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That Made My Blood Boil

Posted on January 28, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

Did you know that there was a belief that blood actually boils when people become angry or excited? We know that is not true and even has a sort of sci-fi feeling to it. However, that made my blood boil is an expression used by some of us when commenting on something that highly offends us. Wiktionary describes the idiom to mean: “To cause a person to feel angry or very annoyed, especially in situations in which one cannot fully display that feeling to others”.

We may use such an phrase before, during, or after a conflict when commenting on our experience of someone’s deeds, words, or attitude. We may not actually show what we are experiencing, as the above definition suggests, though our external demeanour may well demonstrate our feelings (see the previous blog entitled Experiencing Your Conflict). Or, we may clearly and purposely show how we feel on our faces and bodies, and by our voices and actions. Some examples are rolling eyes, heavy sighs, and a sarcastic tone of voice.

This week’s blog invites readers to consider this statement – you made my blood boil – as it applies to you. I suggest that you select a conflict in which you may use this phrase or could have used it to describe how you are or were feeling about someone’s words, actions, attitude, etc. and/or her or his position on the issues.

  • What specifically makes or made your blood boil in that situation?
  • How would you describe in more detail the image of your blood boiling?
  • What specific feelings are or were you experiencing at this time?
  • Which of your feelings do you think are or were obvious to the other person? In what ways?
  • Which are or were not obvious to the other person?
  • For what reasons are you internalizing or did you internalize some or all of your feelings, if you are or did?
  • What started the conflict for you – even if it is or was an inner boiling?
  • What kept you from saying or doing something at the time that may preclude or have precluded things from boiling for you?
  • What could you do to stop the boiling now?
  • What are you thinking now about the expression – that made my blood boil – that may be different from when you started answering these questions?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Emotions in Conflict, Metaphors | 2 Comments

“Woulda Coulda Shoulda”

Posted on January 21, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

The words “woulda coulda shoulda” often seem to be used in the aftermath of being in conflict when we are kicking ourselves for something we said or did or didn’t say or do. The following description provides a pertinent explanation: “For many people, there is a clear distinction between what actually happened and what they wished would have happened in a given situation. Sometimes, people realize a number of options they could have or should have taken instead of the action they actually took. This feeling of regret or second-guessing is summed up in the expression woulda coulda shoulda.”

It is easier in hindsight to consider what may have been a more productive or constructive way to manage a conflict. The time and energy wasted with self-blame replete with woulda coulda shoulda language can be all consuming. Commonly, our recriminations also add to continued tension between the other person and us. Even criticizing ourselves for things we did not say or do when we had the opportunity creates discomfort for those who listen to our plaints.

Why do some of us engage in woulda coulda shoulda recriminations? Previous ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog topics suggested a number of reasons such as unresolved issues, lack of reconciliation, and continuing emotional investment in the matter. Low self-esteem and guilt also contribute to this state of reacting. These and other reasons and combinations of them vary from situation to situation and do not exist in all the conflicts in which we participate.

When self-blame prevails though, it is an opportune time for us to assess the wouldas couldas shouldas of the situation – to check out the reality of what we wished we had said or done. This week’s questions aim to help readers conduct such an exercise with yourself.

  • Considering a conflict situation about which you continue to blame yourself for some aspects, what do you think you shoulda said instead or differently from what you did?
  • What is the action you coulda taken?
  • What information, if you had it, may have helped you with the woulda part of the situation?
  • In what other ways are you blaming yourself about this particular interaction?
  • What do you think the other person shoulda said or done instead or differently?
  • What is the action you think she or he coulda taken instead?
  • What information may she or he have benefited from that woulda changed the course of her or his reaction?
  • In what ways does the woulda coulda shoulda self-blame keep you engaged in the dispute?
  • How much do you want to stop blaming yourself on a scale of 1-5, 5 being very much and 1 being not at all?
  • If you answer less than 5 in the above question, what does self-blame accomplish that you do not want to let go of – at least yet?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Resilience | 4 Comments

Conflict Mastery Action Planning

Posted on January 14, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

When a conflict is over and we are experiencing ongoing thoughts about what we wished we had said or done, it is a good time to figure out what we learned that will help us going forward. Making an action plan is one way of precluding continual wishing to do things differently – after our conflicts are over. Rather, we become intentional about what we want to work on in order to be proactive and prevent unnecessary conflict, and to not agonize in the aftermath of our interpersonal disputes.

Action plans essentially define our objectives and the steps we will take to accomplish them. When we develop action plans as part of our personal or professional development, it is important to make realistic and measurable plans and proceed in incremental stages to move forward. This may involve, for instance, starting with one goal, specifically naming how we will be different when we reach it, describing the strategies we intend to take to reach that objective, naming the potential obstacles, and setting target dates. Asking one or more friends, colleagues, and/or family members to help us by sharing our plan and requesting their input on how we are doing further assists us in our efforts.

This week’s blog provides a framework through ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) to develop an action plan regarding a conflict habit you want to change, by selecting one area and working through the questions. Then, as you develop stronger conflict management skill in that area, the methodical use of these questions will help to facilitate your ongoing efforts in other areas too.

  • What is the first area you want to develop/improve?
  • How do you describe your specific goal in this regard?
  • In what ways will you be different from how you are now when it comes to this area?
  • What is motivating you to develop/improve this area right now?
  • How might others describe you now regarding this characteristic, etc.? How do you want to be described?
  • How do you want to feel about yourself when you reach your goal?
  • How committed are you to reaching your goal on a scale of 1-5, 5 being very much and 1 being not so much? If you are not highly committed, how come?
  • What is at stake if you do not improve?
  • What is the first step you will take to reach your goal? What – in order – are the following steps?
  • What challenges do you foresee in reaching your goal? How will you overcome them?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Action Plans, Resilience | Leave a comment

Collaborating in Conflict

Posted on January 7, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

When it comes to problem-solving during a conflict we seem to use different styles depending on a number of variables. These may include who the conflict is with, the nature of the issues, and whether the relationship or outcome are more important to us. Other factors may be the degree of acrimony and the intensity of the interaction. Depending on these and other variables, we may respond by avoiding, accommodating the other person’s needs, compromising, fighting to win, cooperating, or collaborating.

When especially stressed and feeling uncertain about what to do, we may default to approaches that do not serve us well. Generally though, it seems we tend to favour one or more styles that are familiar and that have worked for us. Or, we may choose habits that are not effective, but we have not worked on changing them.

Collaboration is one form of conflict management that reflects a popular view of a way to satisfy the needs and interests of both (or all) disputing parties. “It means digging into an issue to pinpoint the underlying needs and wants of the two individuals. Collaborating between two persons might take the form of exploring a disagreement to learn from each other’s insights or trying to find a creative solution to an interpersonal problem.”

The following ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) help explore whether a collaborative or other approach may suit you and the conflict you have in mind.

  • How do you describe the approach that reflects your most common conflict management style?
  • How has this style worked for you? Not worked for you?
  • In general, what ways are you collaborative, according to the definition above? Under what circumstances are you not collaborative?
  • Considering a dispute you are currently involved in, how will you measure success in this situation? How do you think the other person may measure success?
  • What outcome may be mutually acceptable?
  • What collaborative approach is likely to settle matters?
  • In what ways do you like the idea of a collaborative approach for this situation?
  • What don’t you like about a collaborative approach for this situation?
  • What approach may be more suited to the situation than collaborating? Why do you think that is the case?
  • If you want to become stronger as a collaborator (in circumstances you consider that approach appropriate), what would you do as a first action step to further develop that area?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Collaboration, Conflict Management Styles | 2 Comments

Ten New Year’s Conflict Resolutions

Posted on December 31, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

Instead of a series of 10 questions, this week’s blog is a series of my Conflict Resolutions for 2014.

  1. This year, I will acknowledge how conflict presents an opportunity to enrich relationships.
  2. This year, I will make amends with people and not let our differences of opinion fester.
  3. This year, I will apologize and mean it.
  4. This year, I will stop blaming others.
  5. This year, I will take responsibility for how I contributed to disputes.
  6. This year, I will forgive and let bygones be bygones.
  7. This year, I will not be hard on others, or on myself.
  8. This year, I will not judge people.
  9. This year, I will value the importance of respecting other people’s opinions, even if I don’t agree with them.
  10. This year, I will listen.

Please feel free to add your own.

Wishing you a joyful, peaceful, and loving 2014!

Posted in Conflict Management Coaching | 16 Comments