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Swallowing Pride in Conflict

Posted on May 16, 2017 by Cinnie Noble

Recently I saw a quote on this topic by an unknown author and it read: “Swallow your price occasionally, it’s non-fattening!” The metaphor struck me as a good one to apply to many interpersonal conflicts. In this regard, one of the definitions of this idiom is: “To set aside one’s feelings of pride and adopt a more humble or appropriate stance.”

It seems the phrase “swallowing pride” is especially pertinent when we have to be right and take on righteous and self-interested positions. Most situations do not require our adamant adherence to what we believe is the only outcome – to the exclusion of other views and possible solutions. Taking on such a stance, of course, typically leads to more conflict and its unnecessary escalation.

Though I don’t often refer to quotations in this blog, there are a few more I like that are also relevant to this week’s topic and the impact of not swallowing our pride and being more humble. They are (from Quote Garden):

“It is well to remember that the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.” – Andrew J. Holmes, Wisdom in Small Doses

“A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.” – Benjamin Franklin

For the Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) this week, consider a dispute in which you are asserting an unwavering position.

  • What is the situation?
  • What are you being insistent upon? Why are you being insistent?
  • What is the other person asserting? Why do you think she or he is being insistent?
  • What about the other person’s position bothers you most?
  • If you were to unbundle something you are holding onto in this conflict that is not serving you, what would that be?
  • What do you think the other person could say or do to swallow her or his pride?
  • If you swallow your pride in terms of not holding tightly to your position, what part of the other person’s assertions could you digest?
  • How would that be for you if you digested your pride (your answer to the previous question)?
  • How might humility figure in to your decision to swallow your pride? What else might help you loosen up on your position if you consider it may be a benefit to do so?
  • How would it be for the other person if you swallow your pride? How might it impact the relationship?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Metaphors | Leave a comment

Crack the Leadership Code

Posted on May 9, 2017 by Cinnie Noble

There’s only one question for this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog. It is an invite.

  • Won’t you please consider hearing the many topics to be presented in the upcoming Crack the Leadership Code Summit?

The Crack the Leadership Code Summit runs from May 22 to June 4 and I think you’ll find this whole summit packed with useful, practical information. It will include everything from how to be a mindful leader, to tips on what the most successful leaders do differently.

I’ll be speaking on the topic “Conflict is a Leader’s Friend” on Wednesday, May 24. You can listen to my interview–and the entire summit–for FREE by registering through this link.

Thank you for considering this invite…

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Leadership | Leave a comment

Conflict Assumptions

Posted on May 2, 2017 by Cinnie Noble

When we are in conflict with another it is often the case that we make assumptions about her or him. For instance, we may attribute reasons for their actions or words that are provoking us; we may make interpretations about their body language; or we may make assumptions about their impression of us and how they read our words and actions.

Making assumptions, such as these and others, usually indicates, among other things, historical experiences that are fuelling our current interpretations. Or, we may be applying our own rationale for similar actions or words that we have done or said. Perhaps, others suggest things to us that we adopt to explain matters. In any case, it appears that something gets in our way from checking out what we are perceiving and assuming – and so does the other person.

Whatever the reason, the mere act of assuming usually gets us into trouble. For instance, we tend to respond to the other person based on what we think we know, not what we know to be true. That is, our assumptions are not necessarily a legitimate and well-founded reflection of the other person or her or his intent.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a situation in which you are making assumptions about another person who is irritating you and a conflict might be looming between you.

  • What started your experience of being in conflict with the other person? In what ways are things between you escalating since the time you first felt the tension between you?
  • Why did it escalate, do you think?
  • What specifically is the other person saying or doing that is provoking you? What about that is especially upsetting or concerning for you?
  • What possible reasons might she or he have for saying or doing that, do you suppose? What other possible reasons might a friend of yours who observed the two of you give?
  • If you have ever said or done what the other person said or did that is provoking you, what were your reasons? In what ways, if any, might this apply in your dynamic?
  • What keeps you from checking out your assumptions?
  • If you are inaccurate in your interpretations of the other person’s reasons and motive, what then?
  • What are you saying or doing that might be provoking the other person?
  • What reasons might she or he attribute to you regarding your actions or the words you are saying (or how you are saying them)? What reasons would you give her or him instead?
  • What do you suppose might be precluding the other person from engaging you in a discussion to better understand you and your reasons?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Assumptions, Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching | 2 Comments

What Do You Need About a Conflict?

Posted on April 25, 2017 by Cinnie Noble

It is often the case that we do not realize we have a need that is not being met in a conflict situation. We may have trouble identifying it or articulating it once identified. Or, we have trouble conveying the impact on us of the unmet need.

The thing is, it is common in our interpersonal disputes that one of the things that precipitates a conflict is that we need and want something from the other person that she or he is not delivering on. For instance, we might be angry at another person for constantly interrupting us and our need is for them to listen to us, to respect our view, to stop pushing their point, to be more courteous and so on. Of course, the unmet needs for each of us will vary depending on the situation and what is being raised based on our values, beliefs, hopes and expectations.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider an interpersonal dispute currently brewing in your life and see if the following questions help to process it, including the unmet need.

  • What is the conflict about?
  • What is the other person saying or doing, or not saying or doing, that is provoking you?
  • What do you need from the other person that she or he is not delivering on? Which of your values does that reflect?
  • What would the other person say you are saying or doing, or not saying or doing, that is provoking her or him?
  • What might the other person need from you that you aren’t delivering on? Which of her or his values might that reflect?
  • How might you get your need fulfilled?
  • How do you distinguish what you need and what you want from the other person in this matter?
  • How might the other person get her or his need met?
  • What might it take for both you and the other person to get your needs met in this matter?
  • If that doesn’t appeal to you as an outcome, what else does besides your starting point?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching | Leave a comment

Conflict: Taking Calculated Risks

Posted on April 18, 2017 by Cinnie Noble

In the usual course, I hear the expression “calculated risk” to pertain to decisions made regarding investments, applying for a job or promotion, running for office and doing other bold acts for which we weigh the pros and cons of our decisions. One definition of this phrase is: “A risky action that has been carefully considered beforehand, in which the chance or likelihood of a beneficial outcome outweighs the risk or cost of failure.”

Though I’ve not heard of the expression as it specifically applies to interpersonal conflict, we undoubtedly consider the risks when taking actions and raising issues that have the potential for leading to conflict and adversely impacting family, friends, partners, spouses, co-workers and others.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog contemplates that when it comes to our interactions with others it is a good practice to take calculated risks about whether and how to initiate or respond to provocative situations. Doing so – when we do – is typically with the objective of preventing unnecessary conflict, wanting to accept there are differences, and making the conflict productive and an opportunity to resolve a matter.

I suggest you bring to mind a potential problematic situation as you consider the following questions:

  • What is the situation you have in mind?
  • What specifically is the potential problem you foresee?
  • What are you most worried about with respect to this situation?
  • What do you want as an outcome? What might the other person want as an outcome?
  • What don’t you know about the other person that would help you have a constructive conversation with her or him?
  • What does the other person not know about you that might facilitate the conversation, resolution, etc. (whatever it is you want to have happen)?
  • What are the advantages of raising the issue? What are the possible risks?
  • What are the possible advantages for the other person if you raise the issue? What are the possible risks?
  • If you were to ‘calculate’ the best ways to proceed and respond, what are the five factors you will consider in the calculation so that things add up well?
  • What would these calculations add up to that are different from your starting point?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching | Leave a comment