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Fleeing When In Conflict

Posted on September 11, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

One of the ways many of us deal with interpersonal conflict as soon as we get a whiff of it or it begins to evolve is to take flight. We may want to rise above it and just get away from any of the related tension. Or, we may fear a range of repercussions such as harsh words, upset, hostility, ongoing negativity, and so on. These and other reasons lead many of us to flee!

It takes courage to be in conflict and it takes courage to know when to walk or run away from it, too. A pattern of choosing to flee as a way of handling conflict may, however, be detrimental to us and our relationships. Things don’t get discussed or resolved; hurt and other related feelings linger; assumptions build; distance develops; etc.

It isn’t necessarily an easy task to determine when flight is the optimum approach. However, it helps to consider any inclination to run away from conflict. This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog invites you to reflect on any tendency to choose flight over other techniques that may serve you and the situation better. Please consider a specific time you chose to flee when responding here.

  • What do you think you were fleeing from? Or, if fleeing is a common habit, what are you fleeing from at these times?
  • What were/are you fleeing to?
  • What makes flight the optimum way to manage conflict? Not so optimum?
  • What fears do you have about yourself at the times you choose to flee?
  • What fears do you have about the other person at these times?
  • What do you need most from the other person when you are beginning to consider fleeing from a conflict situation?
  • What alternatives to fleeing may serve you better?
  • How would that choice (those choices) be better?
  • Which one resonates most as something you would like to do?
  • What do you need to overcome to be able to take that approach?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Conflict Habits, Fleeing | 6 Comments

Fighting When in Conflict

Posted on September 4, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Fighting with others is not a necessary part of being in conflict, though for many people these are synonymous. The inclination to fight is one reaction when we are having an interpersonal disagreement with another person. The situation, the person, the stakes, the degree we perceive the offense, and so on are variables that determine which approach we take when provoked and the extent to which we react. However, it is likely that certain behaviours we have come to use routinely, such as fighting, fleeing, or freezing, become our defaults – even when we gain conflict mastery. Since we have a choice and have the ability to learn ways to shift our habitual reactions, it helps to explore our tendencies.

Though fleeing and freezing consume much energy, fighting seems to soak up and dispel negativity that is more likely to increase the tension and discord. Things we say when we fight are often rife with inflammatory words and sentiments that offend and incite. As a consequence, issues get distorted and displaced. Old hurts are regurgitated. Positions become entrenched. Scars are made or get deeper and so on. Essentially, what is being fought for and why seem to remain unanswered questions as reason escapes us and we talk from a place of hurt and anger and other strong emotions.

In answering this week’s questions about the tendency to fight when in conflict, consider a disagreement you are currently having or have recently been embroiled in, in fighting mode.

  • What are you fighting for in that dispute?
  • What is important to you about that?
  • What do you need from the other person that he or she is not delivering on?
  • What do you gain from fighting? Lose?
  • If you lose (lost) the fight, how would (did) that impact you? How would (did) it impact the other person?
  • What does ‘winning’ look like for you? For the other person?
  • If you didn’t fight, what may happen?
  • What may you consider doing instead of fighting?
  • What impact would that have on you? The other person?
  • What win-win is worth fighting for in that situation?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Arguing, Fighting | Leave a comment

Freezing When in Conflict

Posted on July 31, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

When considering that one response to being provoked is to freeze, this week’s blog encourages thinking about what that means and what to do about it. So, what does freezing mean in the context of conflict? It may be a matter of becoming hard and cold internally or towards the other person or both. It may also be a reaction that reflects feeling immobilized. We feel powerless to know what to say or do. Typically, our brains are ‘on hold’ and we are not able to think at these times. These and other ways that freezing affects us have a huge impact on the journey that our interpersonal conflicts take. That is, if we freeze, regardless of the form it takes, the result of such a response effects the outcome.

Freezing may be our reaction and it may be the other person’s. Or, it may occur for just one of us. In any case, it helps to reflect on what is happening at these times that may exacerbate conflict or deflect conflict or serve some other purpose.  For today’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) then, it is best to consider a conflict you are experiencing in its beginning stages or one you are in the midst of and find yourself freezing. You may even look at a previous conflict when this phenomenon occurred as you answer the following questions:

  • How does freezing happen for you when you are in conflict?
  • What does that feel like?
  • What is actually ‘frozen’ at these times for you?
  • How do you describe what you have observed in others who freeze in conflict?
  • What does that feel like for you?
  • What impact does freezing have on the other person and the interaction when you freeze?
  • How would you describe the opposite of freezing in the context of conflict?
  • What positive outcomes come from freezing? Negative?
  • What would it take for you to thaw out when you freeze, if you wanted to?
  • What could you do to help the other person thaw out?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Freezing, Getting Unstuck, Reactions | 6 Comments

Feeling Confused in Conflict

Posted on July 24, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

In the midst of conflict, it is common to feel confused – wondering what is happening and why, experiencing mixed emotions, feeling out of control or immobilized, and so on. At these times, we often don’t have a sense of what to do or what to say. Since our confusion obviously interferes with our ability to think clearly, we may tend to act and react on emotions. The outcome we want, how to get there, and how to manage our emotions are muddled in our hearts and brains.

Since we are in fight, flight, or freeze mode once we have been provoked, whichever state we are in informs how we proceed. Though we may gain some distance to be able to think things out, it doesn’t usually feel as though we have a choice. These ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may help us through the confusion during these moments:

  • What words describe the feelings you are experiencing in your confusion?
  • What are you most confused about?
  • Why is that most confusing?
  • If you are in freeze mode, what are you stuck about?
  • If you are in flight mode, from what are you running?
  • If you are in fight mode, for what are you fighting?
  • What would relieve the confusion right now?
  • What outcome do you want of the situation and the relationship?
  • When you become less confused what do you think will be your first step towards this outcome?
  • How may you make that first step now?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Emotions in Conflict | Leave a comment

Reading Into Things

Posted on July 17, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

It’s not a straightforward exercise to figure out from where and how our assumptions come to us. Life experience, family, friends, teachers, observations, gossip, others’ tales, and a wide range of variables have an impact on our thinking. How we interpret peoples’ words, actions, behaviours, attitudes, etc. leads us to act and react in ways that are based on our assumptions – not necessarily on what is actually intended. Conflict can easily arise from erroneous perceptions and misinterpretations. Unexplored attributions are antithetical to any effort to master conflict responses.

Sometimes what we read into a statement or action may differ depending on the person. That is, we may overlook, make excuses for, or smile at something done or said by a dear friend and not make negative assumptions about his or her motives. Whereas, we may read ill intent into the same statement or action by someone we don’t know or like for some reason.

This aspect of conflict mastery, like others, has many layers to it and this blog provides an opportunity to examine any tendency to attribute motives to others that they may not own. To answer this week’s questions, consider a situation in which you are interpreting someone’s words or actions in negative ways:

  • What did the person say or do (or not say or do) that bothers you?
  • What bothers you most about that and why?
  • What did you ‘read’ about his or her intent?
  • What tone did you ‘hear’ in his or her actions/words?
  • What is the explanation he or she may provide if not what you are thinking?
  • What words describe the impact on you of his or her actions or words?
  • If he or she intended to cause that impact on you, why would that be the case?
  • What reason(s) do you do or say that sort of thing, if you do?
  • What do you think would surprise him or her most about what you have read into the situation and about him or her?
  • How may you check out your interpretation so you can be clear on what happened?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Assumptions, Conflict Perceptions | Leave a comment