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Conflict: Threat or Treat

Posted on March 12, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

It may seem a strange coupling – threat or treat – when it comes to talking about conflict. Threat is, of course, more straightforward, since we commonly sense some type of challenge when we are in conflict. That is, if we perceive that something undermines our values, beliefs, or needs, we may experience that as a threat to us and our identities. Sensing any sort of threat when we are in conflict causes feelings of insecurity and vulnerability. This may, for instance, be due to fears about losing the relationship, something important to us that we are fighting for, our equilibrium, and so on. Unfortunately, too, some people experience physical threats.

Considering interpersonal disputes (not those that include physical assault) the ‘are-you-kidding-me’ question then is, what can the word treat possibly have to do with conflict? Well, it is suggested here that the treat – defined simply as “something special” – is the potential within conflict. If well-managed, the opportunities in a dispute may include a better understanding and connection, a clearer perspective on the issues and its impact, the opportunity to check out assumptions, to apologize, to forgive, and to move on.

For this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog, I’ve taken the ‘h’ out of the word threat to ask the following how questions, essentially about the treat in conflict. To start with, please consider a conflict that feels threatening when answering the following:

  • How does what happened between you and the other person feel like a threat?
  • How does that impact you?
  • How have you contributed to the conflict dynamic?
  • How may she or he have experienced your actions or words as a threat?
  • How may the conflict situation actually be a treat for you, i.e. as defined above or in other ways you may define it? How may the conflict situation not be a treat for you, i.e. as defined above or in other ways you may define it?
  • How will you apply what you have learned in this conflict to future ones?
  • How is that learning a treat?
  • How may the conflict be a treat for the other person? How may it not be a treat for her or him?
  • How, in the future, may you make conflicts less of a threat and more of a treat for you? For the other person?
  • How do the questions here provide a different perspective on conflicts?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Reactions | 4 Comments

Conflict Posturing

Posted on March 5, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

When I first started to practice law some years ago I heard the expression and then, observed the act of “posturing” – as referred to lawyers who became positional during negotiations or court proceedings. As I observed it, posturing is typically demonstrated through body language, mannerisms, and words. These came together, it seemed, in an adversarial effort to ‘win’ and assert a position about a legal dispute. While posturing may be considered strategic and just part of the game of lawyering, I have to admit it actually didn’t feel sport-like or fun to me!

Sometimes I found posturing to be arrogant behaviour, especially when lawyers took on what I perceived as a ‘bullying’ and a ‘holier-than-thou’ demeanour. Their combative and undermining approach at these times appeared as a posture of defiance and indignation. I also read into the attitude conveyed sentiments such as: “my way or the highway”; “I know a whole lot more than you possibly could”; and other such remarks.

How to interact when on the receiving end of posturing – to counter the posture in a conflict masterful way – can be challenging. To consider ways to respond effectively when provoked by this technique it will help to consider, for this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog, a time when someone was posturing with you in a disagreement and you weren’t sure how to respond.

  • What was the context of the dispute?
  • What was the other person doing verbally that you experienced as posturing?
  • What was she or he doing physically that you experienced as posturing?
  • What message were you ‘hearing’ from or reading into the person’s body postures (naming the specific posture(s) from which you got the message(s))?
  • What message(s) were you getting from her or his words and/or way they were conveyed?
  • What ‘posture’ was most off-putting for you? Why that one?
  • How may you describe the posture you demonstrated in your response?
  • What other sorts of posturing techniques are you aware of using?
  • What do you achieve by posturing? What don’t you achieve?
  • Next time you encounter posturing from another person that is off-putting, what is the optimum response you plan to use?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Body Language, Reactions | 4 Comments

Yea, Yea Tell It To the Judge

Posted on February 26, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

You have likely heard or possibly used this expression “Yea, yea tell it to the judge”. In my experience, it is usually said in a demeaning and sarcastic manner when the speaker disagrees with another’s perspective on a matter. It’s one of those statements that implies messages such as: “You don’t know what you’re talking about”; “I disagree and it’s for someone else to decide – certainly not you”; “A smarter person than you knows the answer”; and so on. The implication is there’s a right and wrong – a win and lose – and those sentiments, no matter how they are expressed, tend to polarize and add to increased positional thinking and reacting.

In the middle of an argument statements like “Yea, yea tell it to the judge” also serve to dismiss what is being said and put down the person to whom they are said. Whatever the explicit or implicit message intended by this expression it may be challenging to not back down, though doing so seems to acknowledge that the speaker has the right and power to end the discussion.

For this week’s blog, consider a time when you said, “Tell it to the judge”:

  • What was the person saying or doing that led you to say “tell it to the judge”?
  • What impact was there on the other person?
  • What were you feeling about the other person at the time? What were you feeling about yourself?
  • What did you intend by expressing this statement?
  • When you have been on the receiving end of such a statement, what was the impact on you?
  • What would you “tell the judge” in the conflict situation you have in mind? What would the other person “tell the judge”?
  • What would you want a ‘judge’ to do or say to help you in the situation?
  • What may the other person hope a ‘judge’ would say to help her or him in this situation?
  • If you were an impartial ‘judge’ hearing both sides of the conflict, what may you say regarding the differences between you and the other person?
  • What else may you say, in future situations, instead of “tell it to the judge”?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Metaphors | 4 Comments

PUULLEASE!

Posted on February 19, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

As we know, the word please is usually meant to be a polite statement that accompanies a request of another. With a drawn out pronunciation and sarcastic intonation, this word can turn quickly into an expression that reflects disgust, disapproval, anger, and disagreement. ‘Puullease’ may be used to dismiss the other person, to criticize, or to put them down. In any case, saying this word in the way just described typically leaves little room for conciliatory dialogue.

Consider a time when you have used an imploring statement such as ‘puullease’ in a conflict or when someone else has, when answering this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions). Feel free to substitute another word you may have used with the same sort of intonation:

  • What was the context for using ‘puullease’?
  • What did you mean by saying ‘puullease’ (or other word you used with the same intonation)?
  • What were you experiencing at the time?
  • What happened to the conversation?
  • How did the other person react?
  • When someone has used an expression like ‘puullease’ in response to something you said, what has been the impact on you?
  • What were you hoping to happen in the above scenario that didn’t?
  • What could you have said to replace ‘puullease’ to be able to achieve that?
  • If you were to use the word ‘please’ to start off a sentence that states what you wanted or needed from the other person what would that sentence be?
  • How would it sound?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Criticizing | 2 Comments

Get Over Yourself

Posted on February 14, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

There are times when we are in a conversation with another person that we take the ‘high road’. This shows up in a number of ways and today’s blog looks at the ill effects such an approach can have.

We may appear arrogant and patronizing at these times, and this attitude can be irritating to the point of triggering the other person and heightening the tension. We may get entrenched in the ‘rightness’ of our perspective – leaving little to no room for open dialogue. I think it is this sort of approach that leads people to say or want to say in response, “get over yourself”.

Since it is commonly the case that acting in the ways described above either shuts others down or escalates matters, it helps to consider when to “get over ourselves”. Instead of taking high roads and low roads, it may help instead to consider how to walk on the same road with the other person in an effort to reconcile differences.

Here are some ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) on this topic. It is suggested you bring to mind one or two times when you found yourself sounding or becoming self-righteous or patronizing or however else you may describe an approach that reflects the sort of attitude described in this blog. Think, too, of times when you have observed others demonstrate this.

  • What is your meaning of the phrase “get over yourself”?
  • Under what circumstances may you use or think the expression “get over yourself” about someone’s actions, attitude, etc.?
  • What do you feel about the person at these times?
  • Considering a situation when you used or wanted to use this expression, what do you think that person needed to get over?
  • How would you like her or him to have been instead?
  • Under what circumstances may you do or say something that leads someone to say or think “get over yourself” about you?
  • Considering a specific situation when someone said something such as this statement to you, what may she or he thought you needed to get over at that time?
  • How does it impact you to hear someone direct expressions such as “get over yourself” to you?
  • In the future when you hear yourself sounding like someone who needs to get over yourself, what may you say or do instead?
  • How may you respond in a conflict masterful way when you begin to feel you want to say “get over yourself” to someone else?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Reactions | 2 Comments