The metaphor of an iceberg has commonly been used as a metaphor about conflict. This is on the basis that there are things above the surface that show themselves and then, there is all that is going on underneath. Compared to conflict, some things are obvious to the disputants (and often others) that reflect the dynamic between them, the issues in dispute, and other aspects of the existing dissension. These are above the water ‘line’.

Below the water line is much more. There are hopes, expectations, emotions, needs, values, beliefs, and other deeply held views and feelings. Our individual and collective histories that we bring to the issues in dispute are in the mass below the surface, too. While, for all intents and purposes, this underlying mass appears to be unnoticed or remains unspoken, it has an enormous impact on the interaction. Indeed, it is an integral part of the conflict and who we are within it, within ourselves, and within the relationship.

Yes, some things may be best left unexplored or untouched. However, without increased self-discovery of what is below the surface, we miss the opportunity to better understand and reconcile our motivations and expectations. And to consider what ought to be shared and discussed, and what needs to remain dormant to reach the optimum outcome.

For these Conflict Mastery Quest(ions), consider a conflict in which you see or feel that only the tip of the iceberg is showing itself.

• What about the conflict do you think is fully evident to you and the other person?

  What lies beneath that is evident for you but is not likely evident to the other person?

• What concerns you that may be going on for the other person that is not evident to you?
• What outcome do you want?
• Why is that outcome important to you?
• What do you want to leave below the surface?
• How will that help you reach the outcome you want?
• What is there to be gained for the other person if you leave that below the surface?
• What may the other person want to leave below the surface? Why do you suppose?
• Thinking about all this now, what needs to come to the surface to reach the optimum outcome – even though it may be challenging for you and/or the other person?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution

This quote refers to a common phenomenon for many of us when we are in conflict and the need to be right trumps the possibility of accepting another perspective. Considering alternative ideas as legitimate, backing down, being okay with acknowledging another resolution or way of approaching a matter, being wrong – these and other choices can be elusive when we get stuck in our own rightness. And often, asserting that stance – of having to be right – only serves to support a need to make the other person wrong. That is, it doesn’t facilitate collaborative communications, mutually acceptable resolutions, or a way to reconcile our differences.

It’s not that there’s one reason for asserting our view as the right one – and taking on the job of proving it so. It may be we are  so attached to our perspective that we cannot imagine or accept another outcome as viable. Or, perhaps we already have proof – reasons to believe in our view over the other person’s. Some other reasons that compel this approach may have to do with self-centredness and conceit, hating to be wrong, afraid of being wrong or giving in, disdain for the other person, lack of creativity, openness and flexibility to name a few.

If you have a tendency to assert your perspective rather than change your mind, consider a specific situation when you have done this as you answer the set of questions in this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog.

• What is the situation about?
• What is the view (solution, answer) you are asserting?
• What makes that the right perspective (solution, answer)?
• Why does the other person not agree with your perspective?
• What does the other person assert as the solution or answer?
• What makes their view wrong as far as you are concerned?
• What makes their view right as far as they are concerned?
• If you were to give up any part of what you are asserting what part would that be? How would that be for you? For the other person?
• What part might the other person give up that would make a mutually acceptable  solution more likely (if you like that idea)?
• What difference does it make to you whether or not you prove your view as the ‘right’ one?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution