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Judging Others

Posted on February 25, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

When a judge in a court makes a decision on legal issues in dispute she or he considers many things depending on the situation. It may be the relevant case law, statutes, written and oral evidence provided, witness statements, and other information. Decisions judges make are not always straightforward, and sometimes we may be shocked at their determinations on cases.

When we, who are not judges, make judgments about other people, we do so with far less data. That is, we often do so as a consequence of our reaction to something the person says or does that insults, offends, and hurts us. At these times, we also rely on a range of other sorts of information to make our judgments. This may include our histories and emotional experience with the other person and possibly others who provoke us in the same or similar ways. Our biases, our self-esteem and self-confidence, our motives, a tendency to blame or to feel victimized, gossip, and so on all figure in how we reach our opinions.

The thing about making opinions about others is they can easily lead to unnecessary conflict and internal discord. They taint our interactions with the person we are judging and ultimately, reflect poorly on us. This is not to say that all judgments are incorrect. It does suggest though that they may be based on assumptions and perceptions that are not always based in reality.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog explores judgments you are making about another person that has resulted in lack of harmony between you and unrest within yourself.

  • What opinion do you have about someone with whom you have a conflict and is annoying you?
  • What is the basis for your opinion?
  • What do you know is certain about your opinion of the other person?
  • About what are you not absolutely certain with respect to your view about this person?
  • How does your opinion of this person impact your relationship with her or him?
  • What information or actions, if any, may disabuse you of your current opinion?
  • What opinion do you have of yourself in this relationship?
  • How does your judgment of this person serve you? Not serve you?
  • If you did not have this particular judgment about her or him, how do you imagine things would be different between you two?
  • How would you be different with or around this person if you did not have this opinion?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Attributions, Conflict Coaching, Criticizing | 1 Comment

Stonewalling in Conflict

Posted on February 18, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

Similar in some ways to the idiom ‘beating around the bush’ described in a previous ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog, the expression stonewalling refers to the tendency to avoid responding to a question or to be evasive. For me though, stonewalling seems to conjure up a stronger image of obstruction and uncooperativeness.

There are different opinions on where the term originated and according to one source, the first known use of stonewall was in 1880. The phrase generally means unyielding or immovable – like an actual stone wall or the famous Confederate General Stonewall Jackson. Reportedly, the most common use of the word means “to intentionally delay using specific tactics. Those gifted at the art of stonewalling avoid answering questions, halt a conversation, and even cause the other person to forget the subject altogether”.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider when you are stonewalling, or have stonewalled – or someone has stonewalled or is stonewalling you within a conflict. Or possibly, doing so is leading to conflict.

  • When you have stonewalled or are stonewalling someone, what have you done or are you doing that fits with the meaning of this expression?
  • In general, under what circumstances do you find yourself stonewalling someone?
  • How may you describe what the stones are made of that build the wall you experience?
  • Considering a specific situation in which you are stonewalling or have stonewalled the other person, what have you achieved or are you achieving by stonewalling her or him?
  • By stonewalling, what possible things, if any, are you missing from knowing or happening? As you think about this, how else does the image of a stone wall impact you and the conflict?
  • When someone stonewalls you, how do you experience that?
  • What do you think the other person’s intentions were or are in a specific situation when she or he has stonewalled or is stonewalling you?
  • What image does her or his stonewalling conjure up for you?
  • What opportunity do you feel you are missing out on due to the other person’s stonewalling? What may she or he be missing out on?
  • Going forward, what may you build instead of a stone wall to accomplish the outcome you want in a conflict?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Metaphors, Reactions | Leave a comment

Getting Bent Out of Shape

Posted on February 11, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

I have often heard this idiom – getting bent out of shape – when people talk about their reactions or the other person’s when in conflict. Several sources say this expression means to take offense, to become angry, agitated, or upset. For me though, the expression has more of a physical element. That is, it conjures up some interesting images – like an acrobat or pretzel.

In my work as a conflict management coach I am always mindful of how clients appear at the times they share their conflict stories and bent out of shape is apropos for some whose bodies and faces show the distress they are experiencing. However, I also hear the various distortions hearts and brains make out of things that have an adverse impact on them – emotionally and intellectually.

