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Get Your Goat

Posted on June 10, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

I haven’t heard this expression – get your goat – for a while and since writing this blog I have become intrigued with such idioms. This one typically refers to the reaction when someone does something that provokes, infuriates, or annoys us. According to one source the origin is described as follows:

“The dictionary definition of goat is ‘a ruminant quadruped of the genus Capra’. What’s that got to do with being angry? Given the meaning of ‘get your goat’, we might expect to find goat as a slang term meaning anger or annoyance. That meaning is recorded in the U.S. book Life in Sing Sing, 1904, which goat is given as a slang term for anger.

The phrase originated in the U.S. and the first entry in print that I can find comes from a fanciful story about a burst water pipe that was printed in the U.S. newspaper The Stevens Point Daily Journal, May 1909: “Wouldn’t that get your goat? We’d been transferring the same water all night from the tub to the bowl and back again.””

(For those who are interested, other suggested derivations may be found here.)

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog explores the idiom “get your goat” and suggests that readers bring to mind something specific that someone says or does to which you would apply this phrase. Think ‘outside of the goat’ for your answers!

  • What does someone say or do that gets your goat?
  • How do you describe the meaning of this expression and the sentiments you experience regarding that (your answer to the previous question)?
  • For what reasons does the other person’s actions or words get your goat?
  • What 3 other words describe the impact, other than ‘gets your goat’?
  • Picturing a goat, what about that visual resonates with your experience of the person and/or situation you have in mind?
  • What about the picture of a goat in your mind’s eye does not resonate?
  • What other animal may describe your experience of the situation or person you are thinking about?
  • Why is that (your answer to the previous question)?
  • What idiom about a reaction to feeling provoked may you create to apply to the animal you chose?
  • How do the questions here shift things, if they do, about the person or situation you had in mind for this exercise?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Metaphors, Reactions | 2 Comments

Pain in the Neck

Posted on June 3, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

When we are in conflict with another person or the dynamics between us seem to be leaning towards one developing, some of us have a tendency to begin to find fault with the other person. We may say to ourselves or others that she or he is “getting on our nerves”. We may attribute negative motives to her or him. We may stay away from this person or show the emotions we are experiencing in various ways. One of the expressions some people use to describe people who are annoying us and to whom we are reacting in one or more of these ways is to say they are a “pain in the neck”.

According to one source the idiom pain in the neck comes as an euphemism of the ruder “pain in the a$$”. The origin is further described as follows:

“The idiom can be traced to the beginning of the 20th century. To go further, a German-based expression, ‘pain in the kiester’, reached the U.S. in the end of the 19th century. ‘Kiester’ originally meant simply a ‘case’ or ‘satchel’ but later acquired the informal meaning of ‘bottom’. Even earlier, annoying people were colloquially referred as ‘a pain’.”

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog invites readers to consider when you have used the expression ‘pain’ or ‘pain in the neck’ to describe your impression of another person. Please consider a specific incident and person in your answers to the following.

  • When you say the other person is a pain or a pain in the neck in the incident you have in mind, what do you mean?
  • What did the other person do or say that led you to say she or he is a pain or a pain in the neck?
  • How would you describe – in more detail – what the pain feels like?
  • How does the pain otherwise impact you – like your head and/or body?
  • If you literally get a physical pain in your neck from some other sorts of activity, such as when you sleep in an awkward position, incur a sports injury, etc., how is that different from your description about the pain you feel in your answers so far?
  • In what ways is the experience the same?
  • What do you do to mend a physical pain?
  • How may you apply those ways – figuratively speaking – to what you are experiencing regarding the person who, for you, is a pain in the neck?
  • What sorts of other ways may you mend the idiomatic pain in your neck?
  • When the pain in your neck is gone what do you hope to feel instead – about the other person? How do you physically want to feel?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Blame, Conflict Coaching | 2 Comments

You Could Cut the Air with a Knife

Posted on May 27, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

Have you ever heard this idiom – ‘you could cut the air with a knife’? Generally-speaking, it is a term that describes a tense situation between people and, at times, there is a sense of foreboding that something unpleasant is about to happen. When I looked up the derivation I did not find a lot to draw from. However, here is one commentator’s attempt at a physiological explanation:

“I suggest it’s to do with the fact that people hold back their breath in tense situations…Whatever the reason, there must be a consensus between people as to when the air is free and pleasant, easy to breathe, or the exact opposite: a physical presence, unfree and heavy, impossible to breathe, so that one could cut it with a knife.”

For me there is a strong physical and visual in this phrase – you could cut the air with a knife – and I have experienced the sensation when in conflict or observing others. It does feel like the air is thick with high and intense emotions and other things that you too may identify in your own interpersonal disputes or those you see or hear.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) are aimed at readers who understand the experience inherent in these words as they relate to a specific conflict in which you are currently involved.

  • What is the situation in which you feel you could cut the air with a knife?
  • What is in the air that creates a sense of thickness that could be cut?
  • What does it feel like?
  • What other image does this notion of being able to cut the air with a knife conjure up for you, if any?
  • With what may the other person say the air is thick?
  • If others observed you two in conflict, what else may they add, if anything, to what is in the air?
  • How do you want to experience the air between you and the other person?
  • What may be different about what the other person wants the air to be like between you? What may be the same?
  • What could be used to cut through what is going on between you and the other person?
  • What else will it take to clear the air?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Impact, Reactions | Leave a comment

The Silent Treatment

Posted on May 20, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

One of the ways that some people manage conflict is by using the ‘silent treatment’. This expression refers to “Maintenance of aloof silence toward another as an expression of one’s anger or disapproval”. The same source says this phrase is “a deliberate discourteous act”.

There may be a number of reasons for using the silent treatment – and some intentions may be like those for letting the other person “stew in her or his own juices”. Here are some possible reasons. People who use this method may want to intentionally assert power over another by creating an untenable situation such that the other person has no choice or recourse. Or, the silent treatment may be used when people have no other idea of how to respond to something that upset them. Or, they may be afraid their temper will prevail and lead to unnecessary conflict. Or, they may be too hurt, unforgiving, or uncaring. They may be lacking confidence or self-esteem.

Carrying on this theme then of rebuffing others with silence, this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog explores this method of managing conflict. You may be someone who uses it or someone on the receiving end.

  • Under what circumstances do you give another person the silent treatment, if you do?
  • If you do not refer to a lack of response to someone with whom you are in conflict as the silent treatment, how may you describe your reaction?
  • Thinking of one situation, what were you trying to achieve by the silent treatment or your description of your reaction in the previous answer?
  • What did you accomplish by this approach? What did you not accomplish?
  • What do you experience when you give/gave the other person the silent treatment?
  • What are (were) you thinking about the other person at these times? What are (were) you thinking about yourself?
  • What do you suppose the other person is experiencing on the receiving end of your silence?
  • When you are on the receiving end of silent treatment, what is that like for you?
  • What fills the silence for you at these times?
  • When is silent treatment a benefit? What makes it so? When is it not a benefit? What makes it so?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Styles, Reactions | Leave a comment

“I Wish I Hadn’t Said That”

Posted on May 13, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

There are times in our interpersonal conflicts that – after the fact – we state things like, “I wish I hadn’t said that”. This is along the lines of “If I had it to do over”. It is often a statement made when we acknowledge that something we said triggered off a reaction in the other person that served no purpose except maybe to escalate the dispute. When we are at a point when we are wishing we had not said something, reasons, explanations, apologies, and requests are not generally heard or accepted. These and other efforts to redeem ourselves are not received well and we are left with regret and self-blame.

It helps to consider what compels us to say things we later regret considering that – at the time, at some level of consciousness – we are likely aware that we are about to say something that is not appropriate, helpful, etc. Perhaps we blurt things out anyway since we feel so enraged – perceiving or experiencing, for instance, that the other person’s words or actions are retaliatory, vengeful, intentionally hurtful, etc. Or, maybe it is a lack of impulse control or filters. Or, it could be a habitual way of responding that has – or has not – worked before and we are too caught up in our emotions to think clearly about how to most effectively handle the situation.

These and other types of awarenesses – that come to us in the moment or after the fact – are difficult to admit at times. However, they provide us with the opportunity to reflect and consider ways to improve how we interact the next time we are in conflict so that we do not repeat things that cause pain to others and ourselves.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog then, asks readers to consider one of your after the fact “I wish I hadn’t said that” statements. This post will invite you to also consider what may work to make amends in that regard.

  • If you said something to another person in a conflict that you wish you had not, what was that?
  • What compelled you at the time?
  • How do you think the other person would describe what she or he experienced and felt?
  • What do you wish you had said instead? What may have been the different result had you said that?
  • What have you said or done to make amends, if you have?
  • If attempts to make amends have not worked, why do you suppose that is the case?
  • If you have not tried to make amends and want to, what specifically may you say or do?
  • What has worked for you in similar situations that may help make amends? What may you advise someone else in this sort of situation?
  • What is your learning from this week’s blog about ways to prevent “I wish I hadn’t said that” statements?
  • What is your learning about making amends in these situations?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Emotions in Conflict, Reactions | 4 Comments