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Stew in Your Own Juices

Posted on May 6, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

The other day a colleague (I’ll call her Janet) told me she and a co-worker (I’ll call him David) had a heated disagreement about a work matter. Janet went on to say that David called her a few hours after and left a contrite message asking to have a coffee and work things out. She then told me she decided not to reply for a few days to let David “stew in his own juices” for a while. When I asked what she means by that, Janet answered, “I thought I’d just let him feel badly a little longer for being a jerk”.

I found myself internally reacting and I wondered what motivated Janet’s decision to let David “stew”. I don’t know Janet all that well and hesitated to pry. I started to think though about what reasons may compel that choice of coping. I thought maybe Janet perceived whatever David did was too egregious for her to forgive. Maybe she felt so offended she wanted to retaliate and cause David to worry about the consequences. Maybe it is about asserting power. Whether Janet’s approach was due to these or other reasons, I thought her decision worth exploring in this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog and specifically, the expression “stew in his own juices”. This phrase is often used when someone determines they are not going to respond to another with whom there has been a conflict. According to the source I found, it is about leaving the other person to fret, suffer, and ruminate about what occurred.

If you have used this expression or essentially implied it by purposely refusing to talk about a conflict situation when the other person attempts to do so, these questions are some to consider.

  • What was (is) the situation between you and the other person?
  • For what reasons would you rather not talk about it with her or him?
  • What offended, hurt, or angered you most about what the other person said or did? What emotion most aptly applies of the ones mentioned or others?
  • What do the juices represent in this situation and with that person? What does stewing mean?
  • What do you hope to gain by the other person stewing in her or his own juices? What are the risks?
  • What impact is stewing likely to have on her or him, do you think?
  • What impact is it having on you – that she or he is stewing?
  • If you do not achieve what you are hoping by her or him stewing, what difference will that make?
  • What are you not addressing that may help you in this situation?
  • What other options may accomplish what you want regarding the situation and/or the relationship with you and the other person?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Blame, Conflict Coaching, Metaphors, Reactions | 1 Comment

Assumptions – Are They Necessary?

Posted on April 29, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

On a recent post on the Conflict Coaching Guild on LinkedIn I posed the following question:

“Generally-speaking, a common reaction – when we are provoked by something another person says or does (or doesn’t say or do) – is to make assumptions about their motive, character, etc.
This tendency often heightens in intensity and malevolence if the perceived offense is repeated and our emotional reaction increases.
However, why do you suppose we do not check out our interpretations in the first place before we impute negative meaning?”

The answers from members of the Guild have been thoughtful and helpful. They have provided lots of opportunity to further contemplate this common phenomenon when we sometimes make negative assumptions about other people with little to no foundation.

So, why do we attribute negative motives, character, etc. in the first place? Maybe it is due to preconceived notions and expectations. Or, previous experiences with this person or others who demonstrate the same or similar behaviours. Whether we are generally pessimistic, cynical, untrusting, or negative are other variables that may come into play. I wonder too, that at times it may be our own thoughts and feelings that we project onto others.

The list of possibilities does not stop there and yet, I ask – is it really necessary to make assumptions about others’ actions, words, etc.? Is it a form of self-preservation? Is it a matter of thinking the worse – hoping we will be pleasantly surprised? Or, is it mean-spirited – a cheap shot at someone we do not like?

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a negative assumption or assumptions you are making about another person who said or did something that offends you – as you respond to the following questions.

  • What is (are) the assumption(s) you are making about the other person?
  • What did she or he do or say (or not do or say) that resulted in this assumption (these assumptions)?
  • Selecting one of those assumptions (or the only one you named, if applicable), for what reasons are you attributing that particular trait, motive, etc.? What do you think the other person’s intent was (if you have not just answered that in the previous question)?
  • On what do you base your answers to the above questions?
  • What other reasons may there be for the other person’s words or actions that she or he, or friends may suggest?
  • When you do or say the same sorts of things (if you do), for what reasons do you do so?
  • What if you are incorrect in your assumption(s), what would that mean for you? What would it mean for the other person?
  • What is necessary about making assumptions about the other person’s actions, words, etc.? What is not necessary?
  • What stops you from asking the other person to explain the offending actions, words, etc.?
  • How do your assumptions help you? How do they not help you?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Assumptions, Conflict Coaching | Leave a comment

Don’t ‘Should’ on Yourself or Others

Posted on April 22, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

Have you had the experience when a friend, colleague or family member tries to impose their beliefs, needs, values, or expectations on you regarding a way you handled a situation? I have never been fussy about sentences that start with “You should have…” and then a pronouncement of what the speaker thinks would have been more appropriate. Of course, it may well be that I did not use my strongest conflict mastery skills at these times. Yet, I am not meaning to share what happened so that I am admonished – at least, that is how it feels.

It seems to me that what is inherent in telling others what they ‘should’ have done or said is full of judgement. When we ‘should’ on others, we patronize them and undermine the other person’s ability to handle a situation in her or his way and within the context and relationship, which we may not really know or understand. In any case, it is not really up to us to be the conflict police and consider our rules as the ones to which others much adhere.

The expression “shoulding yourself” describes a form of cognitive distortion, according to psychologist Clayton Barbeau, who apparently copied the expression. Another psychologist, Albert Ellis, referred to this concept as “musterbation”. In a related article entitled “Shoulding Yourself, Shoulding Others”, the author states that shoulding yourself or musterbation “consists of telling yourself that you have an obligation to do something different from what you are doing”. The author goes on to say:

“We get into trouble shoulding ourselves when it takes the form of an automatic thought. In this form, the ‘should’ comes to us as an abstract, universal obligation such that if we don’t do what we ‘should’ do we are wrong and feel guilty. Guilt is an important and real experience. But it is a response to moral failure. To feel guilty about our personal choices which have no long-term effects is to trivialize guilt.”

The implication of ‘shoulding’ others – not just ourselves – is contained within this description. That is, we guilt others by opining what they ought to have done and imply they have failed. The same author further explains the concept of choice as it pertains to ‘shoulds’. She says:

“One way to break the hold of ‘should’ automatic thoughts is to bring the thought out in the open and substitute the word ‘choose’ for the word ‘should’. If you find yourself squirming with the automatic thought, ‘I should start my essay’, change it to ‘I choose to start my essay’. You’re a free agent. It makes very little sense for you to say, ‘I should do this, but I choose not to’. Such a statement reveals the ‘should’ for the illogical and confusing term that it is. If you don’t choose to do it, you don’t really believe you should do it.”

Whether you tend to ‘should’ on yourself or others, here are ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) based on the above discussion on today’s topic.

  • Thinking of a time you told yourself what you ‘should’ have done about a conflict (after the fact), what did you do in the first place?
  • What did or do you feel guilty about (if that is what you feel or felt) with respect to what you said or did? What else did you feel?
  • What do you think you ought to have done differently?
  • What happened that resulted in you believing you should have done something differently?
  • What other choices did you have in that circumstance?
  • What got in your way of saying or doing one or more of those?
  • When someone has ‘should’ on you in this same conflict or another one, what did she or he tell you?
  • What did that feel like?
  • What do you suppose she or he thought your obligation was in this situation? What do you think your obligation was to yourself in that situation?
  • The next time you begin to tell people what you think they should do or say, what will occur to you based on this discussion?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Blame, Choice in Conflict, Conflict Coaching | Leave a comment

Reason or Excuse?

Posted on April 15, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

I have been thinking about when I hear someone explaining their rationale for saying or doing something that has upset or provoked me or another person. I realize that at times it sounds like an excuse and at other times it sounds like a reason. You may ask what difference does it make?

Providing reasons or excuses in our conflict interactions often seem to arise during the course of a dispute or after it is over. At these times, we – or the other person – may give a reason or excuse as a way of defending what was said or done (see the previous blog on Justify or Just-Iffy). Our reactions when on the receiving end of reasons or excuses reflect how they are experienced – as one or the other. Accordingly, conflict may be further exacerbated, or things may be clarified and have a calming influence.

Among other things, it helps to consider what the intent is behind providing either reasons or excuses in any given situation. We may do either because we know what was said or done is being questioned and we are either responding (with reasons) or reacting (with excuses). That is, it seems to me that giving reasons may be considered more like a response to the other person’s perceived curiosity – a non-defensive answer that is based on the view that our actions will be easily understandable. Whereas, we use the term making excuses which implies an effort to fabricate an explanation as a defence to the other person challenging our actions.

I think too that it is important to consider the nature and degree of emotion that may be underneath either. Reasons are more often stated by way of clarifying and explaining ourselves. If acceptable to the receiver, her or his response reflects that. If our reasons are not acceptable they may end up sounding like excuses. Whereas it seems excuses are an effort to be and be seen as ‘right’ and are often conveyed with a negative edge to it. The receiver tends to feel and rise to the emotion behind what is said and defends her or his viewpoints too.

To examine your own approach in a recent dispute in which you found yourself giving reasons or excuses, here are this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions).

  • What was the nature of the discussion that resulted in you giving reasons or excuses?
  • Which do you think you were providing – reasons or excuses?
  • For what reasons is that (your answer to the previous question)?
  • How may the other person have answered the question above (whether she or he heard you provide excuses or reasons)?
  • For what reasons may she or he say that?
  • If the other person became defensive, why was that do you think? What may she or he have been defending?
  • If you became defensive in response to the other person’s reaction, why was that? What were you defending?
  • How else did you experience the other person’s response to you when you gave either excuses or reasons?
  • When someone with whom you were in a specific conflict reacted with excuses about something she or he did, why was that do you think? When someone in another conflict reacted with reasons to something you questioned, what was different?
  • If you generally prefer to sound like you are providing reasons as opposed to making excuses, what may you say or do to facilitate that?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Emotions in Conflict, Reactions | Leave a comment

If I had it to do over…

Posted on April 8, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

I have heard the statement “If I had it to do over …” in many contexts, including about choices of partners, careers, schooling, places to live, and so on. This week’s blog is about how this preamble arises in some interpersonal conflicts – in the aftermath.

There are a number of reasons that, in retrospect, we may speak about a situation in terms of what we ought to have done differently. Such statements may be said with regrets, disappointment in ourselves, and even a sense of despair. Statements that begin that way may refer to something we wished we had said or done that would have been more helpful and had a more positive impact. Or, we may have preferred to have stood up for ourselves. Or, in looking back, we may think it would have been best to have backed down rather than argue. If we were to do it over we may say we would have apologized or forgiven the other person – or ourselves. We may say we are angry at ourselves that we yelled or cursed and hurt the other person. We may be kicking ourselves for walking away or not walking away. We may have wished we had held our position stronger.

These and many other possible examples that show up when a conflict is over and we wished we could do a ‘do over’ can stay with us for long periods of time. They are worth exploring for the learning we gain and the possibility of applying that learning next time.

For this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog, consider a conflict situation about which you are saying or have said “If I had it to do over …” when answering these queries:

  • How would you complete “If I had it to do over I would…” about the conflict that you have in mind?
  • What do you regret most that you said or did or didn’t say or do ?
  • What are the other consequences of your regrets – about not saying or doing what may have been more useful, appropriate, helpful etc.?
  • What else would you have done or said that is more aligned with your preferred way of interacting?
  • What different outcome may there have been had you done or said that (your answer to the above question)?
  • In what ways does that different outcome feel good to you? In what ways does it not feel good?
  • What do you suppose got in the way of saying or doing what you would have preferred?
  • What do you want to do about this situation now to make things better and achieve an improved outcome?
  • How may you be proactive next time you are in conflict and find yourself going to a place that has historically resulted in regrets after the fact?
  • What is the learning from this series of questions?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Resilience | 3 Comments