Focusing on the physical dimension and as discussed in previous ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blogs (i.e. Experiencing Your Conflict), there are times we become visibly changed in the way we and our bodies look when in conflict. We may not realize how we appear to others and if they describe us we may be shocked. However, by reflecting on how we appear, even requesting others we trust to let us know how we show up, we are better able to increase our self-awareness in this regard. This, in turn, helps us to consider more intentionally how we interact and the impact on others who observe us.

If you think your anger, upset, etc. leads you to appear bent out of shape, this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog will resonate.

  • How do you describe the way you look when you are bent out of shape?
  • What does that feel like?
  • How would someone observing you describe your shape?
  • What shape would you prefer to be at these times?
  • What would be different in your conflict interactions if you were shaped the way you prefer?
  • In a specific situation in which you are or were bent out of shape, what specifically happened that led to that?
  • What is one thing you could have done differently to help yourself not become bent out of shape?
  • How may the other person have responded differently to you had you done that (your answer to the previous question)?
  • What are the signs you notice in or about yourself when you begin to become bent out of shape?
  • What may help preclude you from bending out of shape at these times that you may consider in future situations?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Metaphors, Reactions | Leave a comment

Liebster Award

Posted on February 10, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

I am thrilled to tell you that ConflictMastery Quest(ions) has been nominated for the Liebster Award by Anastasia Pryanikova. Anastasia is the brilliant and articulate author of The Brain Alchemist, which explores how our brains influence how we communicate with others and ourselves. Thank you so much for this honour Anastasia, and congratulations on being nominated yourself.

Anastasia is a lawyer turned peacemaker. She is also a speaking and presentation skills coach, linguist, new media strategist, life-long learner, and visionary. Anastasia is the founder of E-Studio, LLC, a coaching, training, and consulting company. More information on this multi-talented, generous, and overall wonderful woman and her work may be found here.

Here are the rules for the Liebster Award:

  • Thank your Liebster Blog Award presenter on your blog and link back to the blogger who presented this award to you.
  • Answer the 10 questions from the nominator.
  • Nominate 10 blogs and create 10 questions for your nominees.

Here are my answers to Anastasia’s 10 questions:

1.  What inspired you to start blogging?

A number of years ago I became increasingly intrigued by the many ways to connect with others through social media. I enjoy meeting new friends and colleagues from around the world and the new and different ways of sharing and obtaining information.

It struck me that blogging may also provide a great forum to meet others interested in conflict (my coaching specialty). I had been thinking a lot about ways to impart what I was learning as a conflict management coach – specifically regarding the art of inquiry. So, I decided it would be fun and interesting to write and share on this topic.

2. What do you hope to achieve with your blog?

In my coaching practice I am continually in awe of the magic of questions and mostly, how they help clients shift from reactive approaches to their conflicts to more curious and reflective ones. This inspired me to consider how I might connect with others and share my learning with others who may have ways to also ‘pay it forward’.

Essentially then, it was and remains my hope that the ConflictMastery Quest(ions) blog will inspire people to view their interpersonal conflicts in different ways than they may otherwise do. More specifically, I hope that by presenting common conflict topics that subscribers may relate to in their lives and by asking self-reflective questions about them, they may gain increased understanding about their conflicts and their interactions within them.

By the same token, I also hope to provide tools for coaches, mediators, lawyers, leaders, psychologists, HR, union representatives, and others who help people find their way through conflict.

3. What are three attributes that best describe your blog?

Hmmm…I am thinking creative, insightful, and novel.

4. How do you nurture your creative side?

Great question. When I think about it some of my most creative thoughts come from mindful practices such as meditation. (I meditate at least once a day.) In fact, the idea for my blog came to me during a morning meditation.

Music and movement (dance, exercise), and just good old fashioned conversations with friends and others all nurture my creative side.

5. What are you reading right now?

I am reading Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect by Matthew D. Liebermann.

6. What are your preferred ways of getting the information you need?

Most of my research for the blog is through Wikipedia and Google. I read lots of blogs (including those Anastasia nominated) and articles (many obtained as recommendations through people I follow on Twitter).

I also obtain resources (books, articles, etc.) from people I interview to participate on teleseminars regarding conflict management coaching that I coordinate for the International Coach Federation and for the Association for Conflict Resolution.

Another way I get great information is through the Conflict Coaching Guild (LinkedIn) where the members generously share their wisdom and knowledge on conflict-related topics in response to my questions and those of others.

7. What do you like to do to unwind?

One of the main ways I unwind is I take dancing classes. Several years ago I hired a fabulous instructor who choreographs dances for me to my favourite contemporary music and music of the 80s. The dance steps and movement are meant to help build balance, flexibility, and coordination. It’s an invigorating and fun form of exercise.

The instructor not only teaches me how to do the dances, she also teaches me to teach others. And so I do (I teach a weekly class at a local studio).

I also love to cook and unwinding for me is going to the local market for fresh ingredients and trying out new recipes for friends and family.

8. What is your most ambitious goal or aspiration for 2014?

To finish another book I am writing. It is based on my blog – entitled Conflict Mastery Quest(ions).

9. What makes you happy?

As a starting point, I’d say I’m happy most of the time and the sorts of things that contribute to that (the order varying day to day) include being with my nephews and their families, teaching dance, listening to music (with book in hand, fire blazing in the fireplace, and my purring cat on top of me), being with good friends, cooking, writing, travel, knowing my work has a positive impact on others.

10. Anything else you would like to share?

I am honoured to be among incredible colleagues who were also nominated for this award. I like that we and others share bits of ourselves through social media and that I have had the pleasure of getting to know them and others I may not have – if it weren’t for blogs and social media.

The blogs I nominate for the Liebster Award (in no specific order):

My ten questions for the nominees:

  1. What precipitated your interest in writing a blog?
  2. Which one of your blogs – in the past year – did you have the most enjoyment writing and why?
  3. What three pieces of advice do you give others interested in starting a blog?
  4. How do you reach prospective blog subscribers?
  5. What do you want subscribers to know about you that may or may not be reflected in your blog?
  6. What is the highest compliment someone could give you about your blog?
  7. What is the highest compliment someone could give you about you?
  8. What does your music playlist reflect about you and your values?
  9. When you are not writing blogs, what do you enjoy doing most?
  10. What was the first career/profession you named (to family, friends, yearbook, etc.) that you wanted to be when you grew up?
Posted in Conflict Management Coaching | Leave a comment

Are You Beating Around the Bush?

Posted on February 4, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

When we are in conflict, some of us avoid coming to the point about something we think may upset the other person. The idiom beat around (or about) the bush describes the sort of prevarication when we delay or are evasive about raising difficult things. Or, it may be we act this way when we are having challenges answering a hard question.

The expression – beating around the bush – has an interesting derivation. One story says it is from bird hunting in which some of the participants roused the birds by beating the bushes – enabling other hunters to catch the quarry in nets. Essentially, beating around the bushes was the preamble to the main event – being to capture the birds. Apparently, grouse hunters and other forms of bird hunting still use beaters today.

In the conflict context we may consider a full blown argument as the ‘main event’ and beating around the bush is an effort to avoid it. As previously discussed in another ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog entitled Bury Your Head in the Sand, we avoid conflict for many reasons such as fears we are experiencing. This may be fear of offending the other person, retaliation, things becoming unsettled, and loss of the relationship. Alternatively, we may have in our minds that such an approach as beating around the bush may help to prevent the possibility of a full blown argument and perhaps, even soften things. Or, we may think beating around the bush will indirectly help to prepare the other person that something is amiss.

If you are beating around the bush in a situation or generally tend to do so, consider this week’s questions.

  • In what ways does this expression apply to you and a particular situation you have in mind, or in general?
  • What are you more specifically doing or saying – or not doing or saying – in that situation that describes how you are beating around the bush? Or, what do you generally do or say or not do or say when you beat around the bush?
  • What is motivating you to beat around the bush in the particular situation? Or, what motivates you to do so generally?
  • What may you be protecting, if that applies? Who may you be protecting, if that applies?
  • What is the worst case scenario you imagine in the specific situation, if you state the point or answer you are not expressing?
  • What is the best case scenario that may result in this situation, if you state the point or answer you are not expressing?
  • Imagine yourself not beating around the bush and coming right out to say, ask, or answer what is on your mind, what exactly would you say, ask, or answer? How does that feel?
  • If you were to proceed to state or respond to the other person – as to no longer beat around the bush – what would you want to be especially careful about in doing so?
  • How do you imagine you will feel if you no longer beat around the bush about this matter? How does your answer to this question deter you? Motivate you?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Metaphors, Reactions | 1 Comment