One of the things I observe about some conflict management coaching clients is a tendency to try to resolve their disputes too quickly. I’ve done this myself and found that such attempts can often backfire. This is even if those of us who reach out too fast have resolution and positive intent motivating us. Other times the reasoning might be a matter of trying to move on so we can feel better and get past the high emotions and adverse impact on the relationship.

Whatever the intent may be for trying to resolve matters in a timely way, it isn’t always the case that the other person is ready. So, the above actions and others aimed at getting past the dissension may be experienced as far-reaching (in a negative way), too aggressive, unthinking and, generally, not the optimal approach.

Previous blogs have discussed the importance of methodical preparation when embarking on a difficult conversation. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog talks about methodical ways to move on from an interpersonal dispute by considering not only our readiness and intent but also, the other person’s. As in the photo here, one small step at a time is often the more prudent approach rather than trying to reach for something that’s not quite (yet) there.

To answer the questions below I suggest you consider a dispute you have had that ended poorly, and you want to resolve matters as soon as possible.

• What happened in this conflict between you and the other person? How did things end?
• How are you feeling about this conflict right now? What do you know about how the other person is feeling about things?
• What is motivating you mostly to resolve matters?
• What would resolution look like for you?
• What might the other person want as a resolution?
• How ready are you to resolve matters on a scale of 1-10, 10 being very?
• Where might the other person be on the scale, from what you know about them?
• If you don’t know the answer to the above question or the number is lower than yours, what might be a first step in determining their readiness?
• What else do you want or need to consider about trying to resolve matters before you proceed? What does this step involve that you haven’t contemplated yet?
• What value is there in going slowly – thinking out the steps and the other person’s possible responses before proceeding?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution

One of the reasons many of us back away from conflict or yield to the other person is because we fear our truth – the truth of what we have to say and are feeling – will hurt the other person. We might fear they will react in a way we will not be able to handle. We may think they will end the relationship or retaliate somehow.

As a consequence of these fears and others, we may tend to sugar-coat our feelings, lie a little, dismiss the importance, make light of the situation and our feelings, change the subject quickly, and a host of other responses. When we hide our feelings and are not being true to ourselves we often end up hurting ourselves. We feel dishonest, inauthentic, sad, dissatisfied, unfulfilled, unresolved and we may fall into self-blame and other destructive feelings that serve no purpose – other than more of these sorts of emotions that tend to keep us immobilized.

Telling the truth is not always the easiest thing to do, of course, when whatever we fear keeps us from doing so. The fears may become even larger because we know our voices will quiver and getting the message out will be difficult – we might think impossible.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider a truth you need and want to express though you fear your voice may shake or you won’t communicate as effectively as you want.

• What is the situation?
• What is your truth that you want to express to the other person regarding this conflict ?
• What’s most important to you about that truth that you want the other person to hear?
• What has kept you from expressing that truth – such as, what are your fears about the other person’s reaction?
• What is working for you by not raising this truth?
• What is not working for you besides the fact that the other person doesn’t know what you have to say?
• What is the best result that could happen if you voice your truth?
• If you don’t express your truth what then?
• If your voice shakes or you otherwise converse in a way that shows you are uncomfortable why does that matter?
• What matters most – speaking the truth even if it’s in a shaky voice or not stating the truth?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution

“The bravest thing you can do is be unafraid to feel”- Bridgett Devoue

When we feel emotional about a conflict – hurt, anger, betrayal, disappointment, and so on – it is a clear sign that something important to us is being challenged or threatened or undermined. That might seem like an understatement. However, the importance of acknowledging what emotions we are experiencing and why cannot be overstated. That is, it’s important and brave to remain unafraid to feel what is going on for us at these times.

This is for many reasons, one of which is that when we step back – and identify the emotions and to what they relate – we gain a better understanding of what motivated our reactions and ongoing ruminations. Also, by taking some time and thinking things out a bit, we start to make a shift to reflection from reaction, which helps move us into a more productive mind set. That shift often facilitates the ability to gain a better perspective, including an understanding of what is motivating the other person. Or, at least, we might move into a better head space to be able to engage them in a conversation – rather than a confrontation – about what is going on between us.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider an interpersonal dispute about which you are aware you are feeling afraid to let yourself feel or name your emotions about the other person, the situation or yourself.

• What is the dispute about?
• What three words describe what you are feeling about the other person?
• What three words describe what you are feeling about yourself?
• What are you afraid of feeling?
• What are you afraid of saying to the other person?
• What is the brave thing to do about the situation?
• What is the brave thing to say?
• What is the brave thing to feel about yourself?
• If you were to feel what you are keeping inside, what do you fear might happen?
• If you were to express what you are feeling how might that help?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution

For this week I thought I would bring back a blog that was very popular a few years ago. So, this one is from the archives:

The metaphor of an iceberg has commonly been used as a metaphor about conflict. This is on the basis that there are things above the surface that show themselves and then, there is all that is going on underneath. Compared to conflict, some things are obvious to the disputants (and often others) that reflect the dynamic between them, the issues in dispute, and other aspects of the existing dissension. These are above the water ‘line’.

Below the water line is much more. There are hopes, expectations, emotions, needs, values, beliefs, and other deeply held views and feelings. Our individual and collective histories that we bring to the issues in dispute are in the mass below the surface, too. While, for all intents and purposes, this underlying mass appears to be unnoticed or remains unspoken, it has an enormous impact on the interaction. Indeed, it is an integral part of the conflict and who we are within it, within ourselves, and within the relationship.

Yes, some things may be best left unexplored or untouched. However, without increased self-discovery of what is below the surface, we miss the opportunity to better understand and reconcile our motivations and expectations. And to consider what ought to be shared and discussed, and what needs to remain dormant to reach the optimum outcome.

For these Conflict Mastery Quest(ions), consider a conflict in which you see or feel that only the tip of the iceberg is showing itself.

• What about the conflict do you think is fully evident to you and the other person?
• What lies beneath that is evident for you but is not likely evident to the other person?
• What concerns you that may be going on for the other person that is not evident to you?
• What outcome do you want?
• Why is that outcome important to you?
• What do you want to leave below the surface?
• How will that help you reach the outcome you want?
• What is there to be gained for the other person if you leave that below the surface?
• What may the other person want to leave below the surface? Why do you suppose?
• Thinking about all this now, what needs to come to the surface to reach the optimum outcome – even though it may be challenging for you and/or the other person?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution