GET YOUR FACTS FIRST – AND THEN DISTORT THEM – OR?
This quote by Mark Twain “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please” is the focus of this week’s blog.
It is a quote that makes me smile in my work as a conflict management coach – and well, personally too! Over 20 years ago, when developing a coaching model for supporting people in their efforts to engage more effectively in their interpersonal conflicts, it became evident that many people distort what transpired in a dispute between them and another person. Mostly, it is done in self-serving ways! What they wish they said gets mushed with what they actually said; what they assumed about the other person and their intentions seems to become fact; what the other person is purported to say isn’t really what they said but what was interpreted, and so on.
Though I have found that clients’ discussions about their conflicts typically start off missing some the true facts, that initial version does shift to what occurred. That is, with deep listening, lack of judgment, a safe space, and support clients tend to emotionally settle, gain perspective, and step back into a more objective frame of mind. So, contrary to Mark Twain’s quote, I find it is more often the case that when clients stand back from the emotion and stories they tell themselves they are more likely to share the facts of their stories more truthfully and openly. This obviously applies to us and our relational disputes, too.
This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to take a close look at one of your disputes to check out its veracity:
- What happened in the conflict you have in mind?
- What, if anything, are you reluctant to share about this interaction? What is that reluctance about, if applicable?
- For what reasons were you angry at the other person? What other words might you use other than angry to describe your feelings at the time?
- What do you wish you said that you didn’t?
- How would you handle this interaction differently if you had it to do again?
- Looking back, what might you have distorted at the time – basing your interpretation more on what you perceived – not necessarily what the other person said or meant?
- How would the other person’s version of what happened, in the first place, differ from yours?
- For what was the other person angry at that you said or did? As far as you can tell, other words might the other person use to describe how they observed/experienced you?
- What makes you saddest about what occurred now that you look back at it?
- What distortions of the conflict happened between you that need to be rectified before moving on?
- What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
- What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?
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