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Liebster Award

Posted on February 10, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

I am thrilled to tell you that ConflictMastery Quest(ions) has been nominated for the Liebster Award by Anastasia Pryanikova. Anastasia is the brilliant and articulate author of The Brain Alchemist, which explores how our brains influence how we communicate with others and ourselves. Thank you so much for this honour Anastasia, and congratulations on being nominated yourself.

Anastasia is a lawyer turned peacemaker. She is also a speaking and presentation skills coach, linguist, new media strategist, life-long learner, and visionary. Anastasia is the founder of E-Studio, LLC, a coaching, training, and consulting company. More information on this multi-talented, generous, and overall wonderful woman and her work may be found here.

Here are the rules for the Liebster Award:

  • Thank your Liebster Blog Award presenter on your blog and link back to the blogger who presented this award to you.
  • Answer the 10 questions from the nominator.
  • Nominate 10 blogs and create 10 questions for your nominees.

Here are my answers to Anastasia’s 10 questions:

1.  What inspired you to start blogging?

A number of years ago I became increasingly intrigued by the many ways to connect with others through social media. I enjoy meeting new friends and colleagues from around the world and the new and different ways of sharing and obtaining information.

It struck me that blogging may also provide a great forum to meet others interested in conflict (my coaching specialty). I had been thinking a lot about ways to impart what I was learning as a conflict management coach – specifically regarding the art of inquiry. So, I decided it would be fun and interesting to write and share on this topic.

2. What do you hope to achieve with your blog?

In my coaching practice I am continually in awe of the magic of questions and mostly, how they help clients shift from reactive approaches to their conflicts to more curious and reflective ones. This inspired me to consider how I might connect with others and share my learning with others who may have ways to also ‘pay it forward’.

Essentially then, it was and remains my hope that the ConflictMastery Quest(ions) blog will inspire people to view their interpersonal conflicts in different ways than they may otherwise do. More specifically, I hope that by presenting common conflict topics that subscribers may relate to in their lives and by asking self-reflective questions about them, they may gain increased understanding about their conflicts and their interactions within them.

By the same token, I also hope to provide tools for coaches, mediators, lawyers, leaders, psychologists, HR, union representatives, and others who help people find their way through conflict.

3. What are three attributes that best describe your blog?

Hmmm…I am thinking creative, insightful, and novel.

4. How do you nurture your creative side?

Great question. When I think about it some of my most creative thoughts come from mindful practices such as meditation. (I meditate at least once a day.) In fact, the idea for my blog came to me during a morning meditation.

Music and movement (dance, exercise), and just good old fashioned conversations with friends and others all nurture my creative side.

5. What are you reading right now?

I am reading Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect by Matthew D. Liebermann.

6. What are your preferred ways of getting the information you need?

Most of my research for the blog is through Wikipedia and Google. I read lots of blogs (including those Anastasia nominated) and articles (many obtained as recommendations through people I follow on Twitter).

I also obtain resources (books, articles, etc.) from people I interview to participate on teleseminars regarding conflict management coaching that I coordinate for the International Coach Federation and for the Association for Conflict Resolution.

Another way I get great information is through the Conflict Coaching Guild (LinkedIn) where the members generously share their wisdom and knowledge on conflict-related topics in response to my questions and those of others.

7. What do you like to do to unwind?

One of the main ways I unwind is I take dancing classes. Several years ago I hired a fabulous instructor who choreographs dances for me to my favourite contemporary music and music of the 80s. The dance steps and movement are meant to help build balance, flexibility, and coordination. It’s an invigorating and fun form of exercise.

The instructor not only teaches me how to do the dances, she also teaches me to teach others. And so I do (I teach a weekly class at a local studio).

I also love to cook and unwinding for me is going to the local market for fresh ingredients and trying out new recipes for friends and family.

8. What is your most ambitious goal or aspiration for 2014?

To finish another book I am writing. It is based on my blog – entitled Conflict Mastery Quest(ions).

9. What makes you happy?

As a starting point, I’d say I’m happy most of the time and the sorts of things that contribute to that (the order varying day to day) include being with my nephews and their families, teaching dance, listening to music (with book in hand, fire blazing in the fireplace, and my purring cat on top of me), being with good friends, cooking, writing, travel, knowing my work has a positive impact on others.

10. Anything else you would like to share?

I am honoured to be among incredible colleagues who were also nominated for this award. I like that we and others share bits of ourselves through social media and that I have had the pleasure of getting to know them and others I may not have – if it weren’t for blogs and social media.

The blogs I nominate for the Liebster Award (in no specific order):

My ten questions for the nominees:

  1. What precipitated your interest in writing a blog?
  2. Which one of your blogs – in the past year – did you have the most enjoyment writing and why?
  3. What three pieces of advice do you give others interested in starting a blog?
  4. How do you reach prospective blog subscribers?
  5. What do you want subscribers to know about you that may or may not be reflected in your blog?
  6. What is the highest compliment someone could give you about your blog?
  7. What is the highest compliment someone could give you about you?
  8. What does your music playlist reflect about you and your values?
  9. When you are not writing blogs, what do you enjoy doing most?
  10. What was the first career/profession you named (to family, friends, yearbook, etc.) that you wanted to be when you grew up?
Posted in Conflict Management Coaching | Leave a comment

Are You Beating Around the Bush?

Posted on February 4, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

When we are in conflict, some of us avoid coming to the point about something we think may upset the other person. The idiom beat around (or about) the bush describes the sort of prevarication when we delay or are evasive about raising difficult things. Or, it may be we act this way when we are having challenges answering a hard question.

The expression – beating around the bush – has an interesting derivation. One story says it is from bird hunting in which some of the participants roused the birds by beating the bushes – enabling other hunters to catch the quarry in nets. Essentially, beating around the bushes was the preamble to the main event – being to capture the birds. Apparently, grouse hunters and other forms of bird hunting still use beaters today.

In the conflict context we may consider a full blown argument as the ‘main event’ and beating around the bush is an effort to avoid it. As previously discussed in another ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog entitled Bury Your Head in the Sand, we avoid conflict for many reasons such as fears we are experiencing. This may be fear of offending the other person, retaliation, things becoming unsettled, and loss of the relationship. Alternatively, we may have in our minds that such an approach as beating around the bush may help to prevent the possibility of a full blown argument and perhaps, even soften things. Or, we may think beating around the bush will indirectly help to prepare the other person that something is amiss.

If you are beating around the bush in a situation or generally tend to do so, consider this week’s questions.

  • In what ways does this expression apply to you and a particular situation you have in mind, or in general?
  • What are you more specifically doing or saying – or not doing or saying – in that situation that describes how you are beating around the bush? Or, what do you generally do or say or not do or say when you beat around the bush?
  • What is motivating you to beat around the bush in the particular situation? Or, what motivates you to do so generally?
  • What may you be protecting, if that applies? Who may you be protecting, if that applies?
  • What is the worst case scenario you imagine in the specific situation, if you state the point or answer you are not expressing?
  • What is the best case scenario that may result in this situation, if you state the point or answer you are not expressing?
  • Imagine yourself not beating around the bush and coming right out to say, ask, or answer what is on your mind, what exactly would you say, ask, or answer? How does that feel?
  • If you were to proceed to state or respond to the other person – as to no longer beat around the bush – what would you want to be especially careful about in doing so?
  • How do you imagine you will feel if you no longer beat around the bush about this matter? How does your answer to this question deter you? Motivate you?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Metaphors, Reactions | 1 Comment

That Made My Blood Boil

Posted on January 28, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

Did you know that there was a belief that blood actually boils when people become angry or excited? We know that is not true and even has a sort of sci-fi feeling to it. However, that made my blood boil is an expression used by some of us when commenting on something that highly offends us. Wiktionary describes the idiom to mean: “To cause a person to feel angry or very annoyed, especially in situations in which one cannot fully display that feeling to others”.

We may use such an phrase before, during, or after a conflict when commenting on our experience of someone’s deeds, words, or attitude. We may not actually show what we are experiencing, as the above definition suggests, though our external demeanour may well demonstrate our feelings (see the previous blog entitled Experiencing Your Conflict). Or, we may clearly and purposely show how we feel on our faces and bodies, and by our voices and actions. Some examples are rolling eyes, heavy sighs, and a sarcastic tone of voice.

This week’s blog invites readers to consider this statement – you made my blood boil – as it applies to you. I suggest that you select a conflict in which you may use this phrase or could have used it to describe how you are or were feeling about someone’s words, actions, attitude, etc. and/or her or his position on the issues.

  • What specifically makes or made your blood boil in that situation?
  • How would you describe in more detail the image of your blood boiling?
  • What specific feelings are or were you experiencing at this time?
  • Which of your feelings do you think are or were obvious to the other person? In what ways?
  • Which are or were not obvious to the other person?
  • For what reasons are you internalizing or did you internalize some or all of your feelings, if you are or did?
  • What started the conflict for you – even if it is or was an inner boiling?
  • What kept you from saying or doing something at the time that may preclude or have precluded things from boiling for you?
  • What could you do to stop the boiling now?
  • What are you thinking now about the expression – that made my blood boil – that may be different from when you started answering these questions?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Emotions in Conflict, Metaphors | 2 Comments

“Woulda Coulda Shoulda”

Posted on January 21, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

The words “woulda coulda shoulda” often seem to be used in the aftermath of being in conflict when we are kicking ourselves for something we said or did or didn’t say or do. The following description provides a pertinent explanation: “For many people, there is a clear distinction between what actually happened and what they wished would have happened in a given situation. Sometimes, people realize a number of options they could have or should have taken instead of the action they actually took. This feeling of regret or second-guessing is summed up in the expression woulda coulda shoulda.”

It is easier in hindsight to consider what may have been a more productive or constructive way to manage a conflict. The time and energy wasted with self-blame replete with woulda coulda shoulda language can be all consuming. Commonly, our recriminations also add to continued tension between the other person and us. Even criticizing ourselves for things we did not say or do when we had the opportunity creates discomfort for those who listen to our plaints.

Why do some of us engage in woulda coulda shoulda recriminations? Previous ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog topics suggested a number of reasons such as unresolved issues, lack of reconciliation, and continuing emotional investment in the matter. Low self-esteem and guilt also contribute to this state of reacting. These and other reasons and combinations of them vary from situation to situation and do not exist in all the conflicts in which we participate.

When self-blame prevails though, it is an opportune time for us to assess the wouldas couldas shouldas of the situation – to check out the reality of what we wished we had said or done. This week’s questions aim to help readers conduct such an exercise with yourself.

  • Considering a conflict situation about which you continue to blame yourself for some aspects, what do you think you shoulda said instead or differently from what you did?
  • What is the action you coulda taken?
  • What information, if you had it, may have helped you with the woulda part of the situation?
  • In what other ways are you blaming yourself about this particular interaction?
  • What do you think the other person shoulda said or done instead or differently?
  • What is the action you think she or he coulda taken instead?
  • What information may she or he have benefited from that woulda changed the course of her or his reaction?
  • In what ways does the woulda coulda shoulda self-blame keep you engaged in the dispute?
  • How much do you want to stop blaming yourself on a scale of 1-5, 5 being very much and 1 being not at all?
  • If you answer less than 5 in the above question, what does self-blame accomplish that you do not want to let go of – at least yet?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Resilience | 4 Comments

Conflict Mastery Action Planning

Posted on January 14, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

When a conflict is over and we are experiencing ongoing thoughts about what we wished we had said or done, it is a good time to figure out what we learned that will help us going forward. Making an action plan is one way of precluding continual wishing to do things differently – after our conflicts are over. Rather, we become intentional about what we want to work on in order to be proactive and prevent unnecessary conflict, and to not agonize in the aftermath of our interpersonal disputes.

Action plans essentially define our objectives and the steps we will take to accomplish them. When we develop action plans as part of our personal or professional development, it is important to make realistic and measurable plans and proceed in incremental stages to move forward. This may involve, for instance, starting with one goal, specifically naming how we will be different when we reach it, describing the strategies we intend to take to reach that objective, naming the potential obstacles, and setting target dates. Asking one or more friends, colleagues, and/or family members to help us by sharing our plan and requesting their input on how we are doing further assists us in our efforts.

This week’s blog provides a framework through ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) to develop an action plan regarding a conflict habit you want to change, by selecting one area and working through the questions. Then, as you develop stronger conflict management skill in that area, the methodical use of these questions will help to facilitate your ongoing efforts in other areas too.

  • What is the first area you want to develop/improve?
  • How do you describe your specific goal in this regard?
  • In what ways will you be different from how you are now when it comes to this area?
  • What is motivating you to develop/improve this area right now?
  • How might others describe you now regarding this characteristic, etc.? How do you want to be described?
  • How do you want to feel about yourself when you reach your goal?
  • How committed are you to reaching your goal on a scale of 1-5, 5 being very much and 1 being not so much? If you are not highly committed, how come?
  • What is at stake if you do not improve?
  • What is the first step you will take to reach your goal? What – in order – are the following steps?
  • What challenges do you foresee in reaching your goal? How will you overcome them?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Action Plans, Resilience | Leave a comment