
• What are you gaining by not burying the hatchet? What are you losing?
• What would things be like if you were able to bury the hatchet?
• What could the other person say or do that might help you facilitate the burying of the hatchet? What might keep them from saying or doing that?
• What might the hatchet be for the other person?
• What might you do to facilitate burying of the hatchet for that person?
• What keeps you from doing that (your answer to the previous question)?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict
#conflictmanagement
#conflictresolution
#questions
#ADR