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Experiencing Your Conflict

Posted on December 17, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

In previous ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blogs I have discussed somatic symptoms of conflict. Today’s post is about what we experience internally that we may or may not show externally. That is, there are ways we are aware of – that others do not necessarily observe – about things going on for us in our body, heart, and brain. Some signs, of course, are evident and will be considered in this discussion.

Experiencing our conflict – the subject of this week’s blog – relates also to what happens for some of us when we are in conflict that impacts our health and well-being. For instance, along with tension we experience in our conflicts, blood pressure may increase. Some of us get upset stomachs which may mean feeling nauseous, or a churning sensation, or other such symptoms. Other reactions include a change in breathing patterns (i.e. heavy breathing or catching our breath), dry throat, and an increase in swallowing. A few other more visible signs may be a red face and stuttering.

If you experience internal or external physical symptoms such as these or others, these ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) will help you further explore these signs.

  • Considering a conflict situation in which you experienced internal or physical symptoms of dissension, what were those signs?
  • How may you describe your experience of these, including the impact on you?
  • To what do you attribute your specific reactions?
  • What are the signs expressing that you are not verbalizing?
  • What keeps you from verbalizing these things?
  • Which of your reactions do you think are not evident to the other person? What signs do you think are evident to the other person?
  • How may the other person interpret the signs being observed?
  • When you observe such signs in someone else, how do you interpret them?
  • If you would like to stop internal processing of your dispute through your body, face, and other physical ways, what may help you do so?
  • What difference will that make if you stop doing so?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

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Bouncing Back

Posted on December 10, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

In the aftermath of interpersonal conflicts some of us bounce back quicker than others. There are lots of reasons for this. For instance, as discussed in previous blogs, we may have unresolved issues and emotions that continue to haunt us. Other variables that influence our resilience are how we manage stress, how we process our feelings, our general pessimistic versus optimistic approaches to life, the degree of lingering hurt and other emotions due to the dispute, and so on. Some other factors include our general physical wellbeing and the spiritual and philosophical dimensions of our lives.

What does it mean to bounce back from interpersonal conflicts then? The answer to this question reflects our individual and subjective experience of how we have learned to process discord. The following signs of resilience are just some examples of how we may regain our equilibrium that may have been lost during our disputes. We have a sense and accept that we did the best we could or even if we did not, we are prepared to figure out a way to reconcile things and move on. When we bounce back we stop letting the interaction prey on us and taint the ongoing relationship. We sincerely forgive or apologize and do not hold a grudge against the other person. We forgive ourselves. We are not preoccupied with what we should have done. We let the other person off the blame hook.

When we feel limited in our resilience post-conflict in these and other ways, it is an opportune time to explore why that is the case and to see if we have something to learn from the interaction that facilitates bouncing back. So, if resilience is a challenge for you, these ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) are ones to consider. I suggest you think about a dispute from which you are not bouncing back when responding to the following:

  • About what specifically are you not being or feeling resilient regarding a specific dispute?
  • What continues to bother you most?
  • What is it about that (your answer to the above question) that is having the strongest impact on you?
  • What would being resilient mean in this situation?
  • What else would be different for you if you were resilient about that situation?
  • How would being different in the way you just described impact your relationship with the other person? What would be different about your relationship with yourself?
  • Thinking about the expression bouncing back when it comes to this dispute, what would you be bouncing back from? What will you be bouncing to?
  • What do you think will propel you to bounce back effectively?
  • What have you learned from the dispute that may help you bounce back?
  • How will you apply your learning from this dispute that will facilitate your resilience in future conflicts?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Reactions, Resilience | Leave a comment

Positions vs. Interests

Posted on December 3, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

In the field of Alternative Dispute Resolution, mediators, among other things, help people in dispute come to a mutually acceptable resolution about issues they do not agree on. Each party typically holds a disparate perspective from the other on what constitutes an appropriate settlement. By the time they get to talk it out in the mediation process to see if they can resolve matters, they have often become entrenched in their positions and the relationship is suffering.

Positions reflect what we assert we want as an outcome. The more we defend our positions, the stronger we seem to hold onto them. It also seems our identity and ego becomes attached to what we perceive as the rightness of our view – and we defend our position at every turn. Along the way, our growing emotions cloud reason, and the challenges to effective problem-solving also grow.

Interests, on the other hand, reflect not only what is important to us as an outcome. They also reflect the reasons why they are important. Interests lie underneath what we say we want – and reveal our hopes, needs, values, beliefs, and expectations. Unfortunately, they frequently become obfuscated in the fight for our positions – which do not necessarily reflect the core of what the disagreement is about.

In an effort to reach mutually agreeable solutions when in conflict, it helps to identify our interests and articulate what outcome is important to us and why. Doing so tends to open up the possibilities that are otherwise limited by holding steadfastly to positions.

This week’s blog explores these concepts by inviting you to respond to these ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) and explore a conflict in which you are currently embroiled.

  • What is the dispute about from your perspective?
  • What is your position on the optimum outcome? Why is that important to you?
  • In what ways is the other person’s perspective on the dispute the same as yours? What is different?
  • What is the other person’s position on the best outcome, as far as you know? Why is that important to her or him?
  • How do you want the relationship to be when things are settled? How do you want the other person to feel about you? How do you want to feel about her or him?
  • What may the two of you already agree on? What other common ground may you share?
  • Considering your answers to the above questions so far, what options for resolution may there be that may be mutually agreeable – satisfying what you need and what the other person needs?
  • What are the disadvantages of each option for you? For the other person?
  • What are the advantages of each option for you? For the other person?
  • What new insights do you have, if any, from this series of questions?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in ADR, Positions & Interests | Leave a comment

Digging in our Heels

Posted on November 26, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

The meaning of “digging in our heels” according to one source is stubbornly resisting something or refusing to change, i.e. an opinion. The same source states that the origin is “probably related to the fact that if a person or an animal resists being pulled forward, the body will lean backwards and the heels will dig into the ground as the legs resist the forward motion.”

When we hold conflicting views from another person and we hold steadfastly to our own opinions and views, showing no room for change, this may be considered digging in our heels. It is a dynamic that often leads to both parties becoming stronger about their positions and asserting them with vigour.

What motivates us to dig in our heels? All sorts of things. It may be we feel fully convinced about our perspective and equally as convinced in the wrongness of the other person’s. It may be we resent or are highly offended by the other person’s position. We may be obstinate by nature and/or especially when it comes to the specific issues in dispute. We may feel fearful or threatened, unable to think outside a predictable, secure, and comfortable range of perspectives.

The image of digging in our heels is a vivid one and if it applies to you in a particular dispute you are in, consider this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions):

  • What is the situation about which you are digging in your heels?
  • What are you doing specifically that may be perceived as digging in your heels?
  • For what reasons are you digging in your heels?
  • What are you digging into?
  • What does it feel like to dig in your heels?
  • How does it help resolve the conflict – to dig in your heels? How does it hinder things?
  • How does digging in your heels help the relationship? How does it hinder it?
  • When you have observed someone else dig in their heels, how may you describe what that looks like?
  • How do you experience others who dig in their heels?
  • What support do you want or need when you dig in your heels so that you do not topple over?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Emotions in Conflict, Metaphors | Leave a comment

“I Didn’t Mean to Ruffle Your Feathers”

Posted on November 19, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

By now you will know I like metaphors and idioms as ways of providing a creative context to consider conflicts and their impact. There is something fun and interesting about doing so. What else I find is that looking at conflict with a different lens also helps my coaching clients (and me when I am in conflict) to gain distance from the emotions and the event.

The topic today – about the metaphor to ruffle someone’s feathers – conjures up an image I smile about. I find I can easily visualize a big or even a little bird looking miffed at something. Her or his eyes are wide – looking perturbed. The bird’s feathers are not falling softly but rather they are all over the place. Clearly, things are amiss.

The apparent etymology of the expression “to ruffle feathers”, as may be expected, is based on the idea of a bird whose feathers are not smooth because of fear or excitement. The phrase has come to refer to being and looking irritated or annoyed (or by ruffling someone’s feathers we are doing something that irritates or annoys her or him). That common happenstance – annoying or irritating someone or someone annoying or irritating us – does not always lead to external conflict. In any case, whether it is an internal conflict or external dispute, we undoubtedly show our negative reactions through our facial expressions and body language. As a consequence, we may show up like a bird with ruffled feathers.

If you relate to the phrase discussed in today’s blog, see if the following questions resonate for you.

  • Thinking of a specific dispute in which you experienced the phenomenon of having ruffled feathers, what led to that experience?
  • What did it feel like to have ruffled feathers?
  • What do you suppose you looked like at that time that gave the appearance of your feathers being ruffled?
  • What do your feathers represent in that conflict scenario?
  • What do you do that helps to smooth your ruffling?
  • What have others said or done that seems to help you? What doesn’t help?
  • When the other person in a conflict situation gets ruffled feathers from something you said or did, how would you describe their appearance?
  • What is the impact on you?
  • What helpful things do you usually say to persons (friends, family) who have ruffled feathers? What have you learned that does not help?
  • Having answered these questions, what do you think or feel about the expression to ruffle someone’s feathers that you didn’t before?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Metaphors, Reactions | 6 Comments