I remember my mother using the slang expression ‘slow burn’ when she was feeling angry at someone about something she or he said or did. The sentence started, “I’m doing a slow burn ever since Mary….” Luckily, we seemed to be a family that regularly used idioms, so I didn’t literally think of her burning. But, I do recall asking her, “What is a fast burn?” and her response, “Well that’s when I boil over!” I had observed both so knew what she meant.

So, to bring in my mother’s experience of being in conflict for this blog, I looked up the meaning of ‘slow burn’ to find that it is consistent with the meaning I attributed it. That is, an apparent signal that something or someone is provoking a negative response – starting at a low level with the potential of erupting to a higher one. One definition more precisely is “a steadily penetrating show of anger or contempt”.

In a previous blog entitled “Simmering Signs” I discussed the indicators we all have when we begin to experience some discord in a relationship about behaviours or words that offend us. This week’s posting develops the idea more so, using the expression ‘slow burn’.

As usual, it is suggested that you bring to mind a situation which has not or did not evolve. But, it is or was one in which you would say a ‘slow burn’ describes what you were experiencing.

• What does ‘slow burn’ mean to you that is similar to the description above? What is different?
• In the situation you are thinking about, what is burning?
• How are you experiencing the burn?
• What keeps it a ‘slow burn’?
• What would a fast burn look like? Feel like?
• What may lead to a fast burn?
• How does the slow burn impact your relationship with the other person?
• If you wanted to stop the burn, what could you do?
• What has stopped you, so far?
• If you want a situation to not reach a ‘slow burn’ or if it begins to go there, what could you do to cool things down?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Here’s another interesting metaphor to do with body parts and conflict. The visual here of ‘stepping on someone’s toes’ is, as with many idiomatic images, quite vivid. That is, I imagine the experience of having this happen – figurative though it is – would feel like an invasive, hurtful, and insulting act that can easily lead to conflict.

One definition describes this interaction as offending or insulting someone – as if causing physical pain. It is an expression that is also used when we become involved in or take over something that is not our responsibility.

Sometimes we are not aware that or when we are stepping on someone’s toes. Other times we may realize it and take the associated risks – out of spite, lack of care, or other reasons. When we step on peoples’ toes or they step on ours there is the chance that conflict will erupt and this blog is about how to proceed when that is a possibility.

It will help here to bring to mind a situation in which you experienced someone stepping on your toes when answering these ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions).

• In what ways did the other person step on your toes?
• At what point did you experience a reaction?
• How do you describe your reaction?
• What offended you most?
• Why do you think she or he stepped on your toes?
• If you don’t think the person intended to offend you, what do you suppose may have been happening that led to her or his actions?
• Considering a situation when you stepped on someone else’s toes, if you have, what is your experience of doing so?
• What was the other person’s reaction to you in that situation?
• From what you can tell, in what ways may your own experience (of stepping on someone else’s toes) be similar to what is going on for the person who stepped on yours? What may be different?
• When someone steps on your toes and you determine she or he did intend to offend you, what is a conflict masterful way of responding?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